Rage took over me. I couldn’t get away from that place fast enough. Where was I going to go, though? I was going to hang out with Thad, then I wasn’t. And If I went home, I’d have to hide so my family wouldn’t ask where I was and question the skates. My heart was pounding. Thoughts flew through my head as a stampede of emotions bombarded me.
I reached the curb across the street from the civic center.
“Hey. Étienne. Where are you going?” I heard. He was in his car, window down, approaching me. He sounded so nonchalant, so oblivious to what he had done.
I ignored him.
“Étienne?” He called out. “You okay?”
No. I’m not okay.
I turned to him but tried not to make eye contact. I could feel myself losing control. My eyes started to swell, a frog in the bottom of my throat. Which I know he noticed.
“Wait. What? Étienne, hold on. What happened?” He jumped out of his car as I turned again to walk away. “Please. I’m sorry. Hold on, Étienne.” He grabbed my arm firmly, stopping me.
“I just… I need to go.” I gulped, blinking and trying to push down the soreness in my throat. The wall had cracked, and everything was about to fall out.
“Please, Étienne. I… I didn’t know what to do. I panicked,” he stuttered, eyes reddening in unison with mine.
I dropped the old pair of skates hanging from my right shoulder. My body felt like it was breaking down, and I couldn’t hold on to them any longer. I didn’t want to hold on. “I know. I get it. I didn’t think you’d drive away and not say anything. I just… I need to be alone for a little while.”
Do you think I was being too dramatic? Maybe I was. I was used to people forgetting about me, but this was different. This time, it hurt to the core.
“Éti— Huuh,” he inhaled loudly after picking up his skates. “I’m sorry.” He exhaled as I walked away.
11
THE POOL
Was it possible to be so intensely angry with someone, yet still want to be near them? Was I blowing things out of proportion? I felt so conflicted. I wanted to forgive him and send him a text. On the other hand, I wanted to stay mad at him.Snap out of it, Étienne. He probably doesn’t even feel the same.I tried to convince myself that he didn’t like me the way I liked him, and that I had no reason to be so upset with someone I barely knew.
Instead of walking home, I went to the elementary school playground a few blocks away to blow off some steam on the swings. The clouds started to dissipate, exposing the sun’s blinding rays as I swung my legs back and forth to catch some speed. I synced with the motion of my legs, pulling myself higher and higher until I got to a point where the chains began to buckle.I probably should stop.But instead, I kept aiming higher until my body had depleted itself of adrenaline.
Exhausted and panting as if I were Frankie after a long walk, I stopped to rest as the swing slowly began to re-center itself. I noticed in my peripheral a small car passing by the parking lot and slammed my feet into the mulch.
Is that him? Is he following me?I wondered, paranoid. I was the only person there.
Another car drove by. It wasn’t him.
I was at the playground for about an hour. I swung as high as I could on the swings, then hung upside down on the monkey bars for a little while. Nothing like a head rush. Hanging upside down with my eyes closed helped me clear my mind, until all the contents of my pockets fell out onto the ground.
“Really? Ugh,”I yelled, straightening my legs and landing upright on the ground.
Dirt had gotten into the creases of the earbuds attached to my iPod. I brushed everything off then repositioned my belongings into my pockets before throwing my headphones in to listen to music.I wish men could carry bags, I thought, commiserating about societal expectations.
What’s funny is that as an adult, I won’t be caught dead with my pockets stuffed to the brim. I’m always carrying a messenger bag or a small cross-body bag to throw my stuff in. I guess it’s more acceptable now than when I was in high school.
I still wasn’t in the mood to go home. Besides, my mom hadn’t tried to call or text, which meant I had no reason to rush. I rolled my shorts up a little, removed my polo, and lay out on a clean patch of grass far into the field where no one would see me. Normally I didn’t like exposing my bare upper body unless in a pool, but in this case, nobody was in sight. What better time could there have been to let my skin soak in the warmth of our home star?
Let’s pick something else. What do I want to listen to?I paused the newly created playlist I’d synced that morning. I was in the mood for something different but didn’t know what. I wanted to listen to something that would lift my spirits, though I was already starting to feel better from the sun’s rays. I picked the albumIntuitionby DJ Encore, a Danish DJ. Most of the music he composed featured the singer Engelina, whose angelic voice always brought me out of a funk.
I only got to the second song before being interrupted.
“Hey,” I heard faintly through the music.
You did follow me.
“Umm. How did you know I was here?” I looked at him, then pulled out the headphones and grabbed my shirt out of embarrassment.