Once, each runway show left me high on adrenalin for hours, but now? I just felt stuck. Lonely.
I knew most of the world saw models as dumb and shallow, but I’d met some really cool people during my time as a model. Having friends was great, but I longed to meet a great guy. I wanted to meet someone smart and funny and charming and, well, handsome. But most of all, I wanted to fall in love. That’s what I’d been saving myself for after all, to give even the most intimate parts of myself, for the first time, to a man that I love, who loves me in return.
I’d been tossing around the idea of taking a break from modeling for a while now. In college, I got my BA in dance and considered doing something with that. When I visited my parents the other day, I’d thought about mentioning it to them to see what they thought about it. But I didn’t. I needed the money and, for now, modeling paid my bills.
So often, I was jet-setting across the country or to Europe or Japan for fashion shows. At first, traveling all the time had been exciting, but the longer I stayed in the business, the more it felt like a chore. I wanted to have the chance to do what I wanted for once, to enjoy my life.
It seemed that the more I became dissatisfied with my life, the more my fantasies grew. My sexual fantasies, that is. Whenever I had a spare minute, my thoughts would drift off to sex, to being dominated by more than one man in bed.
When I looked it up on the internet, I saw that it was commonly called reverse harem, something that didn’t mean too much to me at first, but soon came to overtake my thoughts. I began buying ebooks featuring stories of a woman and her multiple lovers, finding the entire concept thrilling. Sure, I wanted to fall in love, but how incredible would it be to have more than one man worship my mind and body?
Learning from my sister Jada that she had four boyfriends at the new ranch she worked at only made me dwell on it more. When I asked her about it, she’d confessed to me that the sex was better than anything she’d ever experienced before. Jada said that it was so overwhelming and satisfying and all-encompassing that she didn’t have the time to process anything beyond the four sets of hands touching her and four mouths kissing her. Four cocks to please.
Despite myself, I was jealous of Jada. I was ecstatic that she was happy and finally had a good sex life, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to experience it for myself.
During my downtime at work, I read the reverse harem ebooks on my phone, doing my best to school my face into a mask of total passiveness. When I got home each night, I’d do more research, some of which meant reading with my hand buried between my legs as I read. But my other research involved reading through websites where men offered their, um, services. I would scroll through their profiles, reading their fantasies and what they could offer a woman and would imagine them doing it all to me.
More than once, I was so close to sending a message. I’d even typed everything I wanted from them out, but could never bring myself to send it. It was becoming a vicious cycle. The more I wanted to have the experience of being with so many men at once, the more that I feared it.
My own cowardice was really starting to annoy me. Maybe I just needed to get laid the good old fashioned way.
April, my manager, tapped me on my shoulder. I jumped, lost in my thoughts. “Sorry!” she quickly said. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Sadie.”
I smiled at her and willed my heart to stop thumping so hard. “That’s okay. What’s up?”
April’s light brown eyes grew apologetic. “Were you planning to go out and meet tonight’s patrons?”
I shook my head. “Not tonight. I’m exhausted and really need to get some sleep.”
“Well,” April began, frowning, “there’s a man out there who would really like to meet you.”
My mind briefly went to the gorgeous gentleman I’d locked eyes with on the runway. But there was no way it could be him. Whoever wanted to meet me was probably some perv in his sixties who wanted a twenty-something model girlfriend. Barf.
“Are you sure you don’t want to?” April asked. “This guy was really insistent.”
“I’m sure,” I replied. “All I can think of right now is crawling into bed and not waking up for at least ten hours.”
April smiled. “I hear that! Alright, I’ll go let him know.”
“Thanks, April, you’re the best.”