Chapter Ten
I loved him.
Those words used to bring me such joy, but now I use them to castigate myself as I cry into my pillow, and I only end up falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
I loved him.
The words stab me as soon as I wake up, and I still feel like a complete mess as I drag myself out of bed. I try to focus on taking one things at a time, but when I start brushing my teeth, I'm suddenly reminded by how this same mouth had been so, so busy sucking his dick, and I nearly throw up.
I end up brushing my teeth thrice, but my mouth still feels disgustingly dirty even after several rounds of gargling. I know I'm being stupid, but then...that's really what I am, isn't it?
You're so stupid, self!
Sobs clog my throat as my mind taunts me with all the other times I acted so, so stupid because of him. Does he know how I used to wait for him every morning at the cafe? Was he secretly laughing at me when I told him I was dying to have a taste of his cum?
And to think I even asked him—-
I loved him so much, oh God, loved him so, so much that I actually asked if I was any good at giving him head.
You're so DAMN stupid, self!
Pain nearly buries me alive, and I almost end up smashing the vanity mirror with my bare hands. How can I ever bear to look at myself again, knowing what an idiot I've been, to let myself believe that someone like Rashad can love someone like me?
Despair tempts me into staying in bed all day and wallow in my misery, but I manage somehow to go through the motions of living as I take a shower and change out of my pajamas.
It's almost eleven in the morning when I finally step out of the bedroom, and my phone rings as I pull the door shut.
"Hey." It's Brian again. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
"You're...what?"
Brian sighs. "You obviously forgot about our date, but that's fine. I'm happy to wait while you do whatever it is girls do to get ready. See you, babe."
He hangs up before I can tell him I'm not up to going out, and I have a feeling he knew what I had been about to say as well.
A date is the last thing I'm in the mood for, but since I would never have known the truth if not for him...
I'm still thinking about what to do with Brian when I belatedly notice my grandfather looking up at me from the landing, a strained expression on his face.
"You have a visitor, Maddy."
"I know." I force myself to smile as I descend the last few steps. "I promised Bri—-" My voice trails off when I realize that it's not actually Brian standing behind Grandpa...but him.
"Just hear him out this once," Grandpa says quietly. "And if you still do not wish to see him after this, I give you my word that he will never bother you again."