“The girl that was date raped DIED?”
Neither one of them seems to be bothered by the fact that I just told them my father is the president of an MC, as if Raven can read my mind she comments again, “We will come back to the Biker chick thing, but first, our questions.”
“Okay, yes three men, Yes, I love them all. Yes, when I say fucked them, I do mean all three of them. Well not at the same time but they were all in the room at the same time. I don't know what else to say on the topic,” as soon as I say that I realize that there is one other thing that Raven is going to ask, “Well, maybe their age, but I gave you the age gap of the one I saw that day and he is the middle one, age gaps being, 14, 16 and 19 years. I didn't tell you that the girl died because it was terrible and horrible and not something that I am going to give you information on. She did die, but she was drugged and raped first, and I promise that is all the information that you want.”
“Why didn't you tell us when you pledged?” Zoe asked, moving on from the dead girl.
“Did you air out all of your dirty laundry when you pledged ATA, or even when you became president?”
“Right. Okay, so why are you telling us now?”
“It was made clear to me that I am not just hurting myself here, that the things I am choosing to omit or ignore from my background could potentially hurt the people I care about.” They both seem to think about that for a minute. I can see that Raven is mad, not quite mad enough to yell at me, but I have lit the fire under her ass, I just don't know how hot it is going to burn.
Zoe looks like she understands, exactly like I knew she would, this truth answers so many questions that she had about me, the ones that she wanted to ask but never would. She knew that if I wanted to tell her what made us kindred spirits I would in my own time.
"I get to be mad, right?" Raven asks after she has gathered her thoughts. Zoe is watching both of us closely and it almost looks like she is trying to decide how to react based on Raven.
"Absolutely! I would be surprised if you weren't."
She nods and fidgets with the bottom of her shirt.
There is no telling how truly mad she is going to be, I can only hope that she isn't going to be upset enough to ask to switch rooms or tell anyone else what I told her but that's all I have room for. I wouldn't blame her if she did decide to go that route, but I am not ready for everyone else to know the truth. There would be a range of reactions throughout the house, and it would probably end in me being asked to move out. I know there are more than a few girls here that would be horrified to find out who my father is.
They might even go as far as trying to get the school board involved because they think it's unsafe for me to be here. I love the life that I have created here but I know that not all of the girls in the house get along. We all pretend to love each other but as soon as we graduate some of us will never speak again.
While these last few months have been nice, I haven't had to worry about anyone I care about going out on a run and not coming back or being picked up by the cops and spending the next few years in lock-up. It's been nice not having to hear the bass of the music when I just want to sit in the silence of my room, but I don't see myself ever getting away from the club. I care about those men too much, I am not willing to give them up, not now, probably not ever. I'm not going to leave school before this drug problem is over but if it's solved by the end of the year then I don't see myself returning next year.
I don’t think I am going to drop that bomb on them tonight but only because I think I should limit the things that they can be mad about. One thing might be easy enough to work through and get past but I don’t need to throw gasoline on the fire and burn the whole house down in one night.
“You should have told us.” Raven finally says.
“If you knew before you knew me, would you have been my friend?”
Her eyes snap to mine, her face is blank, but I can feel the shame wafting off of her. I shake my head and lean back on my headboard, “Don't answer. It's okay Raven. I get it, this is why I didn't want anyone to know. I liked the idea of people getting to know me before they found out how I was raised. My heart will break if this is the end of our friendship, but I won't hold it against you. I knew the risk in telling you this,” my voice is small. Probably smaller than I have ever made it before, I am not the type of person to water myself down, but I can tell by her body language that she is a little scared.
Her brain is playing a reel of everything that she has ever seen about the Ghost Riders, every bad thing that they have been accused of.The validity of those accusations is irrelevant.
“Fin…” her whole body rattles as if she is shaking herself out of whatever thought she was spiraling into. “Finley, I wouldn't judge you for the sins of your parents, but how can I know that you aren't just like them?” There it is. The one question that I hoped she wouldn't ask, the one that I didn't want to answer, sadly it's the one question that I can't avoid.
“Would you hate me if I was?”
“You are answering my question with a question, that's what you have always done when you want to avoid it,” she gets up and starts pacing the room.
Shit, better out than in, “I am a product of my upbringing. I have been an active member of the club since I was 15. While I can’t think of anything that I have done up to this point that would get me serious time in lock-up, that doesn't mean that I haven't had my hand in holding the door open for the people that have. I won't be giving specifics, so don't ask, but my hands are not clean.” Raven continues her back and forth in the room, if I let her, she would wear a hole in the floor.
“What do you want me to do?”
After a few more passes she stops and looks at me, “Can you sleep somewhere else tonight? Give me time to think?” I nod my head and grab my shower caddy and some pajamas.
“We can talk tomorrow?” The words are barely a whisper and when I look at Raven, she has tears in the corners of her eyes, and my heart breaks. I expected anger, but not pain.
Zoe leaves the room and I turn back to Raven, pleading with my eyes.
“Yes, we will talk tomorrow.”She whimpers as the first tear breaks free from her eyes.
***
“She will be okay.” Zoe had grabbed my arm outside the room and was now pulling me toward her room. I was going to go downstairs and sleep on one of the couches, but she has other ideas. We have extra rooms but most of the time they are a mess with party supplies and overflow from girls' closets. Zoe and I have both crashed in her bed enough times that I shouldn't be surprised that she is telling me to stay in her room for the night.