He was right, but that didn’t make it any easier.
This was my hang-up. Not Thomas’s. Not Rett’s. Mine and mine alone.
Maybe if I hadn’t lost my husband in the way I had, I would be handling it differently.
Maybe if I hadn’t been the one to find him.
Maybe if I had known what led up to Thomas making that devastating decision.
Maybe if I had been paying closer attention. If I had checked in with him more often…
Maybe…
So many damn maybes.
All of them too late.
Yes, I needed to move on, when in truth, I’d rather go back in time. I wanted a “do-over.” To make sure I did everything in my power to let Thomas know he was wanted and loved, that I was there for him no matter what. To make sure he was taking care of himself. To make sure he was okay before I left that day, instead of only assuming…
He had slipped. But then, so had I.
No matter what, right now, it wasn’t Thomas gripping my hands, it wasn’t Thomas pinning me to the door. It wasn’t Thomas with his forehead pressed to mine.
No, that would never happen again. We would never again share any of these types of moments.
I’d only have the memories. Until I lost those, too.
A whispered, “Chase,” made me open my eyes that I hadn’t even realized I’d closed. It brought me back to Rett’s bedroom and the situation I was in currently.
With Rett.
So opposite of Thomas.
Rett was like a beaming ray of sunshine in contrast to Thomas’s dark and stormy clouds.
My guess was Rett’s good days outweighed the bad, while Thomas’s bad days had outweighed the good.
Only none of that had been his fault.
Damn it, it hadn’t been mine, either. So, why did I torture myself so much? Why couldn’t I enjoy the man I currently was with without the guilt weighing heavily on me about the man I lost?
“Just give us tonight.”
And then what? “If I do, what would you expect afterward?”
He pulled his head back so we could see each other’s faces more clearly. “Absolutely nothing more than you’d be willing to give,” he said in a way that disappointed me.
It shouldn’t but unexpectedly, it did.
He was willing to take whatever I was willing to give him and nothing more.
While that was what I wanted, it also wasn’t fair to him. And I had no idea why he’d expect nothing beyond us having sex tonight.
Unless that was a lie. Or… completely normal for him. He could simply be someone who could separate physical attraction from emotional attachment.
Unfortunately, I’d never been one of those types. To me, sex and intimacy went hand in hand. Sex wasn’t just an act, it always had meaning for me. I’d never been into random hookups or one-night-stands. Not when I was younger and definitely not now.
Even so, he was willing to go into this with no expectations and be okay when he got nothing else from me. But could I be the same?
I’m not sure if that was possible. One more valid concern that niggled at me.
Worse, how awkward would that be down the road if things went horribly wrong? With both of us residing in the same town. Both of us in the same career.
Both of us attracted to each other like two damn magnets.
“I’m not sure if I’ve ever dealt with someone before who overthought things the way you do.”
I never was like that before… Before things drastically changed in my life. I had missed details and now I couldn’t risk missing any more.
However, I was beginning to worry he knew me better than I knew myself. I thought that would be impossible but I could be wrong. “You have no idea what I’m thinking.”
“Actually, I do. It’s clearly written all over your face.”
I immediately shut down my expression, causing a slow smile to spread over his face. It wasn’t because he was happy or amused, he was trying to grin and bear my unbearableness.
I knew that only too well.
As much as I had loved Thomas, some days had been difficult to live and deal with him. Toward the end, it ended up being more often than not. I shouldn’t have been blind to that sign, too, but I had been busy. Caught up in my latest book release and dealing with all the “noise” that went along with it.
Book tours, signings, talk shows, you name it. Anywhere and everywhere my literary agent and publisher could book me to increase sales and boost their profits. I had been run ragged and forgot to pause long enough to check in with Thomas.
I opened my mouth to apologize to Rett but snapped it shut before that apology could formalize. He might be annoying due to being pushy but at his core I could see he was a good man.