“Holy shit,” he whispered shakily.
I agreed. Holy shit.
Every time we had accidentally brushed it had been like lightning crackling along my skin. It had both scared and worried me since I never had that reaction before.
Not with anyone.
Not even with…
The steel walls slammed down, shutting that thought out. I could not think about him when I was standing in the bedroom of another man. With another man.
I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
Not if I wanted to live with myself afterward.
CHAPTER 14
Chase
As soon as Rett tugged me into his bedroom by hooking a finger into my belt loop, he used his foot to nudge Timber back out of the room and quickly shut the door behind the dog, locking him out.
While I understood the need for that, apparently his dog did not. Hearing Timber’s overly dramatic meltdown was like a bucket of ice water being dumped over my head.
But before I could break away, return to reality and head back to my cabin, Rett had me shoved against the door with our fingers interlocked and pinned on either side of my head. He went nose to nose with me, staring me right in the eyes with a determined look on his face.
“I can’t,” I forced out, trying to talk myself out of going any further with him.
It would be a mistake. It would give Rett more power over me than I was ready or willing to give him. I also feared that if I opened the door between us, he would barrel through it like a bull.
“You already did,” Rett murmured as he pressed his forehead to mine and squeezed my fingers.
“I just… I can’t…” I was going to regret this no matter how much I wanted it.
“It was only a kiss.”
Yes, it was only a kiss. It was also so much more than that. It was a promise of what could come next. It also made me want to do so many things to Rett.
I tried to pull free but Rett’s grip tightened. “It was only a kiss. Spontaneous, but meaningless.”
So untrue. He was trying to keep me from panicking and shutting him out. But no matter what he said, in no way was the kiss meaningless.
It made me hard, heavy and aching for him. I hadn’t felt anything similar to this in the last two years since I wouldn’t allow it. Right now, I was feeling a bunch of shit.
And all of that worried me.
I could not get attached to this man or any other.
I couldn’t.
It was safer to be by myself. Not to mention, so much easier.
But kissing him made me realize how much I missed intimacy, too.
I missed being held, being kissed and skin to skin contact. The excitement during intimacy and the satisfaction afterward.
I most likely could have it with Rett, but at what cost? Not only to me, but to him.
“You’re overthinking this,” he whispered. “It’s only two men enjoying each other’s company.”
The man could be irksome with how astute he was. “I’m not sure I’m enjoying it.”
“Because you’re letting your guilt eat at you.”
“I can’t let myself want this. I want you, but I can’t…”
“It’s not cheating, Chase.”
“To me that’s what it feels like.” Despite trying to hide it, my whisper sounded tortured. A war was being waged, both in my head and in my heart. No matter what, I needed to be honest with Rett. He knew I was struggling but he didn’t exactly know why. “I love him. I’ll never not love him. Despite him being gone, no one else exists for me. No one. It’s only ever been him.” I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs to capacity before finishing with, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—”
“If he knew, don’t you think he would want you to move on?”
“If he knew? He’ll never know, but I will. I’ll have to live with myself.”
“He would never want for you to cut yourself off from others. Or not let yourself go back to living your life the way it should be lived. He would want you to be happy. He’d want you to remember the good times between the two of you but not dwell on his loss.”
“How do you know that? You never knew him.” My brow dropped low and my anger bubbled up from deep inside me. I tried to separate our hands but he only tightened his grip on our interlocked fingers and pinned me harder against the wall using his body.
I was sure I was stronger than him and could shove him away if I tried. But doing that had been a disaster last time. My goal wasn’t to hurt him, but to keep myself from getting hurt.
“You’re right, I don’t know him. But I’m guessing he was a decent man if you loved him that much. And most decent people wouldn’t want their loved one to be bogged down in grief for over two years. Here’s the thing… I’m not trying to take his place, Chase. I would never do that. What you had with him is yours to keep forever. What you’d have with me is something new. Different. It could be light and fun and nothing serious. There’s nothing wrong with letting yourself have that. To have more than what you’re allowing yourself to have. My guess is you’re flagellating yourself for something you had no control over.”