A conscientious soldier who thought about the impact of his actions. Who cared about the people under his protection in the present as much as in the future. A man whose moral compass was so strong he had punished himself for the lie of a boy bound in duty to a king, long into his adulthood.
A man who she had never stopped loving. In all those years, it had been there. Him. In her heart.
And a man who she could absolutely have for herself if she walked away from the throne. She didn’t need Aleksander’s permission. Not really. It had been a lie that she’d told herself, because it gave the power to someone else to decide her fate. Because she couldn’t trust herself to choose correctly. She knew that walking away from her title would be best for her brother, her sister, the royal family. But would it be best for Svardia?
Her heart in turmoil, she finally heard what Kjell had been trying to tell her.That yes, she could walk away, she could find true happiness with the man she loved. Or she could return to Svardia and stay, do something real and good with her life and her time for the people of her country, for women all across the world. She could give them a voice, just as she’d wished for Lena Stormare.
But it would cost her Kjell.
Earlier, over dinner, she’d woven a fantasy that was so pure it hurt too much to want it. Behind her closed eyes, Kjell chopped wood in the sunshine. Bees buzzed and butterflies zigzagged across the meadow outside. The windows were thrown open to let warm summer air into the cabin and the sounds of children’s laughter danced on the breeze.
And she opened her eyes to release tears that stung as they fell. Loss. Grief. For what could never be. This. This was more of a loss than a crown or a title. And it was a loss and a grief that she refused to tie Kjell to. He deserved a home. And children of his own. A whole platoon of them to order around, to teach...to love. She couldn’t bind him to anything less than that. He would—she knew—sacrifice anything for her and she could not, would not, do that to him again.
Kjell watched the night sky as the thick bank of clouds began to shift beneath strong winds. He wondered if they were working their magic on him too, or whether that was Freya. She had always hit him like a tornado. A storm, swirling him up in its eye, as if she were the centre of everything, grounding him, focusing him.
His muscles hurt as if he’d just finished a particularly brutal workout—the tension becoming acidic the moment he gave up the fight of holding everything in. His heart ached for Enzo and guilt at not being able to save him stabbed his conscience. But for the first time since that awful day he felt that he could breathe a little easier, that his anger was just a little less.
Fury and grief had been so huge in his mind and his heart, he’d not known whether he’d still be standing when the tide of words washed through those feelings. But Freya had been there to anchor him. Not to hold him in place, but to come back to. A tether he’d needed in order to face those fears, to survive them.
He’d come out here, not because he needed to be alone but because if he’d stayed he would have said the words carved into his heart so many years ago. And if he spoke them he knew that it would make it harder for her to leave. And no matter how much he loved her, how much he desperately wanted the future she’d painted over dinner, he knew that it was notherfuture.
She had been born to be Svardia’s Princess. More so than any other member of her family. The faith and love she had in and for her people,allher people, was the true jewel of the crown. And he couldn’t let her sacrifice that. Not from fear. Not when he knew, heknew, she had the strength and determination to face down anything that was thrown at her. That she would be integral to turn the tide in attitudes, to ensure a greater understanding and, even more, that she could be an advocate for that change.
Deep within him was a conviction so sure, so strong, that she would achieve truly great things. Pride, fierce and powerful, rippled through him at the thought. She was already magnificent in his eyes. He just couldn’t wait for the world to see it too. Even if it meant he could never be by her side. Even if it meant that he’d never get to tease her about her cooking, or argue with her views, kiss away her anger or soothe her hurts. Even if it meant that he could never tell her that he loved her.
He heard the crunch of her boots in the snow behind him and he turned, not wanting to miss a single second of the little time they had left together. Shapeless in the thick outdoor jacket, hat, boots and scarf, Freya had never looked more beautiful to him. Her eyes gleamed as the last of the clouds passed from the sky to reveal the scattering of diamonds against velvet above them and still the majesty of the natural world wasn’t enough to draw his gaze from her.
She looked as if she were about to say something when her eyes locked on something over his shoulder and widened in awe as a gasp fell from her lips and even then he couldn’t look away from her. He imagined what she was seeing. Invisible until the thick heavy clouds passed from the sky, the northern lights bathed the stars in colours that seemed unnatural. Her eyes danced across the twists and turns of a kaleidoscope, focusing in and out on a whole palette of incandescent greens, purples, pinks and more.
‘It’s incredible,’ she said, the words dropping from her lips in whispered awe.
‘It is,’ he agreed, thinking only of her, his heart stuttering over a beat when she moved her gaze from the sky to his.
‘How long do you think we have?’ she asked, and he was unable and unwilling to pretend not to know what she meant.
‘They’ll probably arrive a few hours after dawn.’
She nodded, something passing across her gaze before she blinked it away.
‘I’ll take the medal.’ The words rushed out of him but he wouldn’t take them back. It was the only thing he could give her. She smiled then. It was sad but strong, hurt but alive, and then it was his turn to smile.
It killed him, tore his heart in two, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. ‘You’re going to keep your title. You’re going to stay a princess.’
He lifted his hand to cup her jaw and she nodded into his palm, turning her lips to press sad kisses that mixed with the single tear that escaped across her cheek.
‘I can’t say goodbye. Not yet. Please don’t make me say it.’ She spoke into his hand, her eyes pressed closed as if in denial of what was happening.
‘Then we won’t,’ he said simply as if his heart hadn’t fractured a thousand times over.
CHAPTER TEN
FLAMESFLICKEREDFROMthe wood burner in the dark cabin; the light left off from when she had gone to find Kjell by the lake. She went to the switch but he stopped her, taking her hand in his and leading her to the window, where the entire landscape was a glowing display of vibrant colours that burned her heart.
She would never see this again. Not from this cabin, not from beside this man. He stood behind her and she felt so safe. So protected. But she knew that she couldn’t have him. She loved him but, for the first time in her life, she thought that it wasn’t enough.
‘Make me forget. Just for tonight?’ she whispered into the room. From behind her, he placed a kiss on her shoulder, then her neck, then that secret place that sent shivers down her spine and across her stomach. She spun in his arms to face him, to see him for as long as possible, even if they only had hours left. Her hands reached for his face, drawing him towards her, and she curved into him as his lips took hers. Tongues thrust and parried, teeth nipped and teased, hearts pounded and pulses tripped.
She couldn’t get enough, touch enough, taste enough. She wanted to consume a lifetime’s worth of him and still it wouldn’t be enough. His skin was hot and smooth beneath her palms, her fingers inching beneath the jumper, sweeping up over muscles that rippled beneath her hands, and she wanted it against her own.