CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Aurelio didn’t make it as far as the winery. He’d planned to check out of the hotel and hit the autostrada north as soon as possible, telling himself once he was back at the vineyard he’d get his perspective back again.
It had worked before, when Valentina died and his world collapsed.
But this was different. This wasn’t about trying to deal with grief. He found himself at the window of his suite, watching the light play across the old buildings surrounding the piazza, unable to summon the energy to move.
He was in stasis, Amber’s words ringing in his ears. The accusation. The distaste. She hadn’t said the word aloud but it had been there in her eyes.
She thought him a coward.
Was she right?
The idea was so foreign his mind reeled.
Scared, she’d said. Scared to love.
All this time he’d thought himself sensible and prudent, and in his own way, caring, by not initiating a long-term relationship because deep inside he feared he’d let another woman down as he had Valentina.
Yet Amber implied he hadn’t let his fiancée down.
Of course she didn’t know all the facts. Valentina had longed for babies from the time she was in her late teens. She’d sacrificed what she wanted so he could achievehisdream.
She’d lost her life because he’d felt so guilty after their unaccustomed row he’d let her drive in conditions she hated rather than insisting on taking care of the transport himself.
He braced one hand beside the window, staring at the swirl and ebb of pedestrians and traffic below.
Suddenly something Lia had said popped into his head. While his brothers had been silently supportive all these years, Lia was more outspoken. She’d known Valentina well and guessed at the guilt he usually refused to speak of. She’d chivvied him about burying himself in his winery and said Valentina would have hated to see him cutting himself off. For Valentina had loved him and loved life, always revelling in the chance to be with people. According to Lia, Valentina had been proud of her fiancé and the way he was following his dream, working so hard to build a future for them. She’d never been happier.
Aurelio thought of Amber’s words. About being grateful for the time she’d had with her father, rather than dwelling on his loss.
Lia in her forthright way had told him no-one could have made Valentina happier than he had. And now thinking back he remembered her laughter, her animated chatter, and her comment that it was worth the wait to have him return, qualified and ready to build his career.
In the intervening years he’d cast her as a suffering victim, denied the one thing she’d wanted. Yet they’d discussed the future over a long time and made their decisions jointly. Now he thought about it, despite her eagerness for a child, Valentina had been glad to get more experience in hospitality, ready for the day they’d have their own vineyard and winery restaurant.
Somehow over the years he’d forgotten that.
When had he let grief become a habit? An excuse to cut himself off?
When had he become so selfish?
A shudder racked him as he recalled Amber’s eyes, overbright with emotion. Yet she’d been so valiant with her chin hiked high, accentuating the slender fragility of her neck.
She was stronger than he’d ever been. No hiding for her. She confronted life with the same determination she used to tackle her work and her recalcitrant employer.
All through the discussion in Amber’s room, even while reliving the pain of losing Valentina, it wasn’t past pain that gutted. It was the torture of being eaten alive by guilt as he watched Amber shut down before him.
Amber who said she’d cared for him.
The ever-selfish, unregenerate part of him wondered what that meant, hoped it meant far more than he deserved. Even now when he’d lost her.
He scoured his palm across the back of his neck, where the muscles were hard as concrete. But nothing eased the ravages of guilt.
She was right.
What sort of man rejected his unborn child?
Rejected the woman who’d dragged him, kicking and screaming out of his cave of self-pity and back into the light?