CHAPTER TWELVE
Aurelio saw Amber flinch then draw in on herself, shoulders hunching forward, arms wrapping tight around her waist.
But it was her eyes, dazed and clouded, that undid him, made him want to gather her close as the little colour she’d acquired drained, leaching her skin.
He hated seeing her like this. Hated knowing he’d shattered any hopes she might have harboured.
But, with a mighty effort of control, he held himself in check. Going to her, comforting her, would only prolong what should be cut short now. A shudder ran through him as he fought the impulse that tightened his muscles, to leap up and gather her to him.
He ploughed his fingers back through his hair, cursing his inability to keep his hands off her, the weakness that made him keep turning to her, not just for sex, but because he wanted to be with her. Despite knowing his own limitations he’d craved her warmth and smiles, he’d revelled in working with her, enjoying the shared understanding and common purpose. There was so much—
No! There he went again, losing himself in feelings for Amber that could go nowhere.
He didn’t deserve Amber.
He’d only let her down. And their child. Just as he’d let down Valentina.
He didn’t deserve happiness.
With Amber he’d forgotten that. He’d almost let himself believe…
‘I’m sorry, Amber.’ Sorry wasn’t enough, but he had no words to express his regret, or the ache of loss ripping through him. ‘You deserve better than me.’
It was true yet he had to force the words out. Even though he’d spent a decade cutting himself off from relationships, trying to erase the word love from his personal dictionary. In that time he’d shunned the world as best he could by burying himself in work.
‘Tell me.’ Her eyes had lost that foggy look and instead skewered him like silver needles. ‘I want to understand.’
Silently Aurelio nodded, swiping a palm over his unshaven jaw. Amber deserved to know. He cleared his throat.
‘I knew Valentina all my life. We grew up together, went to school together. Her family and mine were neighbours.’ He paused, remembering that hazy golden past. ‘We’d always been friends but by the time school finished we were in love, inseparable. Except Valentina was happy to stay in our little town and work in her parents’ restaurant and I had other plans.
‘For years I’d been working during harvest at a winery not too far away. I knew it was what I wanted to do, but I wanted more than just to work as a cellar hand all my life.’ His aim was to make more of himself, partly because of his fascination with winemaking and partly to support Valentina and the family they’d have together.
‘So I went away, working harvests in other vineyards in Italy and overseas, getting experience. I studied winemaking, building up my theoretical knowledge as well as my practical skills. But that meant being away from Valentina most of the time.’
He stopped to drag air into tight lungs. Amber had moved back in her seat, her gaze still fixed on him.
‘Valentina was patient through all those years. She put up with me being away, pursuing my dream. She put up with short visits home because in the long run we’d be together for the rest of our lives. We were planning to get married and start a family when I finally came home.’
Aurelio hadn’t been fussed about having kids early, though he knew he’d love them when they arrived. But Valentina was positively clucky for a child and counting the days till he was home for good so they could make a baby. Persuading her to accept that final year of separation had been difficult. They’d debated it so long but eventually Aurelio had got his way.
‘I was working in California. There’d been a delay with the grape harvest and I worked right up till a couple of days before the wedding, weeks later than originally planned.’
He’d missed all the wedding preparations that he’d assured Valentina he’d be around to help with. But his professional reputation had been on the line. He’d assured his employers he’d see the harvest through.
So instead he’d let down his fiancée.
He’d never forgive himself for that.
Valentina had tried to involve him in the minutiae of the wedding plans though he was on another continent but he’d been so exhausted from long days of hard labour getting the grapes processed, he hadn’t been able to focus. He’d resented her insistence on asking about feminine stuff he didn’t understand and she’d snapped that he cared more about his grapes than their wedding.
In the end she’d stopped asking for input. He’d heard the hurt in her voice and vowed to make it up to her when he got back. His aim was to have enough saved to put a deposit on a place of their own.
But he’d never got the chance.
Recently, watching his brother Gennaro and his soon-to-be-sister-in-law Chiara plan their wedding, it hit home how much he’d disappointed Valentina. Gennaro hadn’t a clue about colour schemes or wedding flowers but Chiara positively glowed as she shared every tiny detail with him.
Another thing Aurelio had denied his fiancée.