“What do you mean?”
“If you’re just going after her because of the child, maybe it would be better to leave things as they are.”
“Are you insane?” At the time, I still wasn’t sure how much of her bullshit I believed, but I knew that something had happened in that house, something I had no explanation for.
It never occurred to me to doubt that if Ellie was indeed pregnant that it was mine, I had the evidence, after all, something I didn’t share with the old woman. And even though I couldn’t remember all of it, there were these flashes of memory sifting through my head. I guess that’s what she meant when she said Ellie had told her I was coming out of it.
Her explanations were too farfetched on the one hand, and yet I felt the truth in them. How else could I explain the strangeness that I myself have experienced here? I have to take her word for it until I talk to Ellie. But the child, my child, put a whole new spin on things. “I just mean that if you’re not interested in poor Ellie, it might be better to leave her alone to raise the child. You could always support them from afar if that matters to you….”
I don’t think I’ve ever come that close to hitting the elderly before in my life, but it was close. I guess the look I gave her was enough to convey my thoughts to her because she’d come to her senses real quick. “Where is she?”
“Are you going to yell at her again?”
“Lady, I’m barely hanging onto my patience here. Just tell me where Ellie went. I have to hear this from her.”
“Well then, I’ll tell you where she is.” And that’s how I ended up here. I’d run through the rainy night to find her fearing with each step that she’d be long gone. I realized in those minutes it took me to reach her that I knew nothing about her apart from her life here. If she disappeared, I’d have no way of finding her, and that thought scared me more than I would’ve thought possible.
As I looked down at her, my breathing finally back to normal, my heart squeezed with fear, and something else, something I was almost certain was love. The love I’d viciously cut off before it really got started or had time to grow when I thought she’d betrayed me fought for its place once again.
My hand trembled when I reached out to touch her in the dark. There were so many questions going through my head, so much I needed to know. But she looked so peaceful in the splashes of moonlight that filtered through the window I couldn’t bring myself to wake her.
Instead, I kicked off my shoes and climbed into the small bed next to her, being especially careful as I drew her into my arms. Only then did I feel at peace, and the wild fear that assailed me when I thought she was gone eased back and disappeared.
I don’t know how much of what the old lady had said was truth and how much was fiction, but right now, it didn’t seem to matter. She hadn’t betrayed me, that much I believed; all the rest of it can be decided at some other time. I didn’t question the assurance from the old woman that she was pregnant though I have no idea why. In the midst of all this strangeness, that was probably the one thing I could hold onto, I guess.
She sighed in her sleep, and I pulled her in closer, finally allowing myself to let my guard down. I felt almost the way I had when we first met, that first bloom of something that felt like more than mere attraction. I hadn’t allowed it to grow back then, but now, whether it’s my grandfather’s words, the old lady’s, or just my own growing feelings again, I want to give us a chance.
I’m in no mood to deal with all the ghostly implications right now; there was still a lot left to be done between her and I without involving that mess; for now, still a lot I had to make up for. I don’t begin to know where to start with the attachment business, but I know that I owe her for the way I’ve been treating her.
I’d lost so much because of my stubbornness, because I’d rushed to conclusions which, now that I look back, made no sense. I should’ve known the man who’d loved me unconditionally my whole life could never hurt me like that, but I guess love does make you blind.
Now looking back on it and with all that had happened since my return, I realize I’d lost a lot. Not just my grandfather, but her and whatever trust she’d had in me. The blood on those sheets has been superimposed on my brain, and now that I finally have her in my arms, safe, all I can think of is the fact that I wish I could remember the moment when I took her innocence.