But when I’m not missing things, I’m able to see the things I’ve gained as well.
I’m not the same girl I was a year ago, and not just because of the things that happened that night. I’m stronger now. I’ve been able to make it on my own, and I’m finding out things about myself I never knew.
For instance, I love to dance and sing. I’m also pretty good at teaching others. When I get out of my head, I can be entertaining. I’m finding new paths and what that might mean for me. It’s exciting.
Another thing, I’m a horrible cook. The absolute worst. If it doesn’t go in the microwave or oven, I will ruin it. Even those are iffy on if I’ll burn them, but I have a better chance.
I’m learning how to make friends with people and not be such a recluse. I’m kind of funny when I’m comfortable.
Being active is something else that’s important to me. I was always busy at the club but thought it was just a product of my upbringing. But I thrive off it. If I’m idle, I feel lazy and slip into the negative space my mind can become. It’s not good for anyone when that happens.
Now that I have money to live, I’ve taken some classes. I started with self-defense, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t know from MCD. So after one class, the instructor recommended a more advanced course. So, now I’m taking Krav Maga, and I love it. It challenges me, uses my body, and makes me capable of protecting myself. It’s been a huge help in my healing, along with the things I do on screen.
I started a dance class this past month, and it’s been a blast. I wanted something fun for myself, and it’s helped me learn how to move my body as well, helping with my confidence.
This brings me to the most significant area of my life. Being Rose is addicting. I can be whatever version of myself I want when I'm on screen. At first, I didn’t get that, and I was shy and timid. But after my time with Cowboy, I began to see I didn’t have to be Darcie with all of her hangups, but I could borrow some of my confidence and embrace the best parts of Rose.
It’s also nice having people tell me I’m beautiful and spend money to just talk to me. I know it’s not something I can do forever, but it’s been what I need right now. A safe way to explore and be sexual without having to be sexual. It makes sense in my head.
I’m happy with where my life is headed, but I miss you, Dad, and Maddox. Even Tiny and Red. I know I can’t go back, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I get so tired of missing people.
I’m going to a new place tonight with some friends. It should be fun. It will be good to get away from the computer. Because I don’t want to admit that I’ve become attached to a few clients, and I know that’s not good. It’s a fantasy, and I need some reality.
Time to boot, scoot, and boogie.
Love you, Mom
Darcie
Ten
DARCIE
Country music blasted around me, and I swayed to the music. I had a pair of tall cowboy boots on, cut-off denim shorts, a Dolly Parton tee, and a long cardigan. The leopard print cowboy hat was the final touch. I felt comfortable and sexy, my favorite combination.
“Darcie, come dance!” Candi called from the floor. Rolling my eyes, I sat my glass down and headed toward her. Cutting between people, I squeezed into their line, finding some space. We were at a line dancing bar. It was fun, and I’d been dancing and laughing with my new friends all night.
“This is so much fun. We should do this at the bar!” Candi said, raising her eyebrows seductively.
“Good luck with that,” I teased.
Ever since I’d gone over to her place, Candi and I had become close. She’d been pulling me along with her and her friends ever since. They were easy to like, and I always enjoyed my time with them. It felt nice to be part of a girl group, something I’d never had before. I didn’t know what the teen movies were on about; they were all nice.
The song ended, and we clapped, the instructors announcing they were taking a break. Music came on over the speakers, and we headed off the floor to grab some drinks. Leaning against the counter, I looked around at the crowd. It was mostly people in their twenties with a few older couples who were line dancing die-hards.
Drinks were placed in front of us, and the bartender nodded down to the end where two guys sat, staring at Candi and me. “Courtesy of those gentlemen.”
We raised the drinks, thanking them. “What do you think?” she asked, taking a sip. “You want the blonde or the ginger?”
“Um.” I bit my lip, anxiety crawling up my throat. “Whoever.” I shrugged but didn’t put any effort into it. This was the part I always hated. Guys were constantly hitting on her, and by association, me. They’d buy us drinks, chatting us up. Candi loved it and would go home with a different guy each time. I couldn’t seem to get over that threshold yet. I’d had plenty of sessions online now, but when it came to in person, I was still blocked.
“I’ll take the ginger then. He has something sexy about him,” she said, biting her lip. “Come on.” She pulled me over there, and I went, dread filling me.
“Hello, boys. Thanks for the drinks.” She flirted like the best of them.
“No problem. Two drinks for two of the prettiest girls here,” the blonde guy said. He wasn’t ugly, but he wasn’t doing anything for me either. I smiled kindly, though, not wanting to be rude.
“Want to dance?” Candi asked, pulling the redhead’s arm toward the dance floor before he could answer. The other guy looked at me, and I shrugged, tossing back the drink and headed to the floor.