“Yep. You can do as little or as much as you want. Show as much or as little as you want. Just no falling in love with the clients or sleeping with them; that’s the one no-no. Kind of like stripping. You can’t do your best if you’re in love and a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend is a mood killer.”
She dipped her fork into the bowl, twirling noodles around it, taking a bite. Candi was the type of carefree I wanted to be. She owned her sexuality and wasn’t ashamed of it. I wanted to be like her.
“So, what do you think, girlie?” she asked, sitting up and looking at me.
“I think I want to try. I might not be any good at it, but it beats cleaning lint out of dryers at 3 am.”
“Yay!” She jumped up, moving to hug me. “This is going to be great.”
I smiled, hoping she was right.
She helped me pick out a look, letting me borrow some of her clothes. Together we created my account and set me up as Rose. It was time for Rosebud to bloom.
Diary #8
Dear Mom,
I’m trying something. I’m not sure if you’d approve or not. We didn’t really get to have these kinds of talks before you died. I like to imagine you’d be open and progressive, telling me to explore and figure out what I want.
While that’s part of why I’m doing this, I think it’s also the way forward for me. Not only because I’ll actually be able to keep living, but I think I’ll be able to get something back that was taken from me. That’s my hope anyway.
My only hesitation is Maddox. I don’t know what to say to him or how to tell him this. We’re not anything to each other, but that also feels like a lie. We were just getting started when everything stopped, and now I don’t know when I’ll see him again.
Do I wait?
Is he?
Should we talk about that? Probably.
Will we? No. It’s not part of the agreement.
So why do I feel like I’m lying to him? I don’t know how he’d take it.
I think if he was okay with it, it would break my heart. At the same time, if he’s all jealous and demanding, it would break my spirit. I’m doing this for myself, so maybe I just need to keep it to myself. For now, that’s what I have to do anyway.
Tonight is my first live. Let’s hope I don’t vomit, pass out, or freak out.
Love and miss you, Mom,
Darcie
Nine
DARCIE
Twisting in the mirror, I checked out my outfit one last time. It was a corset top with thigh highs. I was covered more than my previous bikini, but this felt more provocative. I pulled my hair up, getting it out of the way, and applied some lipstick. I kissed the air in the mirror, pursing my lips, trying to channel my alter ego.
“It’s now or never, Rose.”
I checked my computer, making sure it was ready to record. I’d need to get some better equipment, but for now, it was all I had. So far, I’d uploaded ten videos of myself doing random things around the house or talking about nonsense. They’d gotten decent hits, and I’d made a hundred dollars so far. It had taken me a week to get them done, and the rent was due, so I was sucking it up and doing a live video.
Candi had told me it was how you built your fan base, by interacting with people. I hoped it was true because I needed this to take off more if I was going to survive. The money I made was nice, but it wouldn’t keep me from being on the streets.
Positioning the laptop so I didn’t show my face, I got on the bed and tried to look sexy. Taking a deep breath, I leaned forward and hit the live button. There was a delay, so I scooted back and made sure I was clear of the camera for the millionth time. I was lying on my stomach, my feet in the air behind me. With the angle, it was a great cleavage shot.
At first, I was just sitting, staring when no one joined, unsure if I should talk or just wait. After a few minutes, it began to show me people were viewing. Swallowing, I waved and tried not to fidget.
“Hi, y’all. I’m Rose.” I cleared my throat. “Thanks for tuning in. This is my first live, and I’ll be honest, I’m kind of nervous.”