“Oh.” I deflate. Wait. I’m not disappointed, am I? I shake my head. I’ll have to obsess over this some other time. A time when Grayson is not sitting across from me studying my every reaction to his words.
“I want you to have whatever you desire in this world, but I can’t give you babies.”
My heart squeezes at his words. There’s nothing I want more in the world than for him to give me babies, but it’s not in the cards for us.
“I understand.”
He reaches across the table and grasps my hand. Electricity sparks and runs up my arm. I snatch my hand away. I can’t allow my body to get any ideas of where this is going. My head knows better.
“I don’t think you do. I’m saying no to donating my sperm, not no to other things. Just no for now.”
I squint my eyes and study him. What the hell is he talking about?
“Could you explain for the dummies in the back of the class?”
“You’re no dummy,” he growls. “But I will explain because I realize it’s confusing.”
He falls silent. I watch as he peels the label off of his beer. The longer the silence lasts the more I’m convinced I am not going to like what he has to say.
“And? Are you going to explain sometime this year? Or do I need to pencil in an appointment with you for next year?”
“Smartass.” He grins. “I can’t donate sperm because I don’t want my child to grow up without a father.”
I’m confused. “I thought you had no problem with single moms?”
Of course, I was drunk the one and only time we discussed this topic, but I’m pretty sure he was the one pushing me to have children without a man.
“I’m not explaining this very well.” He isn’t, but I don’t call him on it. This conversation is awkward enough as it is.
He runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t want you, my friend, having children using my sperm without me being involved in the raising of the children.”
Ah, I see. “I get it. They would be a part of you.”
“Exactly. And I’m around. You’re one of my closest friends. I’d see your kids all the time. Be a part of their lives, but not as their father. It would be too weird for me.”
I pat his hand but pull away when the temptation to squeeze it becomes too much. “I understand. I wasn’t completely serious about you being my baby daddy. I haven’t given much thought to having children on my own, to be honest.”
“Why not?” He gestures to the house. “You obviously want children.”
“But children should have two parents.”
“Are we back to you being a man-hater?”
“I’m not a man-hater,” I huff.
“The first time I met you, you said, and I quote here, ‘Hi, I’m Suzie. I’m a man-hater, but I’ll be your friend’.”
I drop my head to the table and cover it with my arms. I probably should have a muzzle on me when I drink.
Grayson kicks my foot under the table. “Come on. Men aren’t all bad. You have tons of male friends. And your girlfriends have men who you like and trust.”
I lift my head and narrow my eyes on him. “Are we back to you being curious about my past? Because it’s a waste of your breath. I’m not revealing my deep, dark secrets to you.”
“You will eventually. Why not get it over with?”
I am done with this conversation. “You said something about helping me with marketing?”
He stares at me for a long moment before speaking. “I’ll let you get away with changing the conversation today.”