“You mean visit yourself,” I said with a laugh.
“No, no. It’s your condo for the next year,” she corrected herself. “I’ll stop calling it mine.”
“You can call it yours, Halley. It definitely isn’t mine.” I stood up, taking her with me out onto the balcony. I could see for miles, and it seemed like the pool below was a mile away itself. I’d never been afraid of heights, but I took a step away from the railing anyway. No point in taking chances. “How’s senior year going?”
“Good! Everyone says hi.” She raised the phone so I could see a gaggle of sisters spread out over the bright green lawn. They waved from their blankets and beach towels. I felt a pain of longing twist in my heart. In the excitement of the move to LA, I hadn’t had much time to think about what was happening at school. Move-in day, the welcome back festivities in the square, the beginning-of-the-year parties that were only matched by the end-of-year parties. Halley pulled the phone back in so I could only see her face framed by the brilliant blue sky. “Is my dad taking care of you?”
I pictured her dad’s impassive face. Felt his body against mine again. A flush rose to my cheeks. “Yes,” I said, and started coughing. My throat had gone dry. I went back inside and filled a glass with water. “Yes,” I repeated after I swallowed. “He’s great.”
“You’re lying,” Halley laughed. “I know my dad. He probably was on his phone the entire time and threw you out at the curb. Just tell me, Lily. I’ll yell at him right now.”
“No,” I said quickly. “He wasn’t on his phone at all. And he carried my suitcase up. Seriously, he’s been great.”
I wandered into the bedroom and saw my suitcase sitting on the inside of the door where he had left it. He had probably wanted to get on his phone, but I’d kept up an incessant chatter the entire way. I wanted to groan out loud, but then Halley would really call him up to find out what he’d done.
“Tell me about school,” I ordered Halley. “I miss everything so much.”
She heard the sincerity in my voice and pulled a sympathetic face. “It’s great, but I wish you were here.” Then she launched into a minute-by-minute account of the first week that made me laugh and forget about my embarrassment. By the time we got off the phone, the sky was darkening in the east. I had a feeling that if I was facing west, there would be a spectacular sunset on display. I walked out onto the balcony with a glass of chardonnay I found in the refrigerator and settled into one of the wicker egg chairs. I pulled my feet up into the cushion and inhaled the crisp, nearly acidic scent of the drink. It looked fancy. Probably cost as much as my plane ticket. I made a mental note of the label with the half-hearted hope that I could replace it.
In two days, I would officially start my post-college life. I took a deep sip of the lip-puckeringly dry wine and wished it was one of the cheap white wines we used to buy by the gallon. The evening was beautiful. The condo behind me was luxurious. I was about to start an internship people would kill for. But for some reason, as I thought about the man who had made it all possible, I felt a strange longing. It didn’t make any sense to feel that way about him. He was Halley’s dad. Yes, he was intimidatingly good looking, but he was so far out of reach that it didn’t make sense to feel like I had lost out on something. I shouldn’t feel my heart beat faster or desire curl in my belly when I pictured the laconic twist of his lips. I shouldn’t want to know how his thick, dark hair would feel between my fingers, or remember the way his body felt pressed against mine with anything but embarrassment.
What would Halley think?
But that antidote had lost its potency. It didn’t do a thing to lessen the inexplicable longing in my chest for a man I could never have.
For the first time, the thought of my best friend only made me feel lonelier.