From the look on his face, I could tell he wasn’t sure which it was. His body wanted me; I could feel that clearly enough. The struggle was in his mind, between the primitive, carnal part of his brain and the part that remembered what consequences were.
Later, I slipped out of Con’s building with my heart pulsing in my throat. I could practically taste the adrenaline all the way up the block. My heartbeat was just returning to normal when my smart watch vibrated on my wrist, and I looked down to see Halley’s name.
She knows.
Sick guilt washed through me, nearly driving out the afterglow of my stolen morning hours with Con. But not quite. I took a deep, steadying breath. There was no way that Halley knew. Sure, I could chase my paranoia down a rabbit hole of but maybe someone she knew saw me in the lobby yesterday and again just now, and they put two and two together, and now she’s just gotten off the phone with them, and she’s calling me to tell me I’m the worst friend ever.
Pure speculation. Would never hold up. I clamped down on it hard before I could spin this into an even more dramatic tale. My watch was still vibrating, and I was still staring at her name, trying to make a decision. Instantly, my mind put me on the witness stand. What would an innocent person do?
The answer was easy. They’d answer the phone, same as always. Breezy voice. You’re up early. The cross examination would only have something to bite down on if the behavior deviated from normal. Why didn’t you answer your best friend’s phone call or return it? Weren’t you living in her condo?
Before my paranoia could well up again, I fished my phone out of my purse and answered it on the third ring.
“You’re up early,” I said, my voice more croaky than breezy.
“You sound sick,” Halley said. “Is my dad working you too hard?”
I tried not to choke, remembering how hard we’d worked each other last night. To the breaking point and beyond. My inner thighs ached even as I moistened, remembering. “No. I’m just—,” I cleared my throat. “I’m just tired.”
“Late night?” Halley’s voice carried the typical insinuation those two words produced. God, if she only knew, I thought in dismay.
I tried to cover it with a laugh. “No—just.” I searched frantically for a plausible reason, a legitimate excuse, and found nothing. “I’m just tired,” I finished lamely.
“Huh, well, I don’t believe you, but that’s okay. You’ll tell me in a month when I come visit you!”
Birds rose up in a startled flock in the small green space that passed for a park in front of my building. A small dog yipped delightedly, leaping up and snapping at their tail feathers even though they were already twenty feet in the air. I stared at the scene, dazed. Halley was coming to visit in a month? Why not anytime in the last several weeks when I was desperate for her? Why now, when I finally had—
My mind flat out would not let my thoughts go to her father.
“Lily, did you hear me?” Halley prompted. “I’m coming to visit in October for the long weekend.”
“Columbus Day?”
“Indigenous People’s Day, you monster.”
I laughed again. This time it was real and appropriate, but it sounded weak even to my own ears. “That’s awesome. I can’t wait to see you.”
“We’ll have to play tour guide for each other,” she said enthusiastically. “I bet you’ve found all kinds of new, fun places to show me. Maybe with that mysterious guy who I know is the reason you’re acting so flaky.”
“Uh, yeah.” I was still watching the birds gliding to a different curated green space, their black wings spread wide, flashing across the landscape of high rises and the vertical slices of bright blue sky separating them. Then I processed what she’d said and laughed again, this time with a little more strength. “Actually, you’re going to be disappointed. LA Lily is the same as college Lily. I spend most of my time working, and I don’t know any spots hotter than the local coffee shop.”
“Then I’ll take you to my spots,” Halley said confidently. “You have to have some fun while you’re in LA, Lily. I know it’s all about the end game for you, but life is a journeytoo, you know.”
Some fun. Again, I was in Con’s bed. Again, I hated myself for it. I went on the offensive. “Speaking of life and end games, why doesn’t your dad know you want to act?”
I realized too late that I was giving her a reason to ask suspiciously, why are you and my dad so close all of a sudden? But Halley just blew her breath out, not suspicious at all. “You don’t know my dad. Well,” she considered, “maybe you do now. But he’d hate it if he knew I was planning to act. He thinks there are too many narcissists and predators in the industry.”
I thought about the news stories lately. “He’s not wrong,” I said. “But surely his reputation would protect you.”
Halley answered, but I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about what Con said before. About how he was just like them. Was he talking about the Weinsteins of the industry? Did he think he was like them because he had slept with me? He couldn’t though—it was absurd. He hadn’t lured me into a hotel room under the guise of a business meeting. I’d practically broken into his apartment and waylaid him. If anyone was Weinstein, it was me.
“Anyway,” Halley continued, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything. I mean, I know he suspects because he insisted I graduate college before I make any life decisions, and normally like, what you major in is a life decision, right? So he knows. He just doesn’t want to. And that’s fine. He can live in ignorance, and I—”
She was off again, in typical Halley fashion. Her steady, comforting monologues had been my bedtime stories when we shared a room in the sorority house. Halley had a knack for knowing when to talk and when to listen, and now, somehow, she knew I didn’t want to talk. Probably because she was my best friend.
When we got off the phone, I made a half-hearted resolution to myself. I would never let her find out about her father and me. I’d take that secret to the grave. I pictured a long line of years in front of us, the three of us and this secret. I saw myself running into him at her wedding. Nodding along when she mentioned him, pretending like my interest was only polite and not avid. I even let my brain venture into the painful territory of hearing that he had finally met someone Halley didn’t hate. That they were engaged.
My heart cracked at the idea, and I pulled back from it sharply.
No, there was no reason to borrow trouble like this. All I had to do was keep my promise to myself that Halley would never find out about us. Anything that came after—well, I’d take it as it came.