“Because we’d both want more,” he said without looking at her.
She moved closer. Stood in front of him, so he’d be forced to look at her. “What’s wrong with that?” she asked. “Because you’re right. I do want more. I want a relationship with you, Spence. I…” She swallowed hard. Forced the words out. “I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”
* * *
Zoe’s words brought the tension from the car roaring back. It grabbed him like a riptide. Pulling him under. Making it impossible to breath.
Bad things happened when you got caught in a riptide. You couldn’t get away. Couldn’t escape. You lost control.
Like he was doing right now.
Panic spearing through him, Spence looked out the window. Around the room. Anywhere but at Zoe. He needed to get away. Create some space between him and Zoe. So he could breathe.
Finally, glancing at her then looking away, he swallowed. “Zoe, you’ve just been through a horrible ordeal. You were tied up. Kidnapped. You saw a man die. That’s a lot to deal with. This… this isn’t the time to make big decisions. Especially big, life-changing decisions.”
He drew a shaky breath. Then another. There was no air in this room. His lungs were burning. Screaming for air. “Let’s dial it back a little, okay?” he managed to say. “You should take some time to figure out if that’s what you really mean. If that’s what you really want.”
She frowned at him. “Spence, are you telling me I don’t know my own mind? Are you trying to make decisions for me? Control me like Ethan wanted to do?”
“Of course not.” He scrambled for anything to hold onto, but there was nothing to support him. Nothing to help him find the right words. “You’re one of the strongest women I know. But it’s not unusual to get… emotional after a case like this is resolved. To say things in the heat of the moment that you haven’t thought through. To make rash decisions and regret them later.”
“Do you think I haven’t thought about what I just said? Mulled it over? Made sure it’s exactly what I feel?”
“When would you have had the time?” he asked her. “We’ve been on high alert for more than a week. Waiting for the next package from Davies to arrive. Watching for him to appear. Preparing to face him. Do you really believe you’ve had the time and the bandwidth to decide something like being in love? Staying with someone forever?”
“So I should just forget I said anything? Forget how I feel? Because I don’t know my own mind?”
Zoe scowled, her eyes flashing. She was getting angry, and he didn’t blame her. He was really screwing this up. He couldn’t think of the right words to say. Couldn’t reassure her that he cared about her, too. All he felt was the water closing over his head, making it impossible to breath.
“Of course not,” he managed to say. “But give it a little time. Let your life settle down. Get back to normal. Do things you’d normally do.”
Her face reddened and she curled her hands into fists. Shoved them behind her back. Was she afraid she might punch him? She should. He was handling this badly. Being an ass to her.
“So you think I should go on dates?” she spat at him. “Test myself to see if I really love you, or if it was all just the excitement and the danger and the great sex? Maybe have sex with some other guys to check out that theory?”
“I didn’t say that,” Spence said, taking a step toward her. He wanted to wrap her in his arms, but he also wanted to run out of her apartment. Get in his car and drive as far and as fast as he could, away from her. Away from the currents trying to drag him under.
He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’m just saying, this is a huge step you’re taking. We’ve basically known each other for a week. I want to make sure you’re sure.”
She stared at him for a long moment. Finally shook her head. “Forget it, Spence. I already have my answer. Whatever this is between us started when you were here for Julia’s case. And when you came back, it just kept growing. Ethan and the danger and the fear had nothing to do with it, and I think you know that as well as I do.
“It’s clear you’re not interested in more.” She bit her lip, and he wondered if she was trying to stop herself from crying. “You’re not interested in a relationship. Your job is done, and you’re out the door. Does that about sum it up, Spence?”
“Zoe, I have no idea how to make a relationship work,” he said, the riptide dragging him beneath the waves. “Especially when we’re living in different places. I think we’d both be smart to stop and think about that before we make any huge decisions.”
“Spending one night together is not making a huge decision. And not deciding is deciding, Spence. You either love me or you don’t, and all signs point to don’t.”
“I don’t know how to do a relationship,” he managed to get out.
“You think I do?” she shot back. “I’ve never said those words to another man, but I know what love is. It’s what I feel for you. We can figure out together how to make it work.”
“Long distance never works in the long run,” he said, panicking again. Unable to breathe. “Better to break it off now. It’ll hurt, but not as much as if we tried and failed.”
“I don’t think we’d fail,” she said. “What we have together is too strong. Too powerful.” She put her hands on his chest and he knew she could feel his heart battering against his ribs. But he couldn’t get any air. Couldn’t speak to save his life.
Suddenly she pulled her hands away from his chest and stepped backward. Too far away to touch.
“I’m sorry, Zoe,” he said, struggling to breathe. “I can’t do this. Not now. I’m going to get my things and clear out. Give you back your apartment.”