“Really? You think that would have gone better than this?”
“No, but it would have been sooner.”
“You’re right about that.” Lila crossed her arms. “And you are fully allowed to be mad at me for that.”
“I’m mad at both of you for keeping it from me.”
“Makes sense,” Lila commented. “So what are you going to do about it?”
“Hell if I know.”
Lila gave her a demanding look, and Ann—not for the first time—hated that Lila knew her so damn well.
“What I want to do is go home, but that’s pointless.”
“It is,” Lila agreed. “So is continuing to be mad about something you couldn’t control.”
“I’d rather be mad.”
“Than betrayed? That’s understandable. It hurts, Ann, and you are allowed to own that feeling. I about puked myself that night I was so freaked out. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel right now. What you’re not allowed to do is leave us completely in the dark.”
“Why would you care?” Ann fired back, hoping it would knock Lila off the high horse she seemed to climb on.
Lila stood up, facing Ann down. The glower in her gaze immediately made Ann swim with guilt. “That was uncalled for.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Ann apologized.
“And you know why we care, and if you’re not willing to admit it, then this entire weekend will be over before we even get started.” Without another word, Lila spun on her toes and walked inside.
Ann stared at the door long after it had shut, confused as to what she should say and do. She had somehow managed to mess up the situation even more than it already was. She’d let her emotions get the best of her, and she hadn’t even heard Lila when she’d tried to explain what she’d been feeling. Once again, she’d failed to make space for either Lila or Heidi to express their feelings.
“Fuck me,” Ann muttered.
Everything was going to hell in a hand basket, one Ann had managed to weave herself. The door opening startled her. She knocked her chin up, hoping it was Heidi, but when she was greeted with the androgynous blonde owner of the B&B, Ann groused.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was out here.”
Ann shrugged. “I needed some air.”
Eli’s look said she knew it all already. Anger bubbled in the pit of Ann’s belly. Eli took up Lila’s old spot and placed her hands on either side to hold herself up. “My partner has anxiety, severe anxiety.”
Ann eyed Eli, trying to figure out where the lecture was going.
“Sometimes it’s hard to communicate with her because she’s so damn worried about everything under the sun—and the sun, too. It’s really hard to let her anxiety live in the moment until she can name it and then let it die as we both bury it together.”
“I’m sorry,” Ann said, interrupting. “But why are you telling me this?”
“Because it is important to recognize our individual demons and then to fight them together.” Eli stood up and stepped off the porch. “I’m going to check my cow, Betsy. She broke her foot the other day.”
Ann’s jaw dropped as she stared after Eli’s back. Damn that woman for saying what she didn’t want to admit. Ann had always been there for Heidi, but it had never been fighting with her. Finally, Heidi was willing to step up to the plate and fight for herself as well as for them and all Ann had done was spurn her decision, wonder if it was real, and then push Heidi to the side when her own fear and anger acted up.
She was such a shitty girlfriend sometimes. The chill was even worse now. She didn’t stand a chance to warm up if she didn’t go in soon. Staring longingly at the door, Ann drew in a deep breath and calmed her racing heart. She was right where she wanted to be. She was with Heidi and Lila, together, and they were all there to learn something. It seemed so vague now that she thought about it, and she hoped Heidi had a better plan in place like she normally did.
Ann knew what she had to learn. She needed to learn how Heidi loved, learn to accept that love, and then figure out how to return it in a way Heidi understood. That was the entire point of the weekend, and it was all Ann was going to focus on for the next few days. She could be mad and feel betrayed all she wanted, but Lila was right. No one had planned that. No one had tried to hurt someone else. All the three of them were doing was loving each other.
CHAPTER17
Heidi wokeup first thing in the morning, well before the sun rose over the horizon. She slid from the bed, leaving Ann and heading toward the kitchen to see if she could snag herself some tea. The house was so quiet this early in the morning, but surprisingly with both Ann and Lila there, Heidi hadn’t felt fear once.