Ann’s lips twitched at that. “Our crap isn’t all on you.”
“What do you mean?”
Ann sighed and wrapped her arm around Heidi’s shoulders, pulling her in closer. “Come here. I don’t even know where to start with it all, but it’s not just you. I have issues too, and it’s just a matter of us both figuring out our issues and working on them, maybe individually and maybe together.”
“What issues do you have?”
“Shame,” Ann whispered. “It kills me every time you say no, and please don’t start saying yes just to assuage that. I don’t want you to do it. But when you say no something happens inside me that I hate. I think it’s all my fault, that I’m not good enough, that I’m doing something wrong.”
“That’s not it at all.” Heidi tried to push herself up to look Ann in the eye, but Ann held onto her firmly. “I promise you, that’s not it. I just…I don’t know how to tell you no.”
“It’s taken me a while to realize that.” Ann closed her eyes with a shake to her head. “And it’s not right that it took me this long. I’m so sorry for that. I should have figured it out way sooner. You don’t only love me when you have sex with me.”
“Is that what you’ve been thinking?” Heidi did move then. She stared down at Ann. “I love you, Ann.”
“I know. I know you do. Sometimes I get lost in my own thinking, and I forget that sex isn’t the only way to show that love. And for the record, Heidi, I love you too.”
Heat blossomed in Heidi’s chest. She leaned down and kissed Ann gingerly. “I love it when you tell me that.”
Ann’s lips quirked. “I’ll try to say it more often, then.”
“Please do.”
They fell into a comfortable silence, lying together in the quiet with only the bedside lamp on to light the room. Heidi was nearly asleep when Ann spoke up. “Would you want to do a weekend away?”
“With you? Where would we go?”
Ann shook her head. “I mean yes, with me, but also with our partners. I’m curious about who it is you’re dating, and I’m sure you’re curious about who I’m dating. I know it’s unorthodox. We could all have our own rooms if we wanted, or maybe two or three and just flop around.”
“Our own rooms?” Heidi pushed up onto her elbow so see could study every feature on Ann’s face. “You want to go away for a weekend with four women who are all kind of dating each other in a really weird way.”
Ann shrugged. “I know it sounds weird.”
“It sounds insane.” Heidi’s brow drew together. “Absolutely crazy. And no, I don’t want my own room.”
Ann’s gaze whipped to Heidi’s. “What does that mean?”
“Meaning I don’t like sleeping by myself, and you know that. I don’t want my own room.”
“Then we can share.” Ann still looked suspicious.
Heidi tried to figure out what she was missing in the conversation, but she couldn’t. They still weren’t communicating effectively, and it frustrated her to no end. After fifteen years together, they should be able to understand each other far more easily than they did.
“Are you saying yes to this crazy idea?” Ann finally asked.
“What? Oh…I don’t know.” Heidi flopped onto the bed again. “It is crazy.”
“I know it is, and our respective partners would have to agree to it as well, and they may not. I’d want to talk to them first before we plan anything.”
“What if they don’t like each other?”
“How many lesbians can there be in town?”
“I don’t know,” Heidi trailed off. “I guess I can ask.”
“I think…I think it might be good for us.”
“Why would you say that?” Heidi folded their fingers together again. “I think it’d be more of a disaster.”