They stayed that way for hours until Ann found Heidi lightly snoozing against her. Shaking her until she was awake, Ann helped Heidi to the bed where she pressed up against her from behind, her back to the window and her body between it and Heidi, just like every night. She still didn’t understand it, but if it was the only way either of them was going to get some sleep, then Ann would deal with it.
She held Heidi close, staying awake far longer than she should as her mind spun for hours about what could be the cause of all the changes. Surely it couldn’t be that easy to connect with Heidi after all these years of trying.
In an attempt to bring herself back to reality, Ann took several deep breaths. She could do this, she could calm herself down, think about why it was she was still there.Heidi. It was all for her. Heidi slept comfortably, snuggling in Ann’s arms, like they did every night. It was the only time Ann truly got to be quiet and think. If it was this easy, she knew she could do it every day, she would know that Heidi loved her, and she would believe that there was hope for the two of them yet.
Ann eventually shifted, lying on her back as she stared at the ceiling. Her heart raced at the thought that Heidi might be doing this because of someone else. It would be good for Heidi no matter what, but didn’t fifteen years mean anything? Tossing her arm over her head, Ann closed her eyes and tried to force herself to sleep. She needed to rest, needed the sleep so that she could function in the morning at work.
Still, she couldn’t stop thinking about Heidi and these changes. For her to feel something, for her to be more honest not only with Ann but with herself about what she was feeling and thinking—that would be extraordinary. The possibilities it opened up were beyond anything Ann could imagine. Perhaps they could finally connect, emotionally, like they had tried so desperately to do for years. The only question spinning through her brain had to do with the root cause. Why would Heidi choose now of all the years they had been together to try something different?
The only thing Ann knew for certain was Heidi couldn’t be the only one to make changes. Ann was going to have to work on herself too. She was going to have to learn how to see the bigger picture, how to find herself in the sea of doubt and anxiety she warred with every day. She knew, however, that if Heidi was willing to do it, she could too. Turning to face the window, Ann closed her eyes and fell asleep.
* * *
All week, Ann struggled to comprehend exactly what Heidi had told her. She’d spent her days off contemplating it. She’d spent her time at work wondering just what these changes were going to mean, and still in the back of her mind was the fear that Heidi wasn’t doing this for her or because of her. It all struck her as such odd timing. They’d been together for fifteen years, so why now? Why try to live now? And why wasn’t she living before?
Ann didn’t understand it. As much as she wanted to, as much as she desperately wanted Heidi to live better, she couldn’t imagine a relationship where that was the case. The tension in Ann reached an all-time high by the following Thursday, and she was barely able to focus on work. It was going to be bad for her patients if she didn’t get her shit figured out sooner rather than later. It also wasn’t the first time in her life that she’d contemplated going to therapy just to have someone else to talk to about it all.
Hours into her shift, Ann hit a wall. Heidi was supposed to meet her for lunch the following day, and that weekend they were planning a date—well, Ann was supposed to be doing that. Heidi had left this one in her hands. It was nerve-racking. They’d never really gone on a date before, not a proper one. Not one that they planned and executed.
Heidi had always been more of a hang-out-at-home kind of person, and this change was sudden. Ann wasn’t opposed to it. She always wanted to go out and try new places, but Heidi had been such a homebody. She’d blamed it on Heidi’s abuse and just being an introvert. Still, it unnerved her.
Ann counted down the minutes—having already texted Lila—until her lunch break would begin. Lila was always good for listening and helping Ann figure things out, even if Lila didn’t say much of anything. It was a wonder Lila was interested in her at all. She couldn’t figure it out half the time, but Lila didn’t seem like she was going to be ending their relationship soon, even with Ann’s fears the other week.
She’d also have to try and figure out how to make the weekend up to Lila soon, preferably before the holidays hit, because if they waited any longer than that, Ann was likely to forget about it all together. Brushing her hand through her short hair, Ann checked the clock again. Five more minutes and she should be able to leave. She was working a couple extra shifts that week, having picked them up to make up some hours and give her extra ammo to take off short-term during holidays.
As soon as it was time, Ann rolled her shoulders and left the ICU. The walk to the cafeteria wasn’t a long one. Ann sat down in the back corner where it wasn’t full and waited for Lila to sit down with her lunch. They were in blatant public eye, but she hadn’t wanted to wait until she could find time to talk with her alone. She needed the conversation to happen now.
Lila slid into the seat across from her and picked at the food on her plate with a frown. “I hate hospital food.”
Ann chuckled. “It’s far more convenient than leaving.”
“Bring your own lunch next time, so I don’t have to eat here.”
“I do, sometimes. Other times, I don’t—or I forget it, like today.”
Lila pouted.
“Just eat it. Calories are calories.”
“Flavor is everything,” Lila muttered.
Chuckling, Ann dove into her own meal. “Do you have any free weekends coming up?”
Lila jerked her head up. “What?”
“So we can plan another weekend. I feel so bad after the last one—I still want to make it up to you.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” Lila’s eyes crinkled slightly as she smiled. “I’d love to spend another weekend with you, but you don’t have to treat me to something like that.”
“I want to.”
Lila grinned. “I don’t have any plans except for Thanksgiving.”
“Going to your parents’?”
“A friend’s.” Lila relaxed. “Just pick a weekend, and I’ll make sure you have it.”
“I’ll do that as soon as I check my schedule.”