“Right.” Ann’s tongue dashed against her lips. “You don’t think you might want a reprise of the other night, would you?”
Heidi’s look morphed from calm to confused. Ann cocked her head to the side, casting her gaze over Heidi’s body, remembering exactly how she’d feel in her hands, against her mouth. It was near perfection.
“The other night?” Heidi was still confused.
Ann’s stomach dropped. That likely meant the answer was no. She’d told herself every day not to ask, not to push, but she couldn’t help herself. She wanted to be with Heidi. She wanted Heidi to grip her suddenly and hard and kiss her like Ann was the only other person in the world.
“Iwantyou.”
Heidi’s lips pulled tight, thinning out into a line, and she didn’t dare look Ann in the eye. That should have already told her the answer, but still, Ann needed to hear it. She needed the word, even though she knew it would send her into a spiral.
“Not tonight. I’m really tired after today.”
“Right.” She was terse, the word a stark contrast to her previous tone. Every time she tried to stop herself, but it never worked.
She stayed at the table as long as she could make it, giving short answers and playing up the simple conversation as she could, but the only thought coursing through her brain was, what the hell was wrong with her?Why didn’t Heidi want her?
What was so wrong with her that after fifteen years Heidi still denied her?
The thoughts were impossible to avoid. And she’d known better, too. Ann had known better than to ask, better than to push, and still she’d done it—again—to no one but herself. She finished out her meal and went to put the plate in the sink, leaving it for whenever. She couldn’t deal with it right now. Stalking to the bedroom without another word, Ann collapsed on the mattress on the side Heidi told her to sleep on, because God forbid Heidi sleep near a damn window.
“Fuck,” Ann murmured, rubbing the heels of her palms roughly over her face.Why did she do this to herself?It was so stupid. No matter how many times she asked for sex, Heidi was very likely to say no, as if it was some kind of punishment. All of her exes had done that. Every relationship she’d been in had done that to her, and she’d thought Heidi was different. Yet there they were. Heidi had said no. Ann wasn’t good enough for her, and she would never fulfill all of Heidi’s needs.
That was something she had come to accept a long time ago. Ann couldn’t satisfy Heidi, and every time something like this happened all she could wonder was why Heidi stayed there.What did Heidi even see in her?Crumbling, Ann took the covers and tossed them over her head, hiding under the blankets in the dark.
The television rumbled in the living room as Heidi changed it to something else, something more to her tastes. A single salty tear fell down Ann’s cheek, rolling over her skin to disappear into the sheets along the with the rest of her hopes and dreams for the night and maybe even their future. If Heidi couldn’t even stand to be with her one night that week, how would they manage to stay together until their sixteenth? How they’d made it to fifteen was beyond her.
Sighing, Ann pushed the feelings of sadness away, pain filling her chest until she felt nothing other than shame and guilt. It really was all her fault when she thought about it. Nothing would change the fact that she was just not good enough. She wasn’t who Heidi needed.
* * *
Ann called in to see if she could pick up another shift and get out of the house—and maybe get out of her head a bit. Heidi had slunk into the bedroom late that night and left early in the morning to go to work. Ann was cast into the darkness of her own mind, still spinning from the rejection of the night before.
She waited another hour before her cellphone rang with a call from the hospital. She hoped it was some PRN hours she could take—something, anything to distract her from the chaos that was her head. Ann held her breath as she listened to the nurse prattle on about what hours she had available.
As soon as the word emergency was out of her mouth, Ann grasped onto it. She took the hours and went to the bathroom to get ready for the day. In an hour she was dressed and at the hospital, ready to work and keep her mind clear of the worst that she was thinking. It was awful some days, that all she could think of was the worst-case scenario.
Heidi would remind her time and again, “I haven’t left yet. I’m not leaving now. Iwantto be here.”
But Ann struggled to believe her, to trust that that truly was the answer, that Heidi’s insane ability with logic would outsmart the emotions rampaging through her. With stiff shoulders, Ann walked into the ER determined to work the shift she’d chosen and not think about the problems she was having with Heidi any longer.
As soon as she walked in, she was slammed with cases. Something about the flu going around one of the schools and hitting hard. Even the pediatricians were sending kids there. Ann moved from one curtain to the next as she tried to comfort sick kids and sympathized with their parents. Nothing was going to help them other than some meds and rest for the most part.
Three hours into her shift, she finally managed to catch a break and stopped by the coffee pot to steal a cup. It wasn’t as good as it had been the nights before when she’d been in the emergency room, but it did the trick. Ann pushed the knuckles of her fist into the top side of her right hip, which had started aching. Maybe she should stop picking up hours in the ER, where she knew she’d be on her feet for hours at a time with no break. She needed a calmer unit.
“These kids!” A bright young woman stepped through the door, her hair in tight curls down her back, pulled away from her face with a huge scrunchy. “They’re not even from the same class.”
“You know, one gives it to the other, they go home and give it to the sibling, who brings it to their class.”
The woman rolled her eyes and grabbed herself a cup of coffee. “At least we do know they’re all from the same elementary school.”
“Right.”
“Are you PRN?”
Ann nodded. “Ann. I usually work in ICU.”
“Oh! Then you’re a blessing to have with us today. I’m Jerica. I usually work nights, but I’m trying to flip to days. Nights are rough.”