She was back at her apartment and putting everything away before she knew it. The meal she was going to cook that night for her date was going to be one of the best she’d ever done. Hopefully. She’d burned far too many dishes for her date, but it’d all been worth it. They’d laughed over her mess-ups and taken it in stride to order out when it was completely inedible.
Lila decided to go on the run she’d thought about that morning. Changing into leggings and a windbreaker, she redid the ponytail, popped her headphones into her ears, and locked her front door. Reliving memories was never easy, and while she hadn’t gone into detail, she still needed the break to get the weight off her mind.
With one foot in front of the other, Lila pushed through the ever-present western Kansas wind and focused on her breath. Strong, deep, even breaths. She could run for hours if she needed to, just to feel free, to feel calm, to feel in control.
CHAPTER4
The weekend had been longerthan Ann had expected. Her date Saturday had gone well, and they’d already set a time for another, but Ann was exhausted. Once again, her hips ached as she sat down on the couch. She’d had the whole day at home by herself while Heidi had gone in to work. One of thejoysof working four tens while Heidi worked a more regular shift, though she often got called in late as well and had her own life on the side.
Ann rubbed her thumb over her fingers as she stared blankly at the television screen. Nothing had captured her attention that day. She had tried desperately to focus on anything but had abandoned each one halfway through or even in the first five minutes. Instead, Ann found herself sitting on the couch, staring at the television, and thinking of nothing but Heidi.
They were due to celebrate sixteen years in January, and while it was months away, she thought they should do something big for it. They’d always talked about doing something big for their fifth, then when that didn’t happen their tenth, then their fifteenth. Last year, they’d looked at the idea of planning some sort of fun, exciting trip and decided it would just be easier to celebrate on their own at home.
Heidi was such a homebody. Ann knew she was also incredibly uncomfortable when she was out of her norm and when she was in new places she’d never been before. That anxiety carried with her throughout the entire trip and even after, every time they’d gone somewhere together, or really any time Heidi traveled at all.
What was it that put her so on edge?Ann hadn’t felt this restless in their relationship in years. They’d found a decent balance, even if it wasn’t totally satisfactory for either of them. It worked.Didn’t it?Scoffing to thin air, she rolled onto her side and lay down on the couch to stare at the television that way. Maybe she could focus if she moved positions.
It was another thirty minutes before she gave up. Grabbing her phone, she reread the last text Heidi at sent her, just a quick note about when she thought she might be home that day. Ann really should get up and do something around the house. It was awful of her to let Heidi do it all, but she was so damn good at it sometimes it was just easier to let her do it.
Some days she was an awful failure of a partner, and today was one of them. She’d literally accomplished nothing since she’d woken up that morning. She hadn’t even managed to get out of her basketball shorts and T-shirt. She’d been a lazy pig all day. There was nothing more to it. Heidi had even made her lunch and left it in the fridge so she’d have an easy meal.
Cursing herself, she dragged her lazy body from the couch and moved into the kitchen. She would make a veggie stir-fry, hope she didn’t burn it, and then hope Heidi actually ate it this time. It was just her trying to be nice after all. She had the meal mostly done when the front door opened. That was good timing.
Ann stepped out into the living room and watched as Heidi shucked the jacket that dwarfed her small frame. Ann couldn’t understand why she insisted on wearing clothes that were too big for her. It made her seem even smaller than she actually was.
“How was work?”
“Oh, um…it was a bit of a rough day.” Heidi pulled off her shoes and shoved them into the cubby by the door. “What are you cooking? Smells good.”
“Stir fry.”
Heidi’s lips tightened into what could pass as a smile, but Ann wasn’t quite sure that’s what it was. Instead, she focused on the fact Heidi hadn’t told her she didn’t want to eat it or that she’d already eaten out with a friend or something. At Heidi’s steady gaze around the room, Ann felt her defenses go up and click into place one by one.
“Sorry I didn’t get to any cleaning or laundry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Heidi sighed as she came closer to Ann, kissing her on the cheek as she walked past her to the kitchen. “I’m not.”
Ann couldn’t help but feel like that was a dig, as though Heidi never expected her to hold up her end of the household chores or do her part in their partnership. Sometimes it felt so uneven, so unbalanced, skewed either in Heidi’s direction or in Ann’s. Fifteen years and they’d never managed to find the elusive balance they kept striving for.
Heidi moved the food around the cast iron skillet. “Looks good, too.”
“Thanks,” Ann muttered. “It should only be another five minutes.”
“I’m going to go change.”
Once again cast into silence while she was on her own, Ann tried to keep herself from sliding further down the rabbit hole she couldn’t seem to get out of.Why would Heidi ever stay with her?They weren’t happy. They tried to be, so desperately, but Ann was pretty sure anyone could see the cracks in their relationship as if they were under a spotlight. They weren’t connecting, but by God, she wanted to on every level possible. All Ann had ever wanted was a true partner in life, and she’d thought at one point—for years if she thought about it more—that Heidi would be that person.
ShewantedHeidi to be that person.
As Heidi stepped into the kitchen, wrapped in her usual comfort garb of fuzzy jammie pants and a tank top, Ann was overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to be with her. She wanted to show Heidi how much she loved her, how much she wanted her. Ann made up the plates and handed one over to Heidi. No matter what happened between them, Ann wanted to be there for Heidi. She always would be, in whatever capacity Heidi needed and wanted.
“Do you need to vent about today?”
“No, I don’t think so. I can’t tell you a lot anyway.”
“I know. I just hate that you have to keep so much bottled up sometimes.” Ann reached over and touched Heidi’s hand as they sat at their dining room table, trying to give her as much physical comfort as possible while also taking something from the physical contact herself. Heidi centered her. Every day when she felt like she was going off the deep end, Heidi would bring her back. It was awful to put that on her, but they’d fallen into that habit years ago, and it was difficult to break. Though they had worked on it at one point, and it was far better than it used to be.
“It’s tough some days, but I know you’ll catch me when I fall.” Heidi gave a small quirk of her lips, but it never reached her eyes.