“I do love you,” Lea’s voice was so soft. She reached up and cupped Jewel’s cheek, the warmth from her fingers seeping into Jewel’s skin. “I do love you, J. I promise. I just…this isn’t something I share about myself.”
“But why not? Why would it matter?”
“It doesn’t matter. That’s why. It doesn’t matter who I’m attracted to or who I’m not attracted to. My sexuality has no bearing on our friendship.”
That last word stung. It hurt far more than any other part of their conversation that morning. That really was all Lea saw between them. Friendship. Jewel had known that in the back of her mind somewhere, she’d known that she would never be anything more than a friend to Lea, but God, she wanted to be more. She wanted all those layers to be unraveled only for her. She had no idea what to say, her mind spun a mix of hurt, pain, joy, and chaos, so she stepped away to give herself some space.
“Why does this matter so much to you?” Lea asked, her words clear and precise where Jewel’s were a mess of confusion.
Tears sprung into her eyes unbidden. “Because I love you, Azalea.”
There. She’d said it. Lea could take her statement however she wanted to. They’d told each other they’d loved each other before, in friendship, but Jewel knew she’d meant it more than that. Her realization a few weeks ago that she liked Lea was more than like. She was in love with her best friend, and love didn’t just vanish that easily, especially a romantic love that was built so deeply on friendship.
Lea cocked her head at Jewel. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you call me that.”
Jewel gave a small smile. “Eli told me no one calls you Lea.”
Grinning, Lea nodded. “She would be correct. No one but you, that is. It means I always know it’s you when I hear it.”
One more chance. She could take it. “Why would it matter that you always knew it was me?”
Lea looked confused, but Jewel let it slide. She straightened her back and bolstered herself for at least the next few hours. She would have to take this one hour at a time until she figured out what to do next.
Turning to Lea, Jewel nodded. “Come on, let’s finish our walk.”
“Are you sure?” Lea canted her head.
“Yeah. Eli said this place was pretty.”
“It’s prettier when it’s not the middle of March.”
Jewel snorted. “I’m sure about that.”
She didn’t wait as she walked on ahead of Lea. She would either catch up or she would turn around and go back to the house. Either way, Jewel would be fine. The quiet and silence to reflect over that disaster of a conversation would be welcomed. She needed to process. Had Lea really never thought of the possibility of the two of them? Others in Jewel’s life had, including Brady, but certainly not only him.
Surely it couldn’t be that big a leap.
With her hands shoved into her pockets, Jewel walked at a decent pace. She didn’t want to linger out there any longer, didn’t want to be alone with Lea any longer than necessary. She needed the buffer of the other guests, of Eli even, just to keep herself in line.
They spent the next two hours of the walk talking as surface-level as possible, an unspoken agreement between the two of them. While the conversation was somewhat relaxing, the undertone of tension hadn’t gone away, at least not for Jewel, but she found it harder to read Lea by the end of their walk than the beginning. Her mind was so clouded with what hadn’t been said or heard. She needed a break.
As they got back to the house, they grabbed a quick lunch of sandwiches before Lea begged off for a nap. The house was surprisingly empty. She stepped toward the large fireplace and started the logs burning before sitting back. Her mind was a mess of confusion. She should have had that conversation so differently. They had gotten nowhere fast. Defeated, Jewel relaxed into the couch, staring at the flames licking the logs.
What was she going to do now?