“Why not?” Lea crossed her arms. “What could possibly be holding you back?”
This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. Jewel bit the inside of her cheek to try and stop herself from saying anything stupid. She was not known for holding her tongue like Lea was. Instead, she stepped around Lea to keep moving on the hike. Maybe it had been a disastrous idea to think spending this time together was going to be good for the both of them.
“Don’t walk away from this,” Lea called, catching up to her and spinning her to a stop with a forceful grab on her arm.
Jewel clenched her jaw. “You don’t want to continue with this conversation.”
“Yes. Of course I do. I can see you’re hurting. I want to help.”
“No. You don’t.”
“Jewel.” Lea stood firmly, her shoulders squared and her face set. “I do want to help.”
“You can’t help.”
“I can. Just talk to me.”
Jewel shook her head, backing up. “No.”
“Please,” Lea’s voice wavered, but she didn’t make a move to follow. “You know you can tell me anything.”
The panic that had been clawing at her vanished somewhere. The look in Lea’s blue eyes was so genuine, so perfect and welcoming. She could tell Lea anything. Lea had proved that time and time again throughout their friendship. But it wasn’t something Jewel wanted to tell her that was the problem. It was something Jewel wanted to ask her. Her lips parted, and she was just about to shake her head when the words tumbled out.
“Why haven’t you told me you’re a lesbian?”
The space between them could not have grown any wider. Jewel worried her question had come out like an accusation, but she hadn’t meant it that way. Sure, she wanted to know why Lea insisted on holding back that one piece of information about her life, but more, she wanted to know why Lea hid it at all—and for so long.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jewel rolled her eyes. She shifted her stance, not willing to let it go anymore. “Don’t be idiotic, Lea. I’m not stupid. I’ve known for years, but why haven’t you told me? Did you not trust me?”
Lea’s cheeks paled, her entire body tense as if she was going to fall into a hole and no one would see her again. Jewel really had to fix that, had to make Lea see this wasn’t an accusation. She tried to step forward but Lea jerked back. “Don’t.”
“Lea…”
“Don’t touch me right now.”
Jewel put both her hands up, indicating she would listen. Lea drew in a ragged breath, as if she was going to cry. She turned to stare out at the rolling hills of the farmland in front of them. Jewel didn’t look at the environment. Her eyes were locked on Lea. She should have done so much better bringing that conversation up.
They stood there another five minutes before Lea turned. “Come on, let’s keep walking.”
“Okay.” Confused, Jewel listened. This time the silence was created by Lea. They moved over the next ridge and headed down the path. So many thoughts slipped through her mind, so many things she wanted to say, not to take back what she’d asked but ask it better. After they reached the bottom of the next valley, Jewel stopped short. “Are you going to talk to me?”
Lea gave a pained expression. “Why are you asking me this now? Of all the days in the last five years?”
“Why haven’t you told me in five years? Surely you should know by now that I wouldn’t care.”
“It’s…It wasn’t that.” Lea’s fists clenched. “That’s not why I didn’t tell you.”
“Then why? Please, let me in a little more.”
Lea regarded her carefully. “I haven’t told anyone.”
“Bullshit. Eli knows. I know she knows. She didn’t even have to say it. What makes her so damn special to find out but you can’t tell me?”
Recognition flitted through Lea’s eyes. She nodded slowly and walked closer, crossing her arms. “You’re right. Eli does know, but she’s known since before I met you.”
“Why does she get to know?” Jewel worried for a brief moment she would break, and she realized how her question had come off based on the look in Lea’s eyes. “I’m not jealous. I promise you. I just…you’re full of layers, Lea. You have so many damn layers, and it’s like I hit a wall, one you wouldn’t let me past, but you’ll let other people past, and I don’t understand. I thought you loved me.”