I need to show that I’m worthy of her love.
“Alright, enough. I don’t want to hear about your epic love story anymore. I need to get back to the house to check on Jules, and then get to bed. I’ve been pulling all-nighters lately, and they’re seriously starting to wear on me.”
I nod. “Same, between the investigation, looking for Cole, and trying to stop myself from going to her, I’ve been losing my mind. Maybe I’ll be able to get some sleep tonight.” I grin. One can only hope, right?
As Seb and I get up off the couches and he starts to head toward the door, his phone chimes in his pocket.
He pulls it out and glances down at the screen. I don’t even have to get a full look at his face to see the ashen fear in his eyes.
“What’s going on?”
“We need to go. I just got a notification that someone broke in through the sliding glass door at the house.”
I don’t even think. I just start moving. If something happens to her again, if he touches her again, I’ll kill him.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jules
I take a long hot shower, and then make myself some hot chocolate. It’s not as good as the one I typically get down on the corner next to campus but it still tastes good, and plus it’s chocolate. Who passes up on chocolate?
It’s not until the cup is half empty that I realize my taste has returned to normal. Sebastian left about thirty minutes ago, letting me know he would be back soon. He didn’t tell me where he was going or what he was doing, and though it’s none of my business, I feel a little guilty for scaring him the way I did over the last month.
I crawl into bed with a book and try to enjoy the story while I sip on my hot chocolate and skim the pages of the paperback in my hands. It’s the first time I’ve picked up a book in weeks, the first time I could focus on something besides my thoughts.
I had lost complete interest in any kind of entertainment but opening up to that therapist earlier this morning, lifted a huge weight off my chest and now when I take a breath, I can actually breathe. I can actually feel the air filling my lungs.
I know I’m far from being back to my former cheery self, but at least I’ve taken steps toward it. At least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel when this morning I was still in complete darkness. Hearing them talk about Remmy like they did, accusing him of such horrible things just cracked the walls holding back my emotions and talking about what happened broke them down even more.
No matter how angry, hurt, and devastated I am over what he did to me, I can’t live in a world where Remmy is in jail for something he didn’t do and all because I didn’t speak up. Thinking about him now feels different. Before talking to Susan, I felt almost nothing for him and the slithers of feeling that came through were not pleasant.
Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel again, I remember all the good times we shared and I wonder if maybe I can forgive him, eventually. I try to imagine my life going forward, I try to think of a life that would make me happy, a future that I would like to live in.
I put the book down beside me, unable to concentrate on it any longer. My head starts to throb as I rack my brain running through a hand full of scenarios in my head.
I think about my friends, school, what I want to study, and where I want to live. After a few minutes, I realize that every single scenario has Remmy in it. There is not a single future I can imagine without him and that scares me a little.
I don’t know if we can go back to being together again, still, I know I need him in my life somehow. Even if it’s just as a friend. I love him and I can’t deny myself that. I’ve always loved him even though it wasn’t always the same kinds of love, it was love nevertheless.
I rub at my temples. I doubt that I will ever be whole without him close to me. I feel like he holds parts of my soul inside him and that without him, I will always be missing a part of myself. I could never be fully happy without him by my side. Now the question is, can we find a way back to each other? I mean, does he even want to find a way back to me?
A loud noise from the living room pulls me from my wallowing. I kick the blanket off of my legs and leave the confines of my bedroom, tiptoeing out into the living room. In all the time I had lived here with Sebastian, he has never brought anyone home.