Chapter 7 - Marian
I placed my dinner plate in the sink and stared out the kitchen window. I could hear the low rumble of thunder outside and prayed it rained tonight. I loved when it rained at night and the soothing peace it offered.
I was plagued by the story Isaac told the little boy at the mall earlier. It was the only memory he had from his childhood, from when he was human, and as much as it was a beautiful memory, it was sad.
During our chat in the forest, he'd said many vampires who’d lived for decades forgot things from their many lifetimes, and I couldn't imagine not remembering my mom or Diana. To watch everyone you love die and watch the world move on without you while you remain the same was a hard pill to swallow.
It was a maddening thought.
Living forever or close enough to forever had its advantages but disadvantages too that I wasn't sure I could ever face. I felt, for werewolves, it was better than with vampires. Wolves aged slowly, so they didn’t live for centuries like vampires.
After washing the dishes, I went back into the living room to search for a movie to watch. I got comfortable with my light purple throw draped over my legs, and while scrolling through the many movie options, I recalled my conversation with Isaac about the people he'd dated in the past.
He'd had so much time to fall in love repeatedly while I loved only one man for many years, and then I spent more years making sure I didn’t fall for anyone else. How many heartbreaks did Isaac suffer through when I'd only experienced one, and it shaped my life significantly?
After Dorian and I broke up, I hated him, and when the hate faded, I’d forced myself to remember it to use the pain as motivation. That was wrong of me, toxic even, but I told myself to always remember the agony I experienced so I wouldn’t put myself in a position to experience it again.
Now that I thought about it, I'd robbed myself of the joy of experiences.
Relationships grew and fell apart. That was a part of living. Good and bad relationships gave us memories, opened and closed doors, and taught us lessons.
The first lesson I was taught was, to love but love myself as well, and it forced me to close myself off.
I wasn't old, but I was getting older, and now, loneliness was setting in. In addition, Dorian being back was sending me into a spiral. The longing I’d thought was gone was immerging from its depths, and so were my feelings for Dorian.
No one forgets their first love, but what about people like me with a first love that was also their last?
“Fuck,” I grumbled and switched the television off.
I didn't want to be curious about Dorian's life outside of Wolfcreek, the life he'd chosen over me, but I was. He'd changed so much, and I wanted to know what caused it. I wanted to know about his scars.
I was mad at him for what he'd done, but I'd also forgiven him. I hadn't lied when I said I didn't want to be consumed by vengeance. I’d allowed that to happen already, and although I’d used that vengeance to carve out a great future for myself, it was still something that ate at me.
I'd despised relationships, men, and love for so long, and I stayed away from it all for a very long time.
I'd pushed Dorian to follow his dreams, and when he was brave enough to do so and make his goals a priority, I’d hated him for it. Now, I saw that I did the same. I pushed away every man that ever showed interest in me because I had goals, and I wanted to see those goals through.
Dorian and I were young when we dated, filled with passions and dreams. Even though I had been ready to give up my goals for him, I had no right to be angry that he wasn’t willing to do the same. Hating him now while understanding this would make me a hypocrite if I continued down a hate-filled path, but God, did I want to hate him.
I wanted to hate him because it would stop me from thinking about the fact that a part of me still loved him.
When my phone started ringing, the high-pitched tune startled me, and I reached out to the device on the coffee table.
“Hola, Mommy," I answered, and I heard a bike revving in the background. “Mom?”
“Hola, mi Princesa!” Mom replied. “Hold on. Hold on, babe. Samuel! Give the bike a day to rest, huh! Give it a rest! I’m on the phone with your cousin!”
"Sorry, aunty!" I heard my cousin yell in the background, and I got on my side with a wide grin.
“Tell Samuel and everyone hi for me,” I said, my cheek pressed into the sofa, and my mom hissed with annoyance.
“I told you not to buy him that bike,” she grumbled. "If he could sleep with it in his room, I swear he'd drag it into the house."
“He’s a good kid, and it's the only thing he asked for,” I rebutted, and she sighed.
“Well, he’s driving me nuts, but how are you, Marian? We haven’t spoken since you called to say you got home safe.”
I turned onto my back. “Yeah, I’ve just been trying to get back into the swing of things here.”