CHAPTER5
LOGAN
“When can I meet my daughter?” Excitement wars with resentment as I stare at June’s wary face, trying to keep my cool and not let emotions overrun good sense.
“I don’t know. I need to prepare her. She’s vulnerable, and I don’t want to set her up for disappointment— “
“What the hell are you implying, June? I’m her father, aren’t I? I’m not going to bail on her. I don’t want to meet her so I can say hello and disappear. If she’s my daughter, I’m her father, and I’ll make sure she knows it. Every single day for the rest of her life.” I don’t say what I’m thinking, but despite my effort to stay cool—as if I ever could—I know I’m telegraphing my hurt and the regret of all we’ve lost. That I would have shown June how much I loved her every single day for the rest of her life too, if she’d let me.
“You don’t have any idea what it takes to be a father, what kind of commitment it takes. I think we all need to have the same understanding of what your role is.”
“Myroleis her father. I’ll be there for her; she’ll be able to count on me— “
“It’s not about money— “
Rage splits open my gut. “Are youserious? Do you think I’m talking about money?Really, June?” My voice shakes, my entire body quakes with anger, loss, and need. I needed to see Nicky, that little girl who wrote that sad letter. The need to comfort her and hold her and make her feel like the most special kid in the world overwhelms me. I can’t believe June doesn’t see it, that she doesn’t have any faith in me. That she thinks so little of me.
I spin around and head for the door because I can’t say another word now. I don’t want to pile up any more regrets. As I reach for the door handle, June catches me and holds my arm, puts herself in front of me, blocking me like a wingman coming into the corner to stop me from shooting the puck out of the zone.
Staring her down, I dare her to say what she has to say, to explain away somehow the insulting words.
“I’m sorry—I just didn’t want you to think I want your money. Because I don’t.”
“Not for one second did it cross my mind that you were looking for my money, June.” My words were quiet, and I paused to let them sink in. “See, I remember who you are. I know you’re not that kind of girl—woman. Even if you seem to have forgotten all about who I am— “
“No, I haven’t.” She rushes her words, squeezing my arm as if she’s afraid I’m going to bolt, but she’s right to be worried because I’m feeling nauseous right now, disoriented, like I’ve been confronted with an Alice in Wonderland version of the girl I knew, the dreams I held. I’m sick to know they were all a figment of my imagination, sick that I’d held onto that hope, that the dreams were so easily resurrected with a letter and the sight of her six years later.
“I know you’re a decent man, the most decent human being I’ve ever met, in fact, giving and loyal and honest. I’m well aware that I threw that all away six years ago because I was a coward then, but I’m not going to be a coward now. There’s so much more at stake. I’m a mother, and there’s nothing more important to me than Nicky. She deserves to have you as a father. But only if you can really be a father to her—not because you’re not willing, Logan.” Her voice pleads with me.
“I know it’s a lot to ask, a lot to take in all of a sudden after six years. Especially because I’ve been dishonest with you, I cheated you out of those six years, and it’s an unforgivable thing, and I’m asking you to overlook a lot— “
“Stop. I don’t care about that.” I swipe my hand through my hair, wondering if that’s true. Probably. I’m that much of a sap. June has that much of a hold on me. Then shaking my head, I try and ignore her, try not to be affected by her presence, by that thing between us, the scent of her, the feel of her body up against mine, heating me up.
“I care about Nicky’s welfare first too. I’m not a selfish idiot.” Maybe I once was, expecting June to go along with my future regardless of what it meant for her life, regardless of any hardships or misgivings. I’d expected her to put her life aside and be there at my side to support my ambitions no matter what, not even thinking that she’d be a hanger-on, playing second fiddle.Talk about a selfish bastard. That there is the definition of selfish. It’s not like I was going to cure cancer. I play hockey for cripe's sake. There’s nothing so all-important about it, nothing that justified my taking her support for granted the way I did.
“Not anymore. Although I admit I was selfish back then, I should have handled things differently, June. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
Shaking her head, she says, “I should have handled things differently. I was an idiot running off the way I did with the first man who came along and showed an interest in me.”
“Why did you?” The question slips out before I can think better of it because damn it, I need to know.
She shrugs. “Million-dollar question. Now it’s hard for me to get back inside that scared girl’s head to figure her out. I think I was running away from failure. Because next to you, that’s what I felt like more and more. Like a hanger-on. A nobody hanging onto your coattails, and I was terrified you’d discover it and let me loose down the road some time, and I’d be left with nothing in the middle of nowhere and have to come home with my tail between my legs.”
“You know that would never have happened. I loved you.”I love you still. But I can’t admit that to her because I don’twantto still be in love with her. I can’t be. How can I love a girl who deserted me and raised my baby with another man? What kind of sap am I?
“You don’t know that. You were still growing up too. We were both too young. Then.”
Sucking in a breath, I see the hope in her eyes, hear it in her words, and it connects with that stupid vulnerable place in me like a bulls-eye. But the last thing I need to do now is encourage going back there with her. Trying to rekindle that relationship would be too dangerous for me because I don’t think I could take another desertion from her in my life. And now there’s Nicky,my daughter’swelfare to think about.
“In a perfect world, we could start over and be one big happy family as if our past mistakes never happened. But Junie, you know we can’t do that. Can’t take that chance,” I say, my words as gentle as possible given the grenade of emotion lodged in my throat.
She nods, but I see the sadness fill her eyes, if only for a second. Then the new-found strength of the grown-up June, the woman she’s become, takes over with determination and strength. I can see resignation filling up the well deserted by hope in her.
“You’re right. I’m glad we agree on that. I’ll talk to Nicky.” She swallows hard. “I’ll tell her I want her to meet an old friend. Let’s plan on meeting…I don’t know when. What’s your schedule like?”
An old friend. The words sear my heart, but I let it go. Take a deep breath.
“Other than games, you and Nicky are my priority. I’m free on Saturday afternoon and evening.”