CHAPTER4
JUNIE
How could I feel so faint with my heart beating so hard? I step back and lean against the counter. I knew it would be like this. All those feelings for Logan resurfaced with a vengeance the minute I walked back into town, into my old life, as if my marriage to David and life in New York City had all been a dream, a pretend world I’d constructed to keep me from dwelling on all that I’d lost, all that I could have had with Logan. And Nicky. The life I’d thrown away because I was too afraid to take the all or nothing risk. Well, I lost anyway, didn’t I? Lesson learned. Don’t do that again—don’t ever be such a damn coward.
“Are you alright?” He takes a step closer, puts a hand on my arm like he needs to touch me. The contact shouldn’t make me feel better. Its warmth is too temporary, but it’s real and solid, and it’s Logan, so the touch has those superpowers that raise me from wherever I am to the next level, to the sky.
Nodding, I say, “Look, I don’t blame you for being angry. What I did was horrible. I should never have kept Nicky from you. I should have told you right away.”
“And you didn’t because the defiant girl I know full of sass suddenly lost her backbone?” His words aren’t conciliatory, but the edge of anger is blunted and tolerable, like maybe touching me affects him too. I know the physical attraction is still there between us; our chemistry hasn’t faded a bit. But I’m not—or no longer foolish enough to think that means things between us are, or ever can be, the same on every other level. He’s lost trust in me because I ran off and got married to a stranger, the first man I had a chance to just so I could escape from him.
Did I lose any of my feelings for him? No.Hell no. I have to be unlucky enough to feel still the exact same adoration bordering on sickness for him that I always have because he’s still that same loyal, decent, loving boy I knew, only now a man. Even better. I take in a shaky breath.
“You overestimated my backbone. Honestly? I was afraid of losing you when you went away to college without me. Seeing you with Sharon just sealed my suspicion. I’m not sure if I really believed her or that it mattered that you were completely innocent.” Pausing, my heart stutters and not in a good way as his face clouds up. He’s a passionate guy, and I can see it all on his face. He’s never held back with me, and he’s still showing me everything. So, I can see his anger and disappointment simmering, only I’m not sure if it’s aimed at me or, maybe himself.
“It’s not your fault.” I need to pre-empt any guilt he might feel because I’m not the same girl I was. “It’s all on me. I was too young. Clearly.” Then I add to reassure him because I know he’ll be concerned, “But I grew up fast once I had Nicky. I’ve been a good mother to her. I love her more than anything or anyone in the world.”Including you. But I don’t need to say the words as his eyes search mine, knowing.
He nods. “I have no doubt.” A beat of dead silence passes. Then he blows out a long breath, and his face clears. The tension in him releases. It’s like all the anger and resentment and whatever other negative emotions escaped him with that air. Like he purposely expelled it all. My heart stutters again, and this time there’s an accompanying bubble of hope fluttering my gut.
He says, “I’d like the chance to do the same.” The serious look on his face melts me, and this is what I wanted; this is my goal scored, the exact result of my dreams. My chest goes crazy now like I have Fever 333’s Aric Improta drumming inside me—double-time.