Chapter Eight
Maddie
I don’t get far before Jacob catches up with me.
“You may not want to talk to me, Maddie,” he says, “but I’m not letting you walk home in the middle of the night. Anything could happen.”
I want to scream that anything did happen. We slept together. Had actual, real-life sex when we were supposed to be friends and nothing more. Now I have that to deal with on top of everything else. His mother had a heart attack, and two hours later, we were making out against her kitchen counter.
Jacob follows me right up to my door and watches me go inside.
I open the curtain slightly to see if he leaves, and after a few minutes, he turns and goes home.
I close my eyes, fighting tears. I lost myself in Jacob, in his touch, his kisses, the sweet sensation of him inside me. I was so wrapped up in him I didn’t think about the consequences of what we were doing. For a few blissful hours, I gave into the pure joy of being in his arms. But then the nightmares returned, and here I am, alone again, having done the walk of shame at four-thirty in the morning.
I’ve lost my mind.
I want to scream at myself, pull at my hair. I throw the mask down on the console table along with my clutch and keys and head through to the kitchen. I’m so angry at myself I know I won’t be able to sleep, so I make myself a cup of tea and grab my journal from my room.
Another nightmare. Nathan hitting Mum, hitting me, grabbing at his crotch, and making threats.
I pause, unsure whether to document that this was also the night I lost my virginity to my best friend. What would my therapist think about that? What do I think about that?
I think I’ve destroyed our relationship, and I have no one to blame but myself. One touch and I melted into Jacob like ice cream melting in the midday sun.
Why didn’t I put on the brakes before we went too far?
Because there were no brakes, My mind whispers.
I take a sip of tea, trying to push down another glaring truth that keeps worming its way into my mind.
I’m crashed out on the sofa, half-asleep, when Fiona drags her ass through the front door a few hours later. She’s holding her head and groaning, but I’m so deep in thought it’s not until she plops herself down on the other end of the sofa that I realise she’s in the same room.
“Where did you go?” she asks.
I turn my head to look at her, raising an eyebrow. I don’t have to say anything else.
Her entire face lights up as she throws her arms around me.“It’s about bloody time!”
Jacob
The hospital is manic when I arrive. I have nothing but respect for the people who work here, in whatever capacity. It must be like trying to keep four-hundred flaming balls in the air at once. As I head up to the cardiac unit, staff and visitors alike are milling around everywhere. Dad texted me the ward and room numbers, and I remembered to pack a few extra bits for him.
I grab him a coffee on the way up because I know for a fact he won’t have left Mum's side all night even though she is likely still sleeping.
“Hello, Son,” Dad says as I knock and enter the room.
“How is she?” I ask.
“She’s okay. They put in a stent, and everything is ticking over nicely.” His voice is strained, and I want to reach out and hug him. The only other time I’ve seen him this exhausted was when Kait died.
“Son…” Dad’s face is solemn, and I know something serious is coming. “I’m sorry that we’ve been so wrapped up in grief over Kait that we’ve neglected you. Made you feel as though you weren’t important or special. It’s not the case, not at all. I’ve struggled to deal with my grief, and your Mum’s was so overwhelming it seemed to swallow her whole.” He pauses and looks over at me. ‘We both love you so much, Jacob.’
I’m shocked by this show of honesty and affection from my Dad and have to swallow past the lump in my throat.
“I know, Dad. I miss Kait every single day. But it was hard growing up after she passed away.”
“I know, and I can’t change the past. But going forward, I promise I’ll try harder.” As he says this, he squeezes Mum’s hand, and her eyes flicker open.