“Thank you so much, Slodki aniol.” Jozef leans and kisses my head once more. Turning, I feel something wet on my forehead and see the evidence of his emotion on his face. He slides down toward the foot of the bed and places his mouth on my stomach. It is something he does day and night so this is nothing new, but it feels more important right now. More meaningful, us sharing this together. “Daddy loves you so much little Pea. You and your mama are my life, my son. I swear I will be better than my father ever was.” And I am leaking from my eyes again.
His cheek lays against my stomach and I take the moment to run my hands through his hair. I don’t realize the doctor had left the room until she comes back in with bags and pamphlets.
“Alright. So, you are measuring in the normal range but you are a bit underweight. I want you to increase your caloric intake by at least five hundred. Try adding more vegetables and light proteins.” Is she serious? I was already thick thanks to being Irish and my dad owning a bakery my entire life. She wants me to add more weight? I look over and see Jozef taking mental notes, intently staring at her and I know I am not going to get away with not following her order. Damn it. “These are the vitamins. I gave you organic ones. I want you to take two a day for thirty days and then one a day for the rest of your pregnancy. We have to make sure your folic acid levels rise. Here is information on stages of development and contact information for how to reach me. Let’s schedule something for six weeks from now. By then we should be able to determine the sex of your baby. Any questions?”
I shake my head no because honestly I have nothing. She hands me a CD and pictures from the ultrasound and walks out of the room. As soon as the door closes he smirks, looks at me and deadpans. “Well shit.” He laughs and I giggle covering my mouth. The air in the room feels lighter now and I have him to thank for all of it.
“I don’t know what to say right now.” I tell him to be honest. He simply looks at me, grabs the sheet from my hand and begins wiping the gel from my stomach. His movements are slow and gentle. I can tell he is deep in thought and trying to figure out what to say. “Babe, what’s wrong?” His eyebrow goes up at the term of endearment. I had begun calling him that during our week together but haven’t called him that since.
“Been a while since I heard you call me that.” He sounds sad.
“I know. I’m sorry.” I rub his cheek hoping he looks at me even though I love him being so honed in on my stomach.
“I love you both so fucking much, Aisling. Do you believe that?” I nod because I do. I know that even though I have been fighting it. “Good. I know you don’t want this… us. But, I can’t let you walk away from me, baby. I can’t.” he shakes his head like he is fighting the thought and I can feel the emotion building inside of me. I run my hands through his hair and close my eyes. I need to tell him what is in my heart. We have just shared this beautiful, surreal moment and here he is, this big, strong, mafia dude, spilling his guts and shedding tears with me. I can be strong too. Can’t I?
“I don’t want to be without you, Jozef. I think I am just… scared. My parents have always told me I wasn't ready for life in the real world. They told me I was sheltered and I resented it. I rejected it really, not wanting to believe it. I thought they were just saying that because I am a girl. But the first blow came when I started working for Stepan. I began to see my rose colored glasses were dirty. Your admission totally ripped them off and I rejected it again. But it never once changed how much I love you. I just don’t know if I can handle this life. I am not strong like Chiara obviously is. I don’t know that I am cut out for this life.” That is my truth. He stands and grabs both sides of my face.
“I am sorry baby. I didn’t think about it like that. I can’t tell you how to feel or even promise you nothing will touch you. I can only swear that I would die to protect our child,” he places his hand on my stomach, “And that my family will become your family.” I believe him. I really do. But the word family hits me hard and I allow the tears that had been building to fall. I miss my parents so much. “Baby, look at me.”