I listened, unsure how all this mattered.
“But then I fucked up,” she went on. “I forgot to take my birth control. By the time I took a pregnancy test, I understood who I was dealing with. I knew he’d think I’d done it on purpose, trying to trap him into marrying me. He was always paranoid, talking about how the women he dated were desperate to get a piece of his wealth and attach themselves to his family name. I wasn’t like that. It was an honest mistake, I swear.”
“I believe you.” And for whatever reason, I did. I knew my sister well enough to know she was essentially a genuine person. She could be evasive, she could disappear for months or sneak around the truth when I did get ahold of her, but right now I had no doubt she was speaking from the heart.
“Thank you.” She sniffled. “I couldn’t get rid of the baby. Couldn’t imagine doing it, even when it was only a little ball of cells. I knew it was going to grow into a real person, Derek’s son or daughter. I decided to disappear and give birth.”
“So you could raise Gretchen on your own?”
“No… so I could go back to Derek after.”
My eyes fell on the baby again, innocently making her way around the room on her hands and knees. “You never intended to keep Gretchen?”
“I was going to for a few months,” she said. “Long enough to get my body back… so that Derek wouldn’t notice anything when I went back to him. I figured I’d make up some story about how I’d been traveling in Europe… I thought we could pick up where we left off.”
“And then?”
“And then I had Gretchen,” she said, her voice breaking. “And I loved her.”
Of everything Amanda could’ve said, that was the last thing I’d expected to hear. “You did?”
“So much I couldn’t stand to be around her.” Amanda sniffled again. “I had to get her away from me as soon as possible, or I knew I’d never be able to leave.”
“That’s when you brought her to me.”
“Exactly.” She had to be crying now, I could hear the choked sobs. “I’m sorry, Faye. It was for Gretchen’s own good. I’m sorry for the way I did it, too, but I had to. I couldn’t look at you when I dropped her off. I knew you’d have questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. And if I had to stand there and answer them, I would’ve broken. Forgotten the whole plan and taken her with me. And I wanted to be with Derek more than anything els
e.”
More than being with her daughter. Anger flared inside me. Amanda might’ve been sincere, but leaving her baby with someone else still made her a shitty mother in my eyes.
“But you didn’t go back to Derek in the end,” I said. “Why?”
I figured he’d probably had a new girlfriend by that point. A wealthy, attractive man like that wouldn’t stay single for long if he didn’t want to.
But Amanda’s answer surprised me. “Because of you,” she sobbed. “By the time I’d gotten back to my normal self, you’d gotten in my head with your whole thing about how I should’ve kept Gretchen. I knew I was a terrible mother, a pathetic human being… and Derek deserved better than that.”
“God, Amanda.” I could almost feel sorry for her. “Where have you been all this time? What have you been doing?”
“Nothing in particular. This and that.” She sighed. “I pick up work when I can. Waitressing, bartending… I scrape by okay. I’ve been sending as much money as I can.”
“And I appreciate that. The checks helped. I know things are as tight for you as they are for me.”
Amanda made a small sound of acknowledgment. “It’s been lonely. I went back to Sargasso, since that’s where I was last happy. I tried hanging out with my old friends again, but nothing was the same. All I could think about was Gretchen. And when I ran into Derek…”
“You told him the truth,” I finished.
“He got it out of me. I don’t think he thinks I’m a gold digger… but he doesn’t want me back, either. He just wants to take my baby and raise her. Alone.”
“I’m not going to let him do that. I’m going to fight tooth and nail to keep her.” I hesitated, a pit growing in my chest. “You don’t want to take her now, do you?”
Amanda sniffled one last time. “I don’t know, Faye. I know you’re a better parent than I’d ever be. But I miss her. Even though I only had her for one day, I love her.”
On the floor, Gretchen had managed to surround herself with blocks of all different colors. For such a tiny kid, she seemed to have a big effect on people.
“We’ll figure this out,” I told my sister. “The important thing is keeping her in the family.”
We hung up, and I focused on Gretchen. “You’re giving a lot of people a really big headache, little girl.”