Just walking into the apartment nearly had me in tears. I’d spent the happiest days of my life here. I’d thought—stupidly—they’d never end.
Before packing anything, I wandered around and touched everything. Here was the couch I’d cuddled Gretchen on. Here was the sink where I’d bathed her.
A few Lego blocks were still on the floor. Out of habit, I picked them up and put them back in the box.
For the last time. I rubbed my eyes.
When the emotion had faded enough, I went into the bedroom. The memories were just as strong here, if more sexual.
Was it only a few nights ago Faye had me pinned to the mattress, telling me how much she loved me as she kissed down the length of my body? It felt like an eternity.
I took my things. Books, mostly—I didn’t own much else. My clothes fit in a couple of shopping bags. I could carry everything down to the car in one trip.
When everything was collected in bags at the door, I paused and took a few breaths. As soon as I took this mass of stuff out the door, it’d be as if I’d never been here at all. It was that easy for Faye to erase me from her life.
No wonder she’d never committed to me in any major way. Whether consciously or not, she’d been leaving this option open.
Staying on Sven and Farrah’s couch was only a temporary solution. Where did I go from here? Should I get another apartment with new roommates, or move back to my mom’s place to lick my wounds? She’d enjoy the company, and I knew my incessant whining was already starting to irritate my friends. For my part, it was a little difficult to spend so much time with a happy couple when I was this heartbroken.
Swallowing my bitterness, I grabbed the bags. A book toppled from one stack and fell on the floor—my copy of Twenty-One Love Poems.
I picked it up and set it on Faye’s coffee table, leaving it open to the unnamed poem with the line I’d quoted so long ago.
I used to think I understood what Adrienne Rich meant about a body haunting you.
Now I knew. And I desperately wished I didn’t.
24
Faye
On the floor, Gretchen scooted from one end of the kitchen to the other. She was restless today, moving constantly around the apartment as best as she could on her chubby little knees.
It did feel oddly empty without Jaz here. But she was too little to understand that.
The phone rang, and I picked it up with a sigh.
“Hey, sis.”
“Amanda.” I pressed the phone to my ear, sinking back into my chair. “The lawyer said you would call. I guess you’ve heard the news about Gretchen.”
“I have.”
I glanced at the baby crawling into the living room, my heart aching at the thought of her being taken away from me. “This Derek guy… is he really the father?”
Amanda paused for a long moment. “Yes.”
“So you knew all along? Why would you tell me you had no idea?”
“I had my reasons, okay?”
“Reasons like what?” I pressed. “Did you know from the start he’d actually want Gretchen? Why would you take her away from a loving home?”
My sister sighed. “I didn’t want to put this on him.” Her voice got smaller. “I was in love, okay? I didn’t know who he was when he picked me up in the bar. Or when we decided to go on a few other dates after that. He always came over to my place, not the other way around. I was never some kind of gold digger. It wasn’t about that.”
“So you didn’t know he was a Conway?”
“No!” Amanda said. “Not until well after I’d fallen for him. We spent every minute together for a month, and I’d never been so happy. He treated me like a princess, and me… I worshiped him.”