“Explain.” Maggie waves a chip at me. “In more detail.”
“It’s hard.” I lean back in the vinyl booth, letting out a sigh. “I know him, Maggie. I know that’s hard to believe from your perspective, and I totally get it. I really do. But I’ve seen him in any number of moods, in a lot of different situations. And Ibelievehim. Trust—that we have to work on. But I do believe he meant it. The entire conversation we hadafterthe sex was different from any conversation we’ve had before. Completely different. And the sex this morning—”
“He hasn’t gone all mushy, has he? Quit being hot and kinky?” Maggie grins. “I know how much you like that, you filthy little slut.”
I throw a piece of napkin at her, flushing bright red. “Stop! Or I’m going to regret ever telling you any of this.”
“Well?” She wiggles her eyebrows, and I resist the urge to cover my face with my hands.
“No,” I admit. “He hasn’t stopped any of that. But it feels—different.”
“Different how?”
“Like he doesn’t want to hurt me. He doesn’t want to upset me. He just wants—” I don’t know how to put it in words that I can say out loud. Saying that he wants toownme, for me to behis, sounds too filthy in the broad daylight. “It’s like he’s treating me as an equal now.”
“As you always should have been,” Maggie snorts. “And what about your ‘arrangement’?” She makes quotation marks with her fingers, pursing her lips. “Is he still going to go off and fuck other women?”
I shake my head. “No. He’s definitely not. I broke things off with Niall, too. All of that—it’s done, Maggie. We’re just us now. And he’s trying to make a new way forward with the Kings. We’re starting fresh. Us, and his brother—”
“He’s making up with Liam?” Maggie looks at me curiously. She doesn’t know many details of the feud, of course—it would be impossible without telling her things that could put her in danger. But she’s aware that Liam and Connor have been at odds.
“He wants to try.” I take a sip, feeling my stomach churn with a touch of anxiety. I don’t really know how the conversation with Liam will go. He has reason not to trust his brother after all of this, and the information Connor has to give him about his child won’t be welcome, I know that much. But I have to believe that the bond between them will win out in the end. Now that Connor has come to this place where he wants to make peace, I know it will be a crushing blow if it fails.
“Why do you think this change has come about all of a sudden?” Maggie frowns. “It doesn’t worry you?”
I let out a breath. “No,” I tell her frankly. “But only because I’ve seen him fighting it. I felt like there was something there—something more, weeks ago. But I didn’t think he’d ever give in to it. I thought he’d just fight me and cut us both to pieces emotionally until I finally got pregnant, and we stopped—beingus.” Even thinking about it now hurts. “He admitted as much that he’d been fighting it.”
Maggie sighs. “I’ll be honest, I’m loathed to trust him after all of this, Saoirse. But you’re married to him. That’s not going to change, right?”
I nod. “No matter what, we’re married. There’s no divorcing in this life,” I say wryly. “Not without consequences. We’re together, for better or worse. So you can see why I would hope that just maybe, it can be for the better.”
“No, I understand,” Maggie says softly. “And I hope it can be, too. This can’t be easy, any of it.”
“It’s not,” I admit. “But—I love him. I felt it before, and I was trying to fight it, too. It’s not just him that’s been difficult and done wrong in all of this. We’ve both hurt each other. But I want it to be different, and I think he does too.”
“You love him?” Maggie’s expression is doubtful, and I can’t blame her. “Saoirse—I’m not judging. I’m really not. I want you to be happy. Especially if this marriage is forever—I don’t want you to live your life miserably. You deserve better. And if you think Connor can be that—”
“I do.” I bite my lower lip. “I wanted this. I wished there was some way it could be us. He’s—he’s a different man than the one I knew years ago. I knew that in London. And since then—I’ve realized he’s not the man I remembered at all. He’s become someone else. And that person—” I trail off, feeling my heart skip in my chest at the thought of Connor, of all I’ve learned about him, all I’ve experienced with him. “That person is a man that Iwant. A man I could love—and I do.”
Maggie gives me a lopsided grin, raising her margarita in my direction. “Your life isn’t one I could live, Saoirse. But that’s alright. We’re different people, but I love you all the same. And I’m here for you, whatever you choose, whatever comes. If things go right, I’ll celebrate with you, and if things go wrong, I’ll be here to listen. This is your life. You live it the way you think is right.” She takes a sip, setting it back down. “Honestly, I’m just glad to see you taking charge of it. That’s all I’ve wanted for you—to not let other people make your choices. If this isyourchoice, then I support you, no matter how it turns out.”
“It is,” I tell her firmly. “And I hope that I’m not wrong.”
“I hope so too.” Maggie leans forward, tapping her glass against mine. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life one day, and then you can listen to me talking about all this.”
“You’d have to stop running them all off first,” I tease her, returning the tap of the glass as I take a sip. “Seriously, though, is that what you want? To just be on your own?”
Maggie shrugs. “I like my life. I like my apartment, my space, and my privacy. No one tells me what to do or how to live it. It’d have to be a hell of a man to make me give that up.”
“I don’t know,” I say with a wink. “I kind of like it when Connor tells me what to do.”
“Oh my god,” Maggie laughs, nearly snorting out her drink as she doubles forward with laughter, the sound of it so infectious that I start laughing, too.
It feels good to be here laughing with my best friend, to not dread going home the way I have lately. To feel like my husband and I have a future together that’s better than the one I’d resigned myself to.
We stay at the restaurant for a while longer, chatting about Maggie’s job and the foundation, and the upcoming gala I have planned. When it’s finally time to pay the check, I cover it, giving her a quick hug goodbye before walking out towards the curb where the car I’d rented for the day is waiting for me. I’d gotten the idea recently that I might want to buy my own, and instead of taking Ubers while Connor has the town car, I’d decided to rent the kind of car I thought I might want to drive myself from time to time.
I could do with a little more independence, I thought. Even with—maybe evenespeciallywith—things being different between Connor and me.