Girl has sexual
awakening, decides she
likes men. She still dies.
Girl doesn’t have a
sexual awakening,
but she shaves her head!
Cheerleader figures
out she’s gay. NO ONE DIES! Film
revered forever.
Gina Gershon wears
a tight tank top. Sorry, does
something else happen?
First hour: eating.
Second hour: fucking. And
third hour: crying.
Straight-looking girl goes
gay. Male director slowly
jerks off for two hours.
Girl spends half the film
staring vacantly into
bodies of water.
Married lesbians
suffer from bed death, but can
still be great parents!
Hetero subplot
is added to make straights feel
okay with “gay stuff.”
HOW TO PICK UP A LESBIAN
Picking up a lesbian is not as easy as it looks, even though many are around five feet tall. For starters, it’s difficult to tell simply from appearances what ladies walking among us might be receptive to seeing us naked. Unless your potential paramour is wearing a sign that says “My other ride is your face!” it’s not often obvious that you are in fact courting a lady-lovin’ lady. There are a few signifiers to look for, of course—short asymmetrical haircuts, Coexist T-shirts, a preponderance of jorts in her wardrobe—but nothing foolproof. Just ask the countless lesbians who have mistakenly ogled both the teenage boy and his heterosexual mother sporting a mullet and a college sweatshirt because they thought they were lesbians. Alas, until the day comes when we decide to help potential lovers decipher our sexual proclivities with, say, a large face tattoo, we can only surmise, ask questions, and take chances. That said, however, the following haiku provide a jumping-off point to picking up the gay gal of your dreams using well-worn approaches field-tested in places as diverse as bars, gender studies classes, and the modular cube aisle at the Container Store.
MORE REALISTIC WAYS TO “FLAG” AS A WOMYN-LOVING WO’MOON