Morgun waited. She waited for there to be more, but there wasn’t anything else coming. Laney’s lips were pressed tightly together, and even if her eyes were getting big and watery, it was going to take more than that, for once, to get Morgun to change her mind.
This was serious and this was real. It really hurt her. It affected just about every aspect of her life going forward. She couldn’t just let it lie or let Laney take the easy way out on the excuse of giving her more time, because she wasn’t sure that she’d ever be ready, and she didn’t want to be the one constantly waiting, constantly hurting. She’d been through that before and it wasn’t fun. Eventually, she had to call it quits because she realized Lindsey was never going to be able to be where she wanted her to be. She’d grown a lot and come a long way, but it was still a massive way away from meeting Morgun anywhere near the middle.
Morgun didn’t want to think that this would end up the same way. Laney was older, more mature. Unfortunately, she also seemed to be more set in her ways, but the problem with that was that Morgun was sure that Laney was just more confused because of it. She wasn’t exactly set. She just thought she was set. It seemed that deep down she wasn’t even sure what she wanted. Or worse, that she was, but she just couldn’t go for it because she let her fear hold her back.
“I know you’re scared,” Morgun said patiently. “I get that. But you should also understand that I’m not willing to settle for that. There’s not this magic word than someone can say that can make the whole world implode. It’s a choice, Laney. You have to choose to want this. You have to choose to call bullshit on yourself. You have to choose to believe that you can do this and that you do want this and that it can work. If you can’t choose that, then I’m not willing to wait around with this big question mark at the end of every single day, week, month. I value my time more than that and I value myself more than that. I might be younger than you, but I know what I want. Life isn’t perfect and people aren’t perfect, so I understand that relationships can’t be, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone unless that’s what we’re really doing. Dating. And that they admit it, because admitting it means that they’re proud of me and that they care about me and they’re not scared to let people see it. I can’t deal with all the doubt and uncertainty and waiting around to see if you feel like you could make this work. I think you know by now and I’ve given it enough time to at least have you say the word and mean it. If you can’t, then I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to work out.”
“It’s not that I can’t say it!” Laney burst out. It was obvious that she was really struggling, and it hurt Morgun that she couldn’t just give in and comfort Laney, but she couldn’t. That wouldn’t be right. It would just undo everything she’d said.
“Then say it,” Morgun begged. “You could if you wanted to. I know that. I know what you feel, so I’m not sure why you’re holding back. I’m not even sure why we’re here right now, having this conversation.”
“It’s just that…”
“You could say you’re sorry. That you were scared, but you’re willing to get past that. That yes, we are dating. That yes, you want to be with me, and you’ll make it right to everyone you told today. You could say that you do care about me and you could ask me if I’m willing to take things slowly. You could explain to me what it is you’re afraid of and we could work through that together.”
Morgun waited. She didn’t think she was being unreasonable. She wasn’t demanding. She wasn’t trying to coach Laney into saying it. She was just trying to get her to think. To explain. To vocalize something that Morgun could understand. But then she realized that it might be unfair to ask for just one side of the picture.
“Or you could explain to me why you think it won’t work. You could tell me that it won’t, and we’ll stick with that. We’ll see each other around and say hi, and that will be fine.” It wouldn’t, but Morgun was willing to be mature enough to put on a brave face. She hated when people dated at work and brought their drama there for everyone to see when things weren’t going well. After couples broke up and they still had to be in the same space, she hated how crazy cold and awkward it was for everyone else.
“Either way,” Morgun went on, unable to stay silent. “I just wish you would talk to me.”
“I…I just can’t. I’m not good at this like you are. I don’t know what’s going on with me, and it’s hard to put it into words. I don’t know why I’m scared. I just know that I am and it’s not going to change. I want a career, Morgun. You know that. This is…you’re…it’s been…I just don’t think I can do both.”
“No one’s saying you have to do it all right now,” Morgun whispered through the pain. “No one. I’m not asking for a ring and to move in and for a family right now. Or tomorrow. Or for years. I just want some actual commitment.”
“I know.” Laney’s throat bobbed up and down when she swallowed. “I know that. And you’re right to ask for it and want it.” Her eyes filled up with tears that she blinked rapidly to clear. “I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. I thought I could, but it’s not going to work. I know that in the future, you’ll end up resenting me because I can’t give you everything you want and deserve, so there’s no point in going on and wasting time and having you find that out when I can tell you right now that it won’t work for me. With me. I am sorry. I need you to know that.”
“Okay.” It wasn’t okay. She didn’t know why she said that, other than it was expected of her and she had to. What else could she do? “I guess you should go then.”
“I…” Laney blinked. Like she hadn’t expected Morgun to tell her to leave. Like there would be something magical that happened between them and everything would just be fine. Or that Morgun would give in. Would change her mind and ask her to stay.
It wasn’t going to happen.
Laney finally realized that. She blinked rapidly again, but Morgun refused to be moved by the tears. It was done and she couldn’t soften and give in. She was worth more than that. She was worth being treated right. She knew she couldn’t be happy with just a quarter of a commitment. She wanted all of Laney. She was even willing to work with her and wait for her, but not if she was already certain that it wouldn’t work out. Having a fatalist attitude only ensured that things wouldn’t work.
Laney ducked her head and turned slowly. Morgun didn’t call her back. She didn’t call out to her when she walked out the door. She forced herself to walk over and lock it, not fling it open and go running after Laney. She purposely turned her phone off so she couldn’t regret-dial Laney’s number and stupidly pour out her heart or do any begging.
Morgun set her phone on the kitchen counter and walked woodenly to the bathroom. What she needed was a hot bath. A soak in the tub wouldn’t fix much, but at least she could wash way her tears in there.
She was totally numb when she turned the taps. She was still numb when she got in. She barely felt the hot water she splashed onto her face. She told herself she’d feel this way for a while and that it was okay, but really, the level of grief she felt scared her. The heartache scared her.
It was okay to be scared. It wasn’t okay to give up before a person even started. She didn’t blame Laney. From the first, Laney had said she wanted a career. Morgun thought a person really could have both, but only if they wanted to. It was up to them to change their mind about it. She couldn’t do that for Laney no matter how much she wanted to.
She took solace in the only thing she could: hope. Hope that Laney could still change her mind. Hope that maybe the pain she was obviously going through would signal to her that it was worth changing her mind and taking a chance.
That hope fizzled when Morgun realized it would probably do the opposite. If Laney was afraid of hurting, and she was hurting right now, it would probably only discourage her.
Morgun knew she couldn’t have done anything differently, but she still mourned the fact that everyone was right when they said that love or other feelings, or the rightness and naturalness of a special connection, sometimes just wasn’t enough.
Chapter 27
Laney
For twelve days, Laney stewed. She worked. Worked so hard that she didn’t have time to think about her personal life. She took extra clients. Extra sessions. She made sure she poured her all into editing, even more so than normal. She didn’t watch TV. She worked out in the spare minutes she did have, since exercise seemed to take her out of herself even more than TV did.
On day thirteen, the universe clearly wanted to give her a beat down. Or maybe a karmic sign. Laney wasn’t sure how to take it. She’d forgotten that the shoot she had booked in L.A. it was a maternity shoot. The model happened to know her well.
Kirsten Zarkavich worked for a large company in L.A. Laney had done photos with her as the model a couple times, but this was the first session she was doing with Kirsten pregnant. She was modelling for a line of maternity wear, and Laney would be the first to admit that Kirsten was rocking it. She made Laney’s job exceptionally easy. Even eight or so months pregnant, Kirsten was very nimble. She’d been modelling for years, so she knew her body and how to pose and work the camera.