She let Laney up, unlocked the door, and went and sat on the couch.
Laney expected Morgun to be at the door as she usually was, smiling, offering tea or coffee or water or something. Her guard was up, Morgun could see that, but she couldn’t pretend there was nothing wrong.
Laney sat down on the other end of the couch, but it was mechanical. Morgun knew she had to say something. Laney wasn’t just going to come out and bring it up. She didn’t know that Morgun had overheard her. It was nearly impossible to speak past the giant clump in her throat, her nerves raw and strangling her, but somehow, she started.
“I heard everything today. At the office. I was standing right outside the lunchroom, trying to get some coffee before I met with a client. I heard you telling other people that we weren’t seeing each other. That we weren’t anything. That I would just be a complication and you were more than happy being single. If that’s how you think of us, then we obviously need to have a conversation. I can’t believe you’d say those things after we…shared so much. Our thoughts. Our plans. Personal things. We shared our bodies. How can that not mean anything to you? How can you deny everything with conviction like that? Don’t you think that’s not only insanely hurtful, but also just…wrong?”
Laney maintained eye contact. Her right hand twitched, fingers vibrating, but that was the only thing that gave her outward composure away. “I’m sorry,” she said, and her voice trembled just like her fingers. “I didn’t mean… I just got scared.”
“You got scared? Because admitting that you’re actually with me is so scary?” Morgun snapped sarcastically. “Unless you’re ashamed of me. Unless I really am supposed to be a secret. But you told me that wasn’t the case that day when you were on the phone with your mom.”
“I…”
“You what? Because that sounds like a statement that’s just going to be more of the thick-skinned bullshit. Am I right? You were going to say something along those lines. That you’re just protecting yourself and by protecting yourself you’re also protecting us. Come on. I’m not going to sit here and listen to that.”
“You’re mad right now. I don’t think it matters what I was going to say, it’s going to get turned around on me,” Laney said softly, but there was no mistaking the edge to her voice.
“No! You don’t have a right to put this on me. I’m not so angry that I won’t hear you out.”
Morgun forced herself to calm down. Forced air into her lungs. She didn’t want Laney to be right about her not being willing to listen. She did the elementary school thing for dealing with anger and silently counted to ten while breathing deeply. It helped. Slightly. She waited for Laney to say something, but when she just stood there, sawing on her bottom lip with her teeth, it was obvious that Morgun had been correct about how Laney was going to try to defend herself and justify what she’d done.
“I just can’t believe you could be so calm and lie like that. Didn’t you think once that you’d hurt me, even if I never found out?”
“Yes!” Laney’s hands clenched at her pants reflexively. “I-I did think about that. I did. I just, I don’t know. I couldn’t get the words out. Sometimes, yes, it’s easier to lie. Sometimes it really is to protect yourself and the person you care about.”
“I don’t think that’s true. Not in this case, at any rate. I work there, Laney. I don’t think I need protecting from my own co-workers. They know you’re a lesbian. They know I’m a lesbian. So, I’m not sure what I’d need protecting from. Because if you said we were seeing each other, what would anyone say? As far as I know, work relationships aren’t off limits. I read through the employee handbook. There was nothing in there about that, and they had just about every policy under the sun covered off. So don’t talk to me about thick skins and protecting me. You were protecting yourself because you’re selfish and you’re scared.”
“Of course, I’m scared! Not of them, but of this! Of us! Of this going to shit, like right now. I’m scared that if I talk about it, I will jinx it and it will vanish. I’m scared that if I admit that we’re going out, even to myself, that it’s going to disappear. That I’ll ruin it. That something will happen, and I won’t have you anymore. I’m scared that someone will do something to try to sabotage it.”
“You’re doing a pretty good job of that by yourself.”
“Morgun! I really am afraid of losing you.”
“That’s not a good enough reason not to admit that we’re dating. There. I said it. Did we magically go up in flames and smoke? No? Hmm. Funny how that works. The day in the car, you basically admitted we were something.”
“You seemed fine with not putting a label on it.”
“I was trying to give you time! I didn’t want to rush you! I didn’t want to put pressure on you, because that would probably make you run. I didn’t want to ruin things either, so I tried to give you time. I tried to respect your space and that you’re a professional with a busy work schedule. I tried not to be demanding or clingy. I tried to support you. I didn’t use labels, but I thought that one day soon, we’d be able to say the word dating. Together. Something like that. I didn’t think you’d straight up deny me to a group of people and laugh about it like I’m nothing.”
Laney went totally pale. Morgun had never seen her look that way, like she was sick. “You know you’re not nothing!”
“Oh, I know!” Morgun seethed. “I know I’m not nothing. I’m just not sure I know that when it comes to how you think of me. I would never, ever deny you in front of a bunch of people, let alone people that I knew! I couldn’t. I can’t understand how you would do it and there’s nothing you can say or do that will justify that to me. I think your fears about us saying that we’re dating are incredibly childish and immature. You’re scared because you finally found something that challenges how you think and how you hold yourself apart from the rest of the world. You don’t like it, so you’re trying to ruin it and say that it wasn’t your fault.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do,” Laney said sharply, but there was sadness in her tone too. Defeat. Like she was already admitting that Morgun was right about that.
That stung worse than anything so far.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this right now,” Laney tried again.
“When should we?” Morgun asked, forcing herself to calm down. She’d wanted to talk rationally and figure things out, not end up in a fight that solved nothing and caused bad feelings. “When should we talk about it? In a week? A month? A year? Never? When do you think you’ll be ready?” She wasn’t sarcastic. She was asking much more gently now, without anger.
“I-I don’t know.”
Morgun looked up, back at Laney. “If you don’t know, then
maybe you just aren’t ready. I didn’t go into this with any expectations, but I guess that’s how I’m feeling now. I feel like, at minimum, you should admit that we’re dating and make a commitment to that, since we have been, whether we were calling it dating or not. If you’re not willing to do that, or you’re just not able to do that, then I think we need to stop.”
“No, Morgun…”