Paige
“Paige, are you eating?” Mom asks.
She looks so frail. It’s me who should ask her if she’s eating.
I promised I’d come by to visit today in between classes. Thank God I did.
There was no food in the house, and the place needed to be cleaned.
I just got back from the supermarket with groceries, and now I’m cleaning the kitchen.
“Mom, look at me. I could use a day off food.” I chuckle.
She shakes her head at me and comes closer to give me a hug. I stop wiping down the countertop and hug her back.
“Please don’t do that. Please don’t let me worry about you not eating,” she begs and releases me.
I can’t get over how frail she looks. She said last week that the new medication makes her lose her appetite sometimes and gives everything a weird taste.
“I’m eating, Mom. I was joking. I eat just fine.”
She sits on the stool in front of me and gives me a long stare. When she reaches forward to take a lock of my hair, I know she’s about to tell me something I won’t like. Something like weeks ago, when she told me to let her die.
I couldn’t possibly begin to explain to anyone how I felt as she said that. It was like I died too and reminded me of that soulless feeling I had when I heard Dad was killed.
The doctors had given us the rundown of the terrible turn Mom’s situation had taken. The second they spoke about money and how much everything was going to cost it was like she just gave up. That was when I knew I had to do everything and anything to save her. I couldn’t allow her to die if I could do something to help prevent that from happening.
“My sweet girl, it’s all too much. Look at you here tending to me in the middle of the day when you should be studying.”
“Mom, you knew I was coming by. I said I was.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t make it okay. Paige, I want you to get your dream of being a successful lawyer. You should be focusing on your studies.”
I hate when she starts talking like this. It makes it harder to focus. “I’m studying just fine.”
“There’s no way you can tell me that when you’re having to work to save money for my surgery.” She shakes her head.
“I’m going to be okay. It’s such a great opportunity.” I feel terrible for lying to her. I feel so, so bad, and when her eyes well like that with a mixture of pride and worry, I feel worse, but I continue with the lie because I have to. “I’m lucky they picked me. I’m having the advantage of working with top lawyers at the time when I need them the most.”
I told Mom I got put on a special work experience project at a top firm associated with the university who might hire me after. I don’t know how I came up with such a good lie, but I did, and Megan helped me to concoct it. The worst part of the lie was the explanation of the money. I told her it was part of the project and that I’d get fifty grand at the end of January if I made it through the trial period and got selected to continue the project during grad school.
It was so cleverly done and conspired in a way that she wouldn’t question it. I feel, though, that when she looks at me, she knows it’s a lie. It would kill her to know what I’m doing. It would kill my poor father all over again if he knew too. I’m sure he’s turning in his grave.
“It just sounds like a lot. I wanted you to be able to focus on your studies. You got good grades. You’ll get in anywhere. I know you’d see my point if we didn’t have my sickness hanging over our heads.”
“I’m not thinking like that. It’s an opportunity. There were so many other people they could have chosen, but they chose me.”
Yes, there were a few other girls auditioning for the waitress position at the club. I was told last night that me and three other girls were the only ones to make the mark. From what I saw last night, it looked to me like all you needed was a big pair of tits to make the mark. That’s all.
Mom pulls in a breath and takes hold of my shoulders. “Sweetie, fifty thousand dollars… that’s a hell of a lot of money. These people aren’t making you do things you don’t want to do, are they?”
I laugh to mask how I feel inside. “No, well, just the hours and I have to help out with some criminal law case work. It’s the kind of thing where I might see things that aren’t for the faint hearted.” Sweat beads on my upper lip and anxiety clenches at my soul.
Please let her believe me. Please God, let her drop the questions.I hate lying and I can’t stand to do it when I’m so torn inside. Mostly, I just want to curl up in her arms and for her to stroke my head and soothe away all my fears the way she used to when I was a little girl.
I can’t do that, however, because it’s my turn to take care of her.
Although she returns the smile there’s a wealth of worry in the depths of her eyes. “Paige, if things get bad, I want you to stop. You already took time off for me. I want you to stop, and you allow me to be your mother and you listen to me.”