He handed it back to me and briefly squeezed my hands. The gesture was empty of any flirtation, just friendly concern. “It’s on me,” he gave me a kind smile as he left.
The caring in his voice and eyes nearly broke me. It’s silly to care what others think, right? But what about what you think? What about gossip that is so pervasive it messes with your head and the way you see yourself? I did nothing but fake an illness to escape Tyler, and yet, I felt wrong and dirty. Sadar made me feel like maybe I was worthy of kindness.
The next morning, I talked to Sandy, the office administrator. I waited weeks for this to die out, for them to get bored, or realize it was a lie. It was impossible for me to continue this way. “Why did you need to speak with me, Claire?” She smiled at me warmly from the opposite side of her desk.
It gave me a touch of courage, and I dragged in a huge breath. “I’m being bullied by my coworkers,” her eyes trained on me, waiting for me to continue. “Well, it’s like this. I went for one meal with Tyler. Nothing at all happened between us. However, he is spreading some pretty awful rumors about me. People are staring at me, talking behind my back, calling me a slut under their breath. I can’t work this way.”
She gave me a very serious look as she drummed her fingers against her desk. “Were you aware that there is a non-fraternization policy in effect?”
“I was…” my voice trailed off.
“Then I’m not sure what you expected to happen. I would be within my rights to fire you, but you’re a hard worker and I don’t want to do that.”
“Wait, what?” I spluttered, unable to believe my ears. Was she really suggesting this was my fault? I used all my self-control to close my hanging mouth.
She tapped her fingers harder on the desk. “I’m sorry, Claire, but I’m afraid there’s not much I can do. Has anyone said anything to your face or prevented you from using facilities necessary to do your job? Has anybody harassed, assaulted, or touched you in a way you didn’t consent to?”
“Well, no…” she cut me off.
“Tyler is a senior staff member, and I can’t control what people talk about. I really am sorry you’re having a hard time. Come back if anything I mentioned starts happening.” She pushed her glasses up her nose and started rifling through the papers on her desk.
“But...”
“We’re done here, Claire. You can go.” I nodded my head and walked out without another word. People didn’t even bother to pretend they weren’t watching me as I went back to my desk. I kept my gaze focused on the floor, but I saw plenty of smiles as they took in my hot red face and the tears filling my eyes.
That night I went through my closet, pulling out anything that once made me feel desirable. I put them all in a giant plastic tub, slammed the lid and sent them to the back of the closet, where they couldn’t taunt me. The remaining clothes were old, drab, comfortable, and bordering on inappropriate for work. I was toeing the line between business casual and casual a little too closely. All I wanted was to fade quietly into the background.
Who would they call a slut if they couldn’t see me? All the while, Tyler went about his life, the hero amongst the guys. He was the one who banged the new girl. He was such a gentleman to the women. I begged him to split me in two on my couch before we shared a drink, and he insisted on taking me to a nice dinner first. He had the gall to smile and wave at me each day. My blood boiled at the injustice of it all.
I called in sick at least once, often twice a week, as July faded into August. One morning, I sat on the benches set between the library and City Hall, torn in two by the place I couldn’t go because of protocol, and the place I wouldn’t go for fear of seeinghim, the only man I wanted.
The expressions I had seen artfully painted on his face played through my mind, shocked, annoyed, amused, and all the other ways he gifted me with his beauty. The mixture of desire and pain was so strong and strange I didn’t have words to describe it.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket, pressing one of the few contacts I had, though I rarely used it. It rang for so long, I thought she would ignore it.
“Hello,” my mother’s groggy voice chilled me.
“Hi, mom,” I whispered out of habit. It was too easy for her to misconstrue my tone.
“What’s wrong now?” There was no motherly concern, only irritation that I was bothering her.
“Mom, do you remember what I wanted to be when I was a kid?” I had other things I wanted to say, but I started off small to gauge her reaction.
She scoffed like she couldn’t understand why anyone would want to know, ”All you ever did was read, Claire. You were a weird kid. I don’t know what you want from me.” She was right. Reading was all I ever wanted to do.
“Mom… How have you been? Have you seen your doctor recently?” I twisted my fingers through my hair, nervous to hear her answer.
“Don’t pretend you care.” She hung up the phone.
“Love you too,” I told the dead receiver. I wondered if I should go over there and make sure she was taking care of herself.No, she doesn’t want my help.
The next morning, I finally had enough. I knew it before I even woke up. The tenor of my dreams was hopeful instead of defeated. There was fire inside of me, and a desperate—needy, even—hope. I got ready for work the way I did after the night of my naughty email exchange.
I pulled the tub out from the back of my closet and wore the same outfit. Things were coming full circle for me. I did my hair and makeup a little nicer than necessary; I looked sexy and professional, and from the light in my eyes, ready to fuck shit up.
When I walked in, everyone stared at me. That was a usual occurrence. Instead of it hurting me, I accepted it. This time, I wanted an audience. I looked around, wondering if everyone in the world had abandoned tact where it concerned me. I shrugged my shoulders because I would be rid of them soon enough. The buzz of something juicy to gossip about was thick in the air.
Tyler stood in the corner chatting with a group of guys. He didn’t see me as he regaled them, clearly in his element. “... plain horny, that girl, a genuine freak. I bet she’d let you all do her at once, and she’s flexible enough to fit you too.” He waved his arms to demonstrate the angles they could bend me into.