"You have your students.”
"It's not the same.I need a baby of my own.”
"You need?”
I thought for a moment.It was more than want.I nodded and said, “Yes.I need a baby.”
That was the first time we went to bed angry.It wasn’t the last.
We shared apologies in the morning, but something had shifted between us, and we both knew it.When I went to kiss him goodbye, he turned away.I don’t even think he realized it.
I couldn’t turn off how I felt, and despite my efforts, I couldn’t change the way he felt.We fought more until after a while, almost every conversation led to an argument.Even the intimacy between us, something that came so easily before, was strained until that, too, stopped.Our marriage was falling apart.It only took six months of arguments to shatter what we’d built together.It became clear to both of us that unless one of us changed our mind, it wasn’t going to work.I moved in with Uncle Ray.That was six months ago.
My marriage had failed.
"Earth to Lexi.”Nicole waved a napkin in front of my face, bringing me back to our conversation.“I was asking you if you regret it.Splitting with Andrew?”
I took a sip of water, and spun the straw in my fingers.I remembered the way he kissed me and held me in his arms like I was the most precious person in the world.How we'd take long walks through the park and tell each other about our days.How we laughed and teased each other in the kitchen when we made dinner together.Then I thought about holding a baby in my arms, and that child growing up to call me Mommy.
I shook my head.“No,” I said.“I don't regret it.”
“But you miss him,” Nicole stated.
“I miss what we had together.But I can’t hold on to something that isn’t there anymore.I don’t need a therapist to tell me that.”I forced a small smile.
“I’m sorry, Lex,” she said.“I really am.Andrew’s a good guy and I know how important marriage is to you.But you’re right.You can’t force a piece that won’t fit in the puzzle.”
“You know what?I’m okay with things.More okay than I thought I’d be.It’s not like I’m sitting around crying, right?”
“Right.'Cause you’re a toughie,” Nicole said.“Just so you know, if you want to cry, that’s okay.”
I pushed my mostly uneaten sandwich away.I wasn’t hungry anymore.We sat in silence while I watched Nicole pick at her salad.
"So,” she said after a few moments, her counselor persona abandoned.“The way I look at it, you’re a free agent and maybe a little Las Vegas fling is just what you need to get a fresh start.”
I laughed at her shift.Nicole could always be counted on to lighten the mood.“Right, Nic.I'm not really the fling type.”
"Oh, yes.I always forget that your sexual partners can be counted on one hand.”She held up three fingers and wiggled them at me before reaching for my sandwich.“Seriously, Lex.You're way too young and gorgeous to miss out on so much fun.And maybe that’s just what you need right now.”She picked out the turkey and tossed the bread aside.
"Whatever.And I could turn this around.You're getting kind of old now for the single life, aren't you?”
“Twenty-eight is hardly old.When I meet the right guy, I'll know.He just hasn't come along yet.Besides, we're talking about you and that yummy Leo.”She popped the rest of the turkey in her mouth.
“We were talking about Leo?”
“Oh yes.And how a dirty little fling with him is just what you need.”
“Well, even if I wanted to, and I'm not saying I do, but even if I did, it’s not like I’ll ever see him again.Vegas is a big place.”
“Not that big, Lexi,” Nicole said with a grin on her face.“Not that big.”