ChapterSeventeen
Killian
Once again, the breeze slid through my hair and I rolled my shoulders back, kneeling down in front of the two gravestones that spoke to me in whispers and memories.
“I’ve come out here more often recently. I don’t know if it’s to say goodbye or just to tell you about my day. I like the drive, so does Cora.” I looked over at Cora, who I had decided after a long moment to bring with me. She lay near Cassidy’s grave, her head on her paw as she stared off into the distance.
My heart clutched, and I had to wonder if maybe she knew. What was I saying? Of course, Cora knew. That dog knew me better than anyone, maybe even better than Archer.
“Cora’s here. As you know. I’ve been taking good care of her, Cassidy. You always told me that I would want a dog and that I’d be the best doggy dad, just like I was the best little-girl dad. And I think I’m doing okay.” I swallowed the hard knot of emotion as Cora looked up at me, ears perked. “We’re doing okay, right, girl?”
I let out a breath, steeling myself.
“I’m doing okay. Promise.” I looked at Cora, who seemed to almost nod before putting her head back down on her paw.
I shook my head, my lips twitching into a smile. I was doing that more often than not these days. I wasn’t growling as much. I wasn’t hiding in my own home. No, I was being me. All because somebody had jumped into my life, fallen right on top of me, and changed everything.
“You would really like him, girls. I think next time I come out here, I’ll bring him with me.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I want to believe that you guys would be okay with that. That you would understand. And I think you would. Because you’re my family. And I love you just as much now as I did before. I will never understand the whys of it. But I understand that you are gone and that I’m still here. That I don’t get to go away and hide from who I was. So, I’m trying my best. And I think Archer’s helping.” I cleared my throat. “No, Iknowhe’s helping. I love you guys. So much. I’m going to do my best to earn his faith in me. And your own.” I looked down at my hands and then up at the girls who were no longer here but still a huge part of my life.
“I love him.” I hadn’t meant to say the words out loud, but now that they were there, I knew they were true.
“I love him so much. And I didn’t mean to fall for him. I didn’t mean to fall for anyone. I thought you were my forever, Danielle. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you, and the world didn’t see fit to allow that to happen. And so I hid. I fought. I did everything I could not to let it happen.”
I wiped away a tear.
“Now I have to move on. Not without you, because you’ll always be here. Part of this. But Archer knows about you. Knows I’m still in pain. But that I’m healing. And he’s helping. So, I don’t know if I can ask you for permission because I don’t know if it works like that. But I hope you could be happy for me. I just wish that you were here, girls. I love you so fucking much. I probably shouldn’t curse, especially around Cassidy, but you’ll have to forgive me, babe.”
“There’s a lot of things that you need forgiveness for,” Branson growled out from behind me and I turned, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end at the sound of my former father-in-law’s voice.
He stood there in his crisp jeans, cowboy boots, and his Stetson. He’d let his white handlebar mustache grow out a bit, looking far more shaggy than I had ever seen it. His skin was tan from all the years out in the sun on the ranch, and I didn’t think he looked happy. But then again, he never had. Even when he’d had his family still around him.
Danielle’s mother had died right after Cassidy had been born, and after losing the girls, it was just Branson and Trevor, Danielle’s brother.
I didn’t see Trevor anymore, and that was on him, not me. Even in my angriest, my most self-destructive, I had tried. For them. I hadn’t been enough.
So, Trevor stayed away, and Branson was angry. Every time I came out here, Branson seemed to show up.
And I wasn’t sure what to do about that.
“Cora and I are just here to pay our respects.”
“Talking about having sex with another man? Loving someone else? No, there’s no respect here. You’re tarnishing her name with just being here.”
“Respectfully, we don’t need to do this. You and I have never seen eye to eye. Let’s not have this fight here.”
“I don’t care anymore. Don’t fucking care about you.”
“Okay then.” I looked at Cora, “Let’s go, pup.” She stood, pressed to my side, and glared at the other man. She didn’t growl or bark, but I could feel the tension radiating off her.
“You best keep her away from me. Not in the mood for some mutt.”
Cora was a purebred Lab, but that wasn’t what mattered. Cora was a connection to my daughter and wife, connection to Branson, and the man had never seen it. He wanted nothing to do with what he had lost, but still came out to this gravesite. Still clutched dying daisies in his hand.
Because he was grieving too, and even though he hated me, I lived with it.
Because he was hurting.
And I was just learning to heal.