ChapterFifteen
Killian
It had been a few weeks since the last issue on the property. My head ached, but not about that. It was about the guilt that had slowly wrapped itself around me.
Because, while the authorities couldn’t figure out what was going on with the vandalism on my place, I had to focus on something else. Namely, wondering if I was doing the right thing.
I knelt down in the smooth grass, grateful to the caretakers for dealing with any weeds. Wildflowers bloomed over the mounds in front of me, and I slid my hands over them, careful not to pluck them, to let them live free and wild.
“Danielle, Cassidy. I know it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been here, but I think about you every day. I know you know that. I know you can hear it in my voice, and I feel you with me as I work around the house that should have been ours.” I looked at Danielle’s gravestone, then turned to my daughter’s. It was smaller, the date so short that I could barely hold in the rage.
Six years on this earth.
It wasn’t fair that Cassidy was gone, that the cold and ice had taken her from me before she had a chance to live. She hadn’t learned who she was, hadn’t found her happiness. I hoped that whatever I had done for her had given her some joy. That Cora and her little puppy barks had given her a life that was worth living.
But fate had decided to end my daughter’s life far too soon, and the guilt that riddled me for being the one left behind wasn’t going to go away.
Sometimes I could breathe through the ebb and flow of day-to-day monotony, and sometimes I could barely stand up straight.
I looked at Danielle’s stone and swallowed hard. “Hey, baby. I’m trying. You always told me to try, to smile more, to be in the moment. I remember that. Sometimes I was so focused on work and the projects that I wasn’t the man you needed me to be. But I’m trying. I always will be. Archer’s changing things. It feels weird to say his name around you, but you know him. You see him. I feel you around when he’s there. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be feeling this way. Or if I’m making a mistake. I just hope that I’m not moving too quickly.” The wind slid through the long grass around the cemetery and I looked up at the sky, closing my eyes as I tried to suck in deep breaths.
“I miss you.”
I lowered my head, opened my eyes, and stared at the stones that marked a place of life and death. Danielle and Cassidy were no longer here. I knew that. Intellectually and spiritually, I knew that. They were gone, and any presence that I felt around me were their memories. I didn’t want them to still be here. I wanted them to be free. To be on that other plane of existence and to be doing what they needed to in order to find peace.
I was just the one left behind. And it had taken me three years to come to terms with the fact that maybe being left behind didn’t mean fading along the way.
It had taken seeing Archer. It had taken calling my sister back. It had taken Cora pushing me. It had taken Penny smiling at me and guiding me on a path I wasn’t ready for.
It had taken all of them, and now it would have to be up to me.
“I love you both. I will until the end of my days. I’m not okay. But I’m finding my way. I think you both would like Archer.” I looked at Cassidy’s grave and smiled softly. “He would have loved you. You would have danced and played on the playground. He can do a back handspring. He’s pretty spry. I never could do that. But you were learning your walkover, and he could have helped you. Of course, in another lifetime, we never would have met, but I like to think that you would have loved him, Cassidy.” I let out a shaky breath and wiped the tears from my face.
“I think you would have loved him, too, Danielle.” I was falling in love with him. But I didn’t say that out loud. I couldn’t. Not yet. Nobody was ready for that. “He’s trying so hard to find out who he is. He works longer hours than I do sometimes. I think he doesn’t even realize that he’s trying to find his place within his family even though they want him to just be who he is. Nobody’s pushing him in a corner; he’s doing it to himself. He could be so many things, and they’re allowing it because they love him. I just hope he realizes it.”
I let out a breath. “Somebody’s hurting the house that I wanted to build for us. I don’t know who it is or what they want, but they’re hurting it. And I feel like they’re hurting us in the process. I don’t know what to do about it, other than try to catch them. But they evaded the security camera I put up, so I don’t know if it’s the same person or if we just have a string of bad luck. I want to protect the home that I was building for you both. Even though neither of you will be there.”
I let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. But I’m trying.” A warm breeze brushed my face, as if someone was cupping my cheek, and I swallowed hard. “I’m trying for you. And for Cassidy. And Cora. And Ann. And Penny. And Archer.” I sucked in a breath. “And for me. I’m trying. I promise.”
I stayed for a few more minutes before I stood up and made my way to my truck. Another truck pulled in behind me, and Branson got out.
My former father-in-law glared at me from underneath the rim of his cowboy hat, the black material dull in the bright lights.
“You got a lot of nerve showing up here,” Branson snarled.
“Have a good day, Branson.”
“Can’t do that now, can I?” Branson snapped before shouldering past me. “You best keep away. We don’t want your kind here.”
I barely held back the roll of my eyes at Branson’s words. My father-in-law was a fucking asshole and always had been. We were on public property. This wasn’t their land. I had let my girls be buried in Wyoming near her family, but they were my family too. So I hadn’t allowed them to be buried on the family property. Danielle hadn’t wanted that, so I had respected her wishes. And that meant I could visit my wife and daughter. Because Branson would never allow that if they were buried on family land.
Her family had never liked me, but it had gotten worse, because they blamed me for her death.
In the end, though, nothing they could do could hurt me worse than I already was. Because I still blamed myself every day for what happened. Because I lived, and they didn’t.
I made my way back down to Boulder, pissed off at myself. Because this feeling was just reminding me what I wasn’t ready for. To fucking live.
I pulled into the driveway and didn’t see Archer’s truck, but I did see his team. They must be working on the upgrades to the new house today, and Archer was probably on a job down in Fort Collins, where he lived and needed to be.