My head hurt.
My neck hurt.
My face hurt.
“Come on,” Hadley urged, coming around the bed and sitting at the edge. She brushed a few stray strands back from my face, smiling softly. “Skins said that bandage on your neck was waterproof, and Chelsea said that we can use the bath they have in hers and Op’s room to wash some of this blood out of your hair.”
The bump on my head had hurt like hell and made me a little woozy, but luckily it only left a bump and hadn’t split open. All the blood in my hair had come from the cut on my neck. It was hard and gross, and I frantically wanted it gone.
“Okay,” I agreed, letting her pull back the blankets and help me turn my body and get to my feet.
I felt helpless, and I didn’t like it.
Not one bit.
We shuffled out of Ham’s room and down the hall to Chelsea and Op’s more substantial bedroom. They’d had their bathroom altered, so there was room for the twins without feeling too crazy and had also added a bath to make bathing them easier as well.
Chelsea looked up from the bed when we entered, quickly placing a bookmark in whatever she was reading and jumping up. The twins were both in bouncers on the floor, totally engrossed in the cartoon which was playing on the television above them. “Hey, baby girl,” Chelsea cooed softly like I was a toddler who’s just scraped my knee. These women weren’t all that much older than me, but they were incredibly motherly, which made me feel a little better especially knowing I wouldn’t be able to see my mom for at least a few days until the bruising on my face went down enough to hide with makeup. And I had to come up with a good enough fucking excuse for the scar that now decorated my neck.
“I ran the bath. You can get in, wash your hair, relax a little, and we will sit just outside,” Chelsea explained, opening the door to the small but warm bathroom.
I nodded, excited at the prospect of being able to wash away the scum of the day. The water burned my skin, but I didn’t realize until that moment how much I needed that. I needed it to scold me and feel like it was killing his touch which I could still feel on my skin. Dipping my hair into the water, the clear liquid was instantly tinted pink. It urged me on forcing me to go almost strand by strand through my hair meticulously cleaning the feeling of fear.
That’s what it was.
I’d never had to deal with this before.
It was hard to admit to myself I was weak, and that maybe I wasn’t made for this like the other women were. I’d always been pretty sheltered and protected behind a force of men, who all looked at me like I was their niece. This time I’d been thrown into the deep end.
I was a part of this—a big part of this.
It wasn’t just a threat anymore, this was action. Action that resulted in amateur cosmetic surgery on my neck and a partial concussion.
Things had changed today—Ham had finally stood up and told them I was his, much to my Uncle’s horror. It was a big step, and I wasn’t just a family member on the sidelines anymore.
I was an Old Lady, and that petrified and excited me both at the same time.
“How you doing, baby girl?” Hadley asked, poking her head through the doorway.
I looked up at her not realizing just how emotional I’d become in those few moments, and I sniffled loudly, the awkward sound followed by a laugh. “I’m a mess.” I giggled trying to wipe away my tears unsuccessfully with wet hands. She rushed inside with a knowing smile on her face, leaving the door into the room open. Rose and Skylar had both joined the pity party I was throwing which seemed to make this all so much more amusing. These amazing women, powerful and beautiful women, who you would never catch bawling their eyes out, in a bathtub.
“Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours,” Hadley asked, sitting at the side of the tub and pulling a couple of strands of hair into her hands slowly separating them and washing the darkened blood away.
“I’m not strong like you, Hadley,” I whispered, emotion choking me. I licked my lips, tasting my tears and not the bath water. “How the hell do you handle these kinds of things?”
“Exactly how you are right now.” Chelsea chuckled, coming to stand in the doorway. “We close the door. We get in the bath, and we cry. We get angry, and we wonder why we do this time after time after time. And then we get out, we dry ourselves off, and we go to our men. We stand beside them, and we do it all over again.”
I stared at her, wondering if she was being honest. “What?”
It was hard for me to believe someone like Chelsea—the club’s first lady—had moments where she broke down and asked herself why.
Hadley rolled her eyes, and she wasn’t the only one. Skylar and Rose did, too.
“What she’s trying to say is… love knows no bounds here. We all walked into this knowing full well there would be times where shit was going to hit the fan, and we would have not to just fight to protect ourselves and possibly our children, but we would have to do it while completely trusting and supporting our men.”
I drew my knees to my chest, hugging them tightly. “I’m scared.” It took everything in me to admit those two words. I was absolutely terrified, and I fucking hated it. I hated that I couldn’t just bounce back with a vengeance in my heart, ready to take this guy on and take him down. I hated that I wasn’t angrier, that I didn’t fight back harder, and that I was letting this hurt me so badly I was second guessing myself.
“Here’s where you make your decision,” Hadley continued. “Loving your man is loving the club and everything that the club stands for. Loving your man means knowing there’s going to be times when he will be put in dangerous situations, but knowing he’s doing it for our family.”