27
A Change of Perspective
Charlotte
I wake up acutely aware that it’s Christmas Eve, even though I’ve been desperately trying to ignore the holidays. I drag myself out of bed, dealing with toothbrushing and face-washing, and then make my way to the kitchen for coffee. Even after a week, there’s still a part of me that expects to see Oliver in the kitchen whipping up one of his breakfasts. And when I realize that he’s not here, disappointment and grief follow. And after that, anger for making me feel so sad. It’s a cycle I’ve been going through every day since the day he left.
Knowing about the picture of us that Oliver received from his ex helps me understand why he did what he did, but it doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t stay, even though I told him I’d stand by him. Granted, he may feel the need to protect me, but at the same time if he trusted me, if he loved me, he would have at least talked to me. Instead, he left and there hasn’t been a word from him since. He couldn’t even be bothered to send the check himself. He had Theo do that.
Theo and Madeline had some nerve to come over here and make it seem like it was on me whether or not Oliver and I had a chance. There is a lot that I’m willing to do to save a relationship, but running after someone who left me, isn’t one. I have had enough humiliation after being dumped twice in one year. I’m not going to put myself through it again.
I pour myself a cup of coffee and take it to the window seat, and check the messages on my phone. So far, my clients must be doing all right, as there haven't been any messages on my message service from them. With that task completed, I look out the window. The sky is clear but snow fell overnight so it will truly be a white Christmas. I think about how Oliver had taken a walk, saying he wanted to go out and experience November when it was cold because it wasn’t like that in California. I wonder what he would think about the snow. I know it snows in places in California, but I don’t know how often, if ever, he’s been to the snowy parts.
Like every day, when Oliver seeps into my mind, I brush it off and refocus on my plans for the day. The end of the month is coming soon, and now that I don’t have a roommate anymore, I need to relook at my finances. I glance over at the coffee table where Oliver’s second check still sits. I’m loath to take anything from him, and at the same time, I know I need some of that money to get me through January and maybe February or however long it takes me to either find another roommate or sell the condo.
I start to call the Realtor to see if perhaps the market has changed yet, but then remember that it’s Christmas Eve and she’s probably with her family. For a moment, I wonder if there really exists a lonely-hearts club and where they meet for holidays when they have no one else to be with. Then I chastise myself for acting so pathetic.
I putz around, taking my time to shower and dress and straighten up the place. I consider pulling out some of my Christmas items as I decide I don’t want Oliver to keep me in a funk. I like Christmas, and there’s no reason why I can’t enjoy the beautiful colors and sights and sounds on my own. So, I pull out a box of Garland and a little miniature town. I turn on Christmas music and begin to decorate my condo.
I just turned on the lights of the miniature town, when there’s a knock on my door. I look through the peephole to find Theo and Madeline again. I stall for a moment because I really haven’t recovered from the last time they were here. But I don’t want to be rude so I open the door.
“Merry Christmas Eve,” Madeline says with a smile.
“Merry Christmas,” I say, trying to smile back, but I don’t think I’m very successful at it.
“We just wanted to stop by and see if you might have changed your mind about coming up to Woodstock with us,” Theo says.
I shake my head and this time I don’t hold my annoyance back. “Look, I don’t know what this is all about, if maybe you have some scheme where I go to Woodstock and maybe Oliver’s there, and like one of your movies, there’s this great reunion-”
“Oliver won’t be there.” Theo’s words are like a punch to the gut, which tells me that a part of me was hoping for some sort of movie-like fairytale ending. “I wish I’d thought of that though.”
“He knows where I am if he wants to see me. Otherwise, I hope you all have a lovely trip to Woodstock and a very Merry Christmas.”
Madeline looks as if she’s about to say something, but then her mouth snaps shut and her expression turns sad. “Merry Christmas, Charlotte,” she says ultimately.
They start to turn away and I’m feeling relieved, but then Theo stops and turns around, his gaze intent on me. “Dammit Charlotte, please, please reach out to him. I know he fucked up. He knows he fucked up and that’s why he’s not contacting you. He doesn’t feel like he has the right to. And I think he scared shitless of you turning him down.”
I hate again that I’m being made the bad guy in this scenario. “Well then, I guess he knows what it feels like to be rejected and humiliated.”
Madeline puts her hand on Theo’s arm and pulls him back slightly, stepping in front of him. “I know how you feel, Charlotte.”
I arch my brow, skeptical of her comment.
“It wasn’t that long ago I was in your position. I was broken-hearted and feeling so humiliated at falling for a man who I thought was only using me.”
“I wasn’t,” Theo interjects.
Madeline has a sweet smile for him. Then she turns her attention back to me. “It was a misunderstanding, but the point is that we both retreated to our corners. But then Theo showed up and here we are now.”
“It sounds like the moral of the story is that Oliver needs to reach out tome,” I say, reminding them again that I did not put this all in motion.
“Well, actually no, because I was the one who left Theo. But pointing fingers and placing blame is not going to get you and Oliver what you want. I don’t know how things will work out between you two, but I do know that if you don’t try, at some point, someday down the line, you’ll wonder what if. What if you had reached out to him. What if you had been able to forgive him. What if you both had been able to love each other.”
I was immune to everything she was saying until she reached the part about what if. What if we could both love each other.
Many people think that a therapist’s job is to tell people what to do to fix their lives. In reality, a therapist’s job is to help people develop insight into their emotions and triggers that might set them down a path counter to their goals, and ultimately to help them find solutions so that they can live healthy, productive lives. For example, I didn’t tell Rachel’s mom to shape up and do better. I didn’t tell her to build the studio in her attic to support her daughter’s art. Instead, through questions, I helped her mother realize on her own where she had been falling short, and I hoped that she would see a new path toward a better understanding of Rachel, and be proud of the daughter she had.
Turning that all on myself, I know that deep inside I want exactly what Theo and Madeline have. I know that for a short time, I had it with Oliver. If what Theo and Madeline are saying is true, then it is within my reach to see if it can happen. The desperate look in Theo’s eyes suggests he’s hurting for Oliver because he believes Oliver is hurting.