Inside I wince because I don’t have my own example of a centering symbol. I have my own tricks to deal with chaos when I feel out of control. But, of course, the incident at the elevator proved that my tricks don’t always work, so maybe I need to find some sort of symbol or word to help me center myself.
Still, sharing personal insights is something I generally don’t do too much because I want my clients to focus on their needs and not copy something from me. “We all have ways of finding our center, Rachel, and this one could work for you. There is no right or wrong answer. Just do whatever feels natural to you.”
Rachel is my last client of the day, so after I send her on her way, I head home, hoping I don’t run into Dr. Wolfe. I’m not ready to eat crow yet.
When I get to the elevator and step in, Paige comes running behind me. “Whew! I made it.”
I press the button for my floor and then for hers. “Tough day?” I ask.
“Just busy as usual. I’m glad I ran into you. I’m having a Halloween party. You have to come. It’ll be a great way to forget Stephen.”
I’m not in a party mood. But I recognize that by saying no, I’m giving in to the funk that Stephen created when he left. Pre-Stephen, I would eagerly attend the party. Even with him, I would’ve gone to the party. Instead, I need to follow my own advice and re-engage with life.
“Is there a theme to this party?” I ask.
“Nope, but you do need to be in costume.”
The last Halloween party I went to was with Stephen. We went as Gomez and Morticia. Now that I’m single, I need to think of a fierce woman I could dress up as, maybe Joan of Arc, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, or Wonder Woman. “Do I need to bring anything?”
“Just yourself in a costume. My dad is sponsoring this party for people in the building. You know how he likes to keep people happy, so tenancy stays high.”
“Speaking of tenancy, have you found something for Dr. Wolfe?”
She studies me for a moment and then smirks. “Not yet. But I don’t know why you don’t like him, he’s really very nice. He and Theo have to be the two best-looking men in the building except maybe Gavin,” she says of the building’s security manager. “And the good news is that Dr. Wolfe is single. He’d be a great way to get over Stephen too.”
I’m shaking my head before she finishes. “No, thank you. But, unfortunately, he’s not my type.”
She arches a brow. “He’s nice. He’s handsome. He’s got money… What’s not to like?”
“Stephen was nice, handsome, and had money.”
Paige winces. “Except, in the end, he wasn’t nice, was he?”
“No. He wasn’t.” The elevator arrives at my floor, and I say goodbye to Paige and head to my condo.
Many people think that mental health professionals don’t have any problems and don’t feel depressed, alone, or anxious. But we’re people too. The only difference is that we understand emotions and have tricks up our sleeves for dealing with them. But that doesn’t mean we don’t feel destructive emotions or sometimes feel overwhelmed by them.
As I walk into my condo, a profound sense of sadness and loneliness settles over me. I’ve come to the place in the break-up with Stephen where I recognize it was for the best. We were playing house more than building a life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t grieve the dream I lost.
I head to my kitchen and pour a glass of wine. I can imagine Dr. Wolfe saying that using alcohol to soothe a soul isn’t any healthier than thinking a new nose will. He’d be right. But the other thing about therapists is that we’re people too. And sometimes, nothing soothes a battered soul like a nice glass of wine.
Annoyed that I am once again thinking of Dr. Wolfe, I fill my tub with water and bubbles, find the new romance novel I’m reading, and escape.