3
Escape
Charlotte
There is nothing like treating another person in therapy to put my life in perspective. Yes, I have some challenges in my life right now, like I might go bankrupt because my practice has dropped in half, and I can’t afford my condo. And while sometimes the stress of that makes me so crazy that I take it out on strangers, ultimately, I feel steady in my personhood. I feel confident that I have choices I can make, such as selling my condo and moving my practice to a more affordable location.
I don’t have it as bad as Rachel, my sixteen-year-old client. She recovered from anorexia only to develop a cutting problem. I know it’s rooted in the fact that she cannot meet her mother’s standards of beauty and intelligence, although it isn’t from lack of trying. But I can see now that we are nearing the tipping point where Rachel will break off from her mother, which could go one of two ways. She can assert herself and live ignoring her mother’s ego-killing harping for the next two years. Or she might rebel, which could mean drugs and alcohol, perhaps more cutting, or even more reckless behavior.
Rachel’s most significant obstacle to good mental health is her mother. But in the years that I’ve been working with Rachel, I haven’t been able to convince her mother to participate in therapy. In her mind, she is perfect, and her daughter is not and needs to try harder. This is the worst thing about working with minors. In nearly all cases, parents need to be a part of the solution, particularly if they are a part of the problem. But with a parent unwilling to change their own ways, there is very little a therapist can do to change the external factors contributing to a child’s failing mental health. So all I am left with is finding ways to boost Rachel’s self-esteem by giving her coping skills and urging her to find other adults in her life who can also boost her self-esteem.
“My mom is looking at taking me to get a nose job,” Rachel says, turning her face to the side to show me her nose. “She thinks it droops down like a witch’s. Perky noses are more attractive, apparently.”
I have a vision of Dr. Wolfe agreeing with Rachel’s mother and putting this poor sixteen-year-old girl, who is still growing into her womanhood, under the knife to carve out a prettier person like it’s nothing. Like she’s a lump of clay that can be molded into something she isn’t.
“I’m thinking of getting a tattoo instead,” she finishes.
I look down at my notes to try and hide a hint of a smile. Not that I feel like Rachel should go get a tattoo, but I like to hear the ego-strength in her voice. I just have to consider if getting a tattoo is a sign of her separating from her mother and whether it’s a good separation or one that would go down the path of dangerous rebellion.
“What kind of tattoo would you get?” I ask.
She looks at me, also with a hint of a smile. It surprises her that I don’t go off on some sort of rant about tattoos not being appropriate for a young woman like her mother would.
“Well, you know how guys sometimes get tattoos that say ‘Mom’ on them?” She sits up a little straighter.
I nod.
“Well, I was thinking of getting one flipping the bird that says ‘Mom’ on it.”
Once again, I have to hold back a laugh. “Do you think that would show your mom?”
Rachel’s expression falls. “No.”
“And yet, you’d be stuck with this tattoo with her name on you. Perhaps if you’re going to get a tattoo, you could think of something that represents you beyond having a difficult repressive mother.”
She looks up at me in surprise, and I realize the tattoo remark probably isn’t something she is really thinking of doing. But now that I’ve mentioned it, perhaps she is. I suspect if she does get a tattoo, her mother will pull her out of my practice. Just what I need; to lose another client. But this isn’t about me. I’m in financial straits, but I can deal with that. Rachel, on the other hand, can’t legally leave her mom, at least not for another two years.
“Like what?” she asks.
“I don’t know. That’s for you to figure out. What sorts of things do you like? What sorts of dreams or passions do you have?”
“I don’t really know.”
“I know you like to read. And you enjoy writing. Perhaps you could get something representative of that. You enjoy music, so perhaps you can get something to symbolize that. Or maybe there’s some sort of symbol out there. Remember when we talked about finding a purpose or a focus in our lives to help us deal with the chaos around us? Something to help center you when you feel lost?”
She nods.
“Maybe you could find something like that. Some people have tattoos of words to remind them to be calm, still, or to dream. Some have symbols like infinity or hearts.”
She thinks for a moment and then looks up at me. “I wasn’t really thinking of getting a tattoo.”
“That’s fine. I’m not telling you that you have to. But I would like you to think about some sort of symbol or word that you could use to help center you and bring you back into who you really are, Rachel. So maybe you can think about it and let me know at our next session.”
She nods. “Okay. Actually, that sounds kind of cool.”
I smile at her. “Good.”
“Do you have something like that?” she asks me.