CHAPTER FIFTY
I don’t know what I’d do without my job. It wasn’t only about paying bills—although God knows there was that. It was about turning the key in the front door, switching on the lights, making sure we had fresh towels and were stocked with oils. Each little task took me out of myself and helped me connect to the world around me. I was sure of my skills as a massage therapist and proud of what I could do to help people disentangle the knots of their own lives. I needed that more than ever today, as I tried to disengage from the anxiety that hadn’t gone away from last night. One minute I was listening to music with Kael and the next I was being interviewed by aggressive military police.
Mali understood why I was late. She had urged me to take the day off when I called to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Kael didn’t stay over at my house after all. He didn’t even come inside. He woke me up, walked me to the porch, and touched his hand to the top of my arm as his good night. We were back to just friends now that the moon was replaced by the sun.
He texted me that he had discharge appointments on post all day, and I guessed that meant he was getting closer and closer to his release from the Army. He asked if I had to work today and I told him yes, until late afternoon. He didn’t ask what I was doing after work, so I didn’t volunteer any more information. I was trying to keep things cool even though I truly hated being away from him. I was already embarrassed from having called him while I walked to work. He didn’t pick up, of course, and I left a nervous voicemail that I tried to delete but pressed the wrong button and sent it. I also couldn’t stop constantly checking my phone between clients and even once during a treatment for his answer. I took a few extra seconds after covering the client’s eyes with a warm towel. And finally, halfway through my shift, I got a text from Kael—very brief and wanting to know if I had plans for dinner.
I had texted my brother, too, trying to figure out what the hell happened last night. It was unbelievably stupid—he could have been badly hurt or arrested. And Kael was nearly assaulted by the MPs, and risked ruining his good standing and discharge plans. I needed to make sense of why Austin had gotten himself in that situation over this girl. It was so stupid. I could barely stand it. I thought about going by my dad’s and dragging my brother out of the house to interrogate him—but now that Kael was asking about dinner, I decided I’d much rather spend the evening with him than with my brother or alone with a frozen pizza and a half-bottle of wine.
Austin
I’ll come by tonight. If you want, come get me.
Kael
How late will you be there?
I was excited to read another text from Kael during my shift, but now disappointed to see that Austin wanted to come over for the evening. I was scheduled to work until four, but I would slip out an hour early if I didn’t have a walk-in by three. Maybe I would have time to see Austin before having dinner with Kael.
Kael texted that he wouldn’t be finished with all of his meetings until after five anyway. I invited him to come over around six thirty p.m., and offered to buy him dinner to even out his paying for my food the last time. I didn’t have money for much, but we could order in something tonight, and the next time I got paid, I could take him to a nicer place. Next time. The words sent a shiver of a warning through me. I really, really needed to stay in the present with Kael, or we wouldn’t fit anywhere at all. There was no future and I doubted I would ever see him again after his discharge and the arrival of Elodie’s baby. Phillip would be home and everything would go back to the way it was. I would be alone in my house again.
While waiting for my next client to undress and get comfortable before their treatment, I texted my brother to confirm that we needed to talk and that he’d better not fucking flake on me. I was more tired today than usual. I hadn’t slept very well after Kael dropped me off. For some reason, I lay in bed thinking only of the shitty things in my life. I didn’t have a typical family, or a loving boyfriend. I didn’t have Instagram-worthy brunches with a big group of girlfriends. Not that I even really wanted that, but the option had never presented itself. But what I did have, for now, was Kael, and I started to reread his texts when I saw one from Austin letting me know that he got a ride and was on his way over to my house.
I would still be at work for at least an hour, but I told him my door was unlocked. Kael’s by-the-books voice was in my head telling me to keep my door locked at all times, whether I was gone or at home. He seemed way too concerned, but I had downloaded the neighborhood security app when I moved in and it was pretty damn terrifying to get an alert every hour for a break-in or assault. Stolen dog, drunk driver, drunk soldiers fighting at a bar—it was so overwhelming that I turned my notifications off after three days. I knew the world was a lot darker than I wanted to believe it was, but I still wanted to have hope that we didn’t need to shut our doors and lock ourselves away from our neighbors and community. I hated the idea that I couldn’t leave my front door open with just the screen between me and everything outside. I wanted to hear the sound of cars, people talking and connecting as they walked down the little strip of shops across the street, the roll of thunderstorms, and the calm patter of the rain. Even honks and sirens were a part of the soundtrack of my life.
Austin was sitting on my couch, shoes off, hat on. I had thought about what I would say to him as I walked home from work. He looked bright and awake, much different from the way he looked last night, when Kael laid him in his bed. Austin pepped up when I walked in, grinning at me, already playing for my forgiveness. He was conniving back when we were seven, and even now not much had changed. Well, our family had changed a lot, our lives were turned upside down when our mother left us and a woman we didn’t know moved into our house before our mom even had a chance to come back. But Austin was still a brat.
“How was work?” he asked.
I stepped over his legs. He was sprawled across nearly the whole couch, and I maneuvered to the small available space at the other end and sat down.
“It sucked. It was fine, but it sucked. What the hell happened last night?”
“It was a misunderstanding. I’ll be fine as soon as I eat. What can you cook for me?”
I reached out to feel his forehead and rolled my eyes. “What can I cook for you? You should be asking what can you, Austin, make for me. And that’s not an answer to my question. I need details and I need you to stop getting yourself and other people in trouble. Kael could have really gotten hurt, Austin. This isn’t a game.”
He pouted for a second before nodding. “I know, I know. Let me order food. I have fifty bucks. We can get pizza.”
I shook my head. I definitely didn’t feel like cooking, but my brother needed to eat. I wasn’t going to let Austin leave here without him telling me what the hell happened last night.
“I have dinner plans and you need to save your money. Let’s make you something,” I suggested.
I stood up and waited for him to follow me into the kitchen. The sunlight pouring through the windows made that room at least ten degrees warmer.
“I have pasta and a few things in the fridge that are going to go bad soon. Let’s use up what I have.” I winked at him. “You should save your money for a haircut.” I pointed to his uncharacteristically long hair. I sort of loved when his hair was long, the opposite of a soldier, away from danger. Or was he?
“How did you get here, anyway?” I opened the cabinet and pulled out a pot. I knew I had pasta in my pantry and tomatoes on the counter that were nearly too ripe.
“Martin dropped me off.”
The pot slipped from my hands and fell into the sink. Water splashed up at me. “Martin?”
I turned the water off and looked at my brother. “How?”
My brother rolled his eyes and looked at me like I was making a mountain out of a molehill by asking him that. I had every reason to, especially after last night.
“I called him to say sorry for being a shitbag last night.” Austin was that way. He would put you in a crappy situation but not entirely on purpose, and he would always actually feel bad about it.