Studying Kael’s face, I sprinted through the possibilities of what this moment could turn into. I hated that the hourglass in my mind was moving faster, the sand pouring through the gap mercilessly reminding me of our limited time together. Our eye contact made me nervous; he was looking at me so intensely that my cheeks warmed. I wanted to tell him that I had never felt as much comfort from a person as I did from him, at least not in real life. I wanted to tell him that I would miss him terribly when he left. I wanted to admit that I liked him—more than just being grocery-shopping, stargazing buddies. I couldn’t and wouldn’t, but fuck, did I wish I could.
Kael’s eyes were on my mouth. I was very aware that my chest was likely beet red, the revealing pajamas not doing me any favors. I closed my eyes, thinking maybe he would kiss me again, and if he didn’t, I couldn’t bear to look at him much longer. I felt so much and couldn’t find a single word to say. When my lids shut, there was a sense of relief from his flame. My heart pounded.
His phone vibrated on the floor between us and I tried to read the name on the screen when my eyes snapped open. He scooped it up too quickly and I felt embarrassed that I was violating his privacy. He ignored the call, but his energy shifted instantly. I must have looked like such a freaking idiot with my eyes shut, like I was waiting for him to kiss me. Who said that’s even what I wanted?Not me.
Suddenly, it was like our little bubble popped and reality swallowed him up. His features felt harsh, his warm eyes became cold as they turned away from me and stared at the wall. I sank. I was pulled back into my thoughts on overdrive, wondering what I said or did wrong this time. Who kept calling him? Maybe he was secretly married? I couldn’t think of another explanation for his odd behavior.
I thought about Brien and how often he would “shush” me. How many times he would gently tap my leg under the table if I was talking too much in front of his friends. If I was embarrassing him. Kael isn’t like him, I reminded myself. He’s just making sure neither of us cross a line that we can’t reverse. I had a lapse of judgment. No big deal.
I paused, fidgeting and lightly pushing at my cuticles.
“Important call?” I asked him, hoping I didn’t sound as immature as I felt.
He shook his head. “Obviously not, since I ignored it.”
His tone wasn’t rude, but his words had a bit of defensiveness that rubbed me the wrong way.
“Dinner will be here in five minutes, if you want to wash up,” he mumbled.
“You don’t have to talk to me like I’m twelve,” I said and rolled my eyes. I wasn’t completely sure why, but I felt slighted and moody.
“Madam, your dinner will be delivered in precisely three hundred seconds.”
I cackled, a real laugh, suddenly back to being amused. This thing with him was exhausting but exhilarating.
He grabbed the pillow from my lap and I kicked my leg out at him. He suddenly tossed the pillow back at me and used his hand to push it down a little across my crotch area.Oh my god!His eyes were on mine and I squeezed the pillow, shoving it tightly between my legs, now remembering why I had it in the first place. Kael’s cheeks were a bit more red than usual. Or was I imagining that his embarrassment matched my own?
Both of our backs were against the couch and we sat facing forward with our legs in front of us. Mine were crossed at the ankles and I still had the pillow on my lap. I couldn’t catch up with my breath, even though we had barely moved. I turned my head. I just had to look at him, to try to make some sense of what we were doing.
His chest was rising and falling the way mine was. This wasn’t exactly what friends did. We were crossing the line like we did last night when he kissed me. Why stop now?
“What?” I looked into his eyes, not sure what I was asking.
“What?” he repeated, shifting again, so his face was inches from mine.
Him kissing me or not was no longer the thing I feared, it was this different type of intimacy, this comfort. I tried to calm my heart and my head. No matter how good it felt to be with Kael—how much I wanted this right now—I knew it was never, ever going to work. He was leaving and I wasn’t ready to date anyone, especially a long-distance soldier who I barely knew. We had an arrangement. An agreement.
“I . . .” We both spoke the same exact word at the same exact time.
Kael’s expression looked like he was sizing me up, deciding what he was going to do based on what he thought I was going to do. All logic was gone as his tongue grazed over his bottom lip, making it shine under the light. I wanted to taste him again; it was all my mind was full of.
I tried to be logical even though it felt impossible.
“Do you think this is a good idea? What we’re doing right now?” I could barely get the words out through my deep breaths.
“It feels like it is.”
“But do youthinkit is? What will happen if we kiss again?”
“Karina.” Kael turned his entire body toward me. “Please don’t ask me questions that I can’t answer. Not tonight. Please.” His voice was a whisper as his hand cupped my ear.
All of my shame and embarrassment and second thoughts about feeding the hunger I had for him quickly melted out of my body and mind. I couldn’t keep my eyes open when his thumb gently massaged the lobe of my ear. My neck instinctively rolled back and he lifted my head, firmly cradling my neck with his other fingers.
I let him take over. I didn’t want to stop whatever questionable decision we were about to make. His lips were even warmer than his fingers as they brushed against mine. The tiniest of contact. It tickled in a daze-inducing way. He pushed against me, bringing his body to hover over mine. My back pressed against the edge of my couch as his mouth opened mine. A wave of relief, calmness, excitement, silence, screaming, rolled over me. I lifted my hands to his shoulders and guided his body to trade places as I climbed onto his lap, feeling his arousal against the thin silk of my shorts. I could feel the wetness in my panties as I kissed him again and again.
The door shook with a knock just as Kael’s fingers dug into my hips, pressing me closer. I jumped off of him, my knee hitting my cup of tea and splashing it onto the floor.
“Elodie! Oh my god.” I wiped at my mouth and tried to calm myself down. I was quickly coming out of the trance, realizing I would have to face Elodie if she caught us like this. Or my brother, which would be even worse . . .
“It’s probably the food.” Kael stood and went to open the front door. Of course it was the food.Geez, Karina, paranoid much?
Kael set the plastic bag between us without saying a word about the second kiss or what would have happened if the delivery man hadn’t interrupted. He unpacked the bag and opened each container, describing the dish to me without teasing me for having copied his order. He handed me my food first and waited to see my reaction before taking a bite of his own.
“Incredible,” I said with a mouth full of food.
His smile distracted me from wondering if we were going to pretend like it didn’t happen, again. I didn’t want to know the answer to that—not right now, at least. So there we sat, bonding over the foam boxes on our laps, browsing through Netflix, and joking and bickering like an old married couple. The boundaries had all slipped tonight. I hoped it wouldn’t destroy me when I fell.