His face fell. When Kael’s guard was down, he showed emotion so clearly.
“So, Jasper. That whole emotion-control thing,” he said, setting a boundary. A firm one. He was changing the subject to keep me out of his personal business. My stomach twisted, but only I knew it. I was playing the part of a chill girl who you can hang out with . . . order takeout and talk aboutTwilight. Kael’s line in the sand was drawn, so I followed him through my pretend Door B and moved the topic back to vampires.
“He was also a soldier,” I added, trying not to show much emotion. I was happy that he let me in, even for the few seconds it lasted. I waved my nails in the air to try to make them dry faster.
Kael’s hands touched the tiny stubble on his chin. I knew it would be gone soon, due to regulations and all.
“He was,” he said and nodded. “Wait, wasn’t he a Confederate soldier?”
My hand covered my mouth. “I’ve never thought about it like that,” I admitted.Yikes.
Kael rubbed his hands together inches from my face.
“Well that changes things,” I instantly decided.
“People can do things that you don’t like, and you can still like them.” He paused a for a moment. “Especially fictional characters. They’re meant to make us question ourselves, aren’t they? Sometimes the shittiest ones can teach us the most. That’s the point, the balance between good and evil and all that.”
“But a Confederate soldier is . . .”
“Bad. Pretty fucking bad,” he affirmed. “But you didn’t write the thing. And you don’t like that part of the character. Just as I don’t love that main guy, Derek, fromAmerican History X. He’s an ex-Nazi and a total piece of shit, but it’s one of my favorite films and he does the right thing in the end. Sometimes we find comfort in stories that aren’t perfect. People are complicated, you know?”
“Everyone has a backstory,” I said, my voice less confident than his, but he made me feel like he wanted to hear me. “When I was younger, I would always make excuses for everyone’s behavior. My dad said it’s the thing that made me weak.”
Kael’s voice was soft but quick to come. “You mean empathy?”
I looked away from his eyes and up at the ceiling.
“I guess so,” I said, fragments of traumatic experiences flipping through my mind. Every time I gave someone a pass I was trying to do the right thing. But in the end my dad’s harsh judgment became the only lens that mattered.
“Making excuses for someone’s bad behavior isn’t always the same thing as finding the reason why they are that way.” Kael looked at me patiently.
I nodded. He was so intelligent when he spoke that he could take something like a vampire film and turn it into a meaningful discussion without sounding like a pretentious douche. Kael made my multitude of thoughts make sense in a way most guys his age never had.
“Yeah. I’ve found my peace with Jasper, flaws and all—and I guess I’m realizing that most of my comfort things are bad examples,” I admitted, listing them off in my head.Gossip Girl,The Vampire Diaries,One Tree Hill.
He agreed. “Mine, too.”
“Alice deserved better,” I said, wondering where the line between writing and opinions lay.
“Yeah, she did.”
“What else comforts you?” I dared to ask. I don’t know what I was expecting as his response, but the question was out before I could process it.
I kept my focus on his face as he seemed to be thoroughly considering my ask, and was quiet for the longest ten seconds of my life. Kael looked straight ahead, staring at the brown tapestry hung on my wall. My mom got it from some flea market, I didn’t remember in which state.
“Being around you.”
The boldness of his confession sucked the air from my lungs.
His bright eyes turned to me. I was speechless and very caught off guard, to say the least.
“And you? What brings you comfort?” he asked.
I could feel my mind going into its own version of fight-or-flight and I was a little surprised by the way I felt. I was afraid to say that I loved being around him, too, that it brought me comfort to connect with him and that I was growing more and more attached each time I saw him. But what did this mean? He finds being around me comforting? I didn’t know what to make of that.
“I . . . um.” I hesitated, realizing that I had somehow moved closer to him.
Kael’s finger was warm when it touched my lips. I both froze and caught on fire. I felt dizzy. He pressed the pad of his index finger into my wet lips and kept it there for no longer than a second. I could barely breathe and was trying with everything in me to remain calm and think before I reacted. For once.