‘I thought you were strong, but you don’t even know what strong is.’ She stepped forward, unable to hold back from blasting her feelings at him. ‘Strong is standing up for change. Strong is saying this is me, this is what I want. Strong is taking charge of your own life. Strong is saying no to an impossible pressure. Strong is making personal needs a priority. Strong is accepting people into your life when you’ve been hurt before.’
Finally she realised the problem. The burden of the crown was his excuse to cut himself off. What he feared was people leaving him again. The people he’d loved had left. And he didn’t trust anyone to stay. That was why he wouldn’t open his heart to anyone. Why he didn’t want children. It broke her heart. But made her angry too. He was so terrified of loss he couldn’t even try.
‘And are you so very strong?’ he taunted harshly. ‘You run away like a wounded animal every time you think someone might think less of you. You don’t ride out any storms. You’re petrified of rejection. You’re the one who won’t follow dreams.’
‘What am I doing right now, Felipe?’ she yelled at him. ‘Putting myself so far over the line. Strong is trying to make change and not giving up even when it’s an ongoing struggle. You won’t even redecorate your Elizabethan-orgy-style bedroom because you’re so constrained by duty.’
He sucked in a shocked breath. ‘I cannot do this right now, Elsie. I have my bloody coronation.’
‘You cannot do this ever. You won’t.’ She was so hurt by his denial. ‘You made me trust you. When you gave me a chance with Amalia, when you believed me when I told you everything. You gave me hope and made me think that maybe...’ She paused to pull herself together—and failed. ‘But I’m not enough for you to get past it completely.’
And that devastated her.
Her only mistake had been in thinking there was nothing worse for her to suffer. There was so much worse. Because before it had been the past that had been picked apart. Her choices, her actions—she’d been crucified for them. She’d been rejected—cast out to be alone. But this was the future. This was hope. He’d given her all of that only to then destroy it. So suddenly, so completely. And she damned him for it.
‘I can’t be ashamed of my family for the rest of my life,’ she said. ‘They made such bad choices, but those choices weren’t mine. I won’t suffer that punishment any more. I’m worth someone’s trust and I can keep trust. I’m worth someone’s love and I have value to give. It might not be palaces and gold and jewels and an army, but I have other more important things. I have a heart. I’m not no one. I’m not nothing.’ She stared at him. ‘You don’t want to make someone have to stay with you, but maybe they’d choose to. It’s the height of arrogance to assume that no one else could understand your world. That no one else could handle it. That you couldn’t make the changes necessary if you really wanted to.’
‘Elsie—’
‘Reject me, fine, but don’t do that to Amalia. She likes it here. She feels safe here. Talk to her. You managed that for me once, do it for her. She deserves that. Don’t send her away.’
‘I’m not. She—’
‘Have you actually asked her whether she wants to go?’
He jerked his head. ‘I want her to have her freedom.’
‘Freedom is when you know you’re loved,’ she argued. ‘That family is there for you. That, no matter what, your people have your back. And that even if you make a mistake, if you’re sorry, they’ll forgive you if you ask.’ She lifted her head. ‘I would have forgiven my father, Felipe. My brother. But they didn’t want that from me. They didn’t want me. They don’t love me. I would have forgiven you too—if you’d asked. But you don’t want my forgiveness. You’re not sorry. And you don’t want me either.’ She got it now. ‘So no, thank you, I don’t want your damned private jet. I don’t want any special treatment. I’m not some mistake you can just kick out of your precious country. I am not something to be ashamed of.’
She was so hurt.
‘I’m doing this for you—’
‘You are not. I don’t give a damn what they write about me, don’t you get that? I’ve had it all. Worse already. And I survived. I’ll survive again. I am so much stronger than you’ll ever let yourself believe. But none of that matters because I’m still never going to be good enough for you. You’re the one who cares what they think.’
‘I know how they can destroy you.’
‘The only person destroying part of me right now is you.’ She shook. ‘It was never about what everyone else—what random strangers—said. It was that the people who I loved...they didn’t believe in me. They didn’t have my back or even try to understand. That’s what hurt. And that’s you now.’
He’d let her down and he didn’t care. Because if he did, he wouldn’t have done it. But he really did want her to go.
He closed his eyes briefly. ‘I never meant to hurt you.’
She laughed bitterly. ‘You think you’re so honourable? So dutiful. But in less than a day, you betrayed me. Maybe you did use me. Did you scare yourself, Felipe? Wanting me so badly you risked being unsafe with me? Were you finally vulnerable? Did that frighten you?’
His eyes flashed.
‘I’m not the one who has anything to hide, am I?’ she realised scornfully. ‘Being abandoned hurts. And you won’t let anyone close enough again. That’s why you’re sending Amalia away. And me. You can’t risk your own heart. You’re not willing to even try. You’re a coward.’ She was so hurt. ‘It’s all an excuse, to stop yourself being hurt.’
He was shaking too. ‘I’m trying to protect you.’
‘You’re protecting yourself. Go right ahead. Be as rigid as your grandfather, as emotionally unavailable as both of your parents. Be an isolated island of a king, Felipe. Be lonely always. Because I won’t. I’ve handled so much I’ll even get over you.’
‘Elsie—’
‘I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done these last twenty-four hours. Or indeed any of my life. I’m not hiding any more. So go and do your damned duty. You—’ She broke off and drew breath. ‘Leave. Now.’