Chapter Twenty-Three
Noah
I hadno idea what the fuck was happening. This gaping hole I’d been carrying around inside my chest for years suddenly felt different. Not whole. Not mended. Just…different.
When I woke up in the mornings with Sienna’s rhythmic breathing next to me, I was more focused on her presence than on the emptiness I had been feeling for years. It had been so long since I last woke up with a warm body next to mine, feeling the breath of another against my neck.
Sienna’s red curls would splay over the pillow, some of the strands draping across my arms. The sight of her was almost too fucking beautiful, too surreal. There was a time in my life I didn’t want to wake up. A time when I wanted my heart to stop beating so I could be free of the agony that clung to my bones. It hurt too much to breathe. It ached to exist.
But now…everything felt different.
It felt good.
Serene.
There was no rhyme or reason for me wanting to bake pancakes for Sienna. It’s been years since I made them. Years since I could even stomach the idea of pancakes. I had always just baked it forher. Poured syrup over the pancakes forher. It was all just forher.
Every aching breath I took was for her. Every hopeless sunrise I witnessed was because of her. Every second of my miserable existence was for her.
But now, there was this tiny spec of hope I felt every time the sun peeked through the window, and I knew it was because of Sienna. Every time I inhaled, taking a breath and relishing the coconut scent of her hair, my heart beat just a little faster.
Suddenly a lot of fucking things were for her and because of her. It was like she flooded my system. Her presence in my life went from a trickle to roar, and now I felt her deep in my veins—my blood humming for her.
How did this happen?
When did this happen?
When did my life shift, turn on its axis, and go from dark and dreary to light and thrilling? And it all started with a simple kiss.
For the first time since all this started with Sienna, I was okay with it. I wanted to relish it, enjoy one moment to the next, and just…be.
I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t naïve. I knew the shadows would never leave. There was no escaping the night that never ended. But I chose to embrace the sliver of light Sienna had managed to radiate among the darkness, even if it was just temporary.
But seeing the look in her eyes whenever she stared at me, how her face lit up, I knew this was no longer a moment-to-moment arrangement for her. And if I was honest, it wasn’t for me either. With every passing minute I spent with her, I found myself wishing I could give her more. I wanted to be the kind of man who could give her all the love and adoration she deserved. It pained me to think that I might never be that man for her. It tore at my insides to think that someone else could one day give that to her—give her a life she deserved.
I wanted. To be. That man.
But how?
How would I be able to ignore the past, forget my pain when it was part of who I was? A part of my soul, etched deep into my bones?
While I fucked her against the wall, lifting her feet off the ground so I could pound harder and heavier into her wet cunt, I wasn’t thinking of her. I wasn’t thinking of her tight pussy and her sensual moans. I was a selfish bastard who thought of myself. Thinking about what I wanted, what I needed.
And I wanted her. I needed her. But I wasn’t sure whether I deserved her. Whether I deserved to feel something other than complete emptiness.
I stared up at the ceiling, looking for any spots that needed some touch-up paint. Sienna had left a few hours ago, saying a friend wanted to meet up with her for a post-breakup venting session. I couldn’t deny it. I didn’t want her to go. I wanted her to stay here, naked and tied to my bed. I wanted to know that she was right there, spread-eagled and ready for me whenever I wanted her to scream for me.
God, my cock was rock-hard just thinking about it.
Spencer appeared at the glass sliding door, giving it a quick knock before opening it. “Have you seen Sienna?”
“Not since this morning, no. Why?”
He seemed slightly on edge. Worried even. “Cleo just called. Sienna was supposed to pick her up hours ago, but she never showed. Her phone’s off, too—which is really odd since her phone is never off.”
I stepped off the ladder, wiping my hands on the cloth dangling from my pants pocket. “She told me she was going to pick up Cleo, but other than that, I have no idea where she is.”
Spencer rubbed his eyebrow, blinking. “It’s just not like her to blow someone off. Especially not Cleo.”