“I’m so fucking sorry,” Noah murmured into my ear, my sobs still raging like a storm unleashed. “I’m sorry, baby girl.”
“No!” I yelled out, tearing myself from his arms and stumbling back. “You do not get to be fucking sorry. You left me when I needed you the most. You just fucking left, and all I got was a goddamn letter. You broke my motherfucking heart, and I will never forgive you, Noah,” I cried. “Do you hear me? Never!”
My vision blurred with tears, and Noah cursed as he kicked at the dust on the wooden floor. “Goddammit!”
Inhaling deep, the soul-crushing agony morphed into anger, and my tears turned from liquid sorrow to burning rage. I squared my shoulders, wiping at my tears. “I hate you, Noah Alexander.” I sniffed. “I fucking hate you so much, I can’t even look at you.”
Turning to face me, he held his arms out wide. “I deserve it,” he snarled. “Your anger. Your hate. I fucking deserve it. What I don’t deserve,” he bit out, “is your fucking tears. I don’t deserve your tears, Sienna. Seeing you like this because of me, because of something I did,” he hit his fist against his chest, his expression hard, “I can’t...I can’t even—” He pressed his lips together and turned his back on me, his head hanging down and shoulders moving as he breathed rapidly. “I hurt you. I can’t change that. There is nothing I can do to make up for walking away from you.” Finally, he turned to face me again, and my breath caught in my throat when I looked into his eyes, the blue hues more vibrant than I had ever seen them, enhanced with the shimmer of his sadness.
He sighed. “I thought I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me from what?” I clutched my coat tighter as if it could shield me from him. As if it could hide my vulnerability from him.
“From my past mistakes,” he answered simply and started to pace, roughing his hands across the back of his neck before sitting down on a gilded French-style settee. With his elbows on his knees, he fisted his hands together—a faraway look in his eyes. “I fucked up.”
“How?” My voice cracked.
“I fell in love with a girl.” His eyes found mine, and our gazes locked; the air between us became a tangible thread that could unravel at any moment. “I fell in love with you, Sienna.”
“Oh my God, Noah.” I whimpered, craning my neck and looking up at the ceiling, fighting a new hurricane of tears that threatened to rip through me. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I don’t care.” I bit my lip, feeling more exposed than I ever had as if my soul had been laid bare right there in front of him. “I don’t care if it’s the truth. Don’t say it because it fucking hurts too much.”
Our gazes locked once again, the air between us thick and laden with past regrets and present heartbreaks.
“I tried, Sienna. I fucking tried not to get close to you because I knew they would never stop.”
“They?” I frowned.
“I thought by leaving and leading them away from Atherton it would keep you safe. But I was wrong.” He lashed out, swiping the swan neck lamp off the side table, and I jolted. “I was reckless, and now everything is completely fucked up.”
“Noah, what the hell is going on?”
Like the flick of a switch, his eyes went from a translucent azure to a blazing blue, and he shot up to his feet. “All of this is because of me. Everyone I care about gets hurt.” He walked up to me, his expression stern and determined. “But not this time. I don’t care what I have to do, I won’t let them hurt you. Even if that means you’ll have to look at me every minute of every fucking day, hating me more and more. I will not let them take you from me, too.”
My mind was a maze of incoherent thoughts, swimming with chaos. “Noah, what is happening right now?”
Anger rippled off him in waves, a strong riptide about to break to the surface. “I need to get some air.”
“Noah,” I called after him as he stomped toward the door. “You need to tell me what the hell is going on?”
Holding up his hand, he pinched his eyes closed for a second. “Just...for now...just do as I say, and don’t ask questions. Please.”
Fear slithered up my spine. “Noah. You can’t just leave me with a million questions.”
“Sienna, I swear I’ll tell you everything. I just need to get some fucking air right now.”
“Noah—”
“Do you trust me?” Abrupt silence fell over us, and he scoffed. “Don’t answer that.”
He yanked the door open, and I moved to follow him only to have him shut the door, the sound of the lock ricocheting off the cabin ceiling.
In a daze, I slowly moved backward until my back hit the wall, and I slipped down, sinking to the floor while having my palm on my stomach.
“Noah,” I whispered.